Inside Gloria's Mind

20 Up: Lynda Belle's Story, Part II

Lynda Belle's Story

continued....

He is very into 'taboo' again I roll my eyes. Most is not so taboo, but then again, some things were and now aren't. I guess my point is we discuss it, then do it. Read it, watch it, and have fun with it...~together~.

I say we are swingers, and he'll say 'We are NOT swingers!' We have fun with others in oh so many formats, ~but~ we ~never~ switch. So I guess because we don't then we aren't. (He has been backed up in literature and those in the lifestyle-what ever.) I enjoy being wicked with my husband. I love pleasure and pleasing him. We love fulfilling each other's fantasies; and yes he so pleases me and rocks my world.

He loves taking me shopping and I'll wear what he wants me to. Totally different taste in that department as well.  So, we compromise.  My sexy langerie I wear under my clothes when not togther, though he is coming around, and the trashy stuff I wear for him when we are together. (This is a personal opinion of terms mind you) I have bought stuff for him and he wears it for me. Everything we do and have is his, mine, and then there is ours.

We can tell each other any kink, any fetish, any dream, desire, want and need, and the other does their best to do their part. Sometimes it takes a couple of times to get it right; but it only expands and gets better from there. Sometimes the "guilties" set in and the other makes it okay. Who cares what the media, society, and how we were raised define what is okay. ~We~ are what matters, not them.

When we first got together I asked him, "If two people are together and then get married, then shouldn't they provide the other part of the fulfilled fantasy? If not your spouse then who?" We never understood those who were more worried about what others thought, or lived by "well that's just not done."  Why? I don't get it. Never have. Sinful!

I have had GFs who divorced their husbands because they looked at magazines. I bought my hubby his subscriptions for his first birthday we were together. How do people get jealous of a video? We watch together and do with each other. "That's Hot!" We love playing IFT (I'd F That) together. He points out for me, and I point out for him, and every once in a while-not so rare-we both point out the same. FUN!

We are both into PDA, and I just don't understand why people don't. 'OMG I french kissed my hubby waiting in line." Played footsies under the restaurant table...among other things. (depends on table cloths) Snorkeling, beaches, and the best is sailing! Ever done things on a boom? Made him steer off course once masturbating on the boom while catching some rays...Why not?

Kiss me good morning. Kiss me good bye. Kiss me hello. Kiss me goodnight. Tell me you love me often. Have silly pet names, and names only the two of you share. No room is off limits...okay the kids room is off limits in our book, but when they moved out all bets were off. Road trips, picnics in the forest...a week should not go by without intamacy and that does not necessarily mean sex. This is not to say we haven't had our dry spells...because we have, but I think the years of minimum of twice a day took care of this. We haven't done it all, and more to explore, but I think my biggest point is...

In order to get through the really rough times, your good times need to be good, great, extraordinary. How ever you define that.  Don't be afraid to discuss your needs and ~never~ assume they won't get it. I think that's the biggest problem with relationships that I have seen.  There are too many 'no I won'ts' and not enough 'okay let's try'. Too much of "well society says if you do that then it means..." Men may want a lady in public and a slut in the bedroom, but guess what, ladies want a gentleman when PC correct is needed and a wicked lover when it's not. It doesn't matter what the experts, society, media, etc define! It matters how the two of you define...

So, yes, lovers, slut, tantra, kama sutra, BDSM (he's my Sir and I'm his pet), Kinky, Fetish, washing each other in the shower, in the ocean, pool, hot tub, in the bedroom, kitchen, closet, backback patio under a full moon. Imagination, creativity, exploration, and education. You have to be friends and lovers. Husband and wife by your terms NOT societies or how you were raised to define this; because when it comes down to it, the kids grow up and move on, friends come and friends go, society changes the rules daily, money is here today and gone tomarrow, healthy and sickness, young and older, and all that is left is you and your mate. It is not about you or me, them or they, but the we! Yet, isn't that what it is suppose to be all about?

So agree to disagree.  Fight clean and have dirty sex. Take time out before it goes into the ugly zone, and make parenting a joint effort but let your kids know how you love them is not the same and make your mate never forget why you're together, Openly communicate about everything and anything. No Secrets, No lies, and as little time wasted as possible.  Appreciate and rarely take for granted. Good times, bad times, and everything in between -- that's life isn't it?

Sometimes relationships are a burning inferno, and sometimes just a glimmer of light. Don't let the spark go out, because even under the coldest ashes there is usually an ember you can blow on to get the warm cozy fire burning.

20 Up: Lynda Belle's Story, Part I

Lynda Belle's Story

Been married since 1986 and raised two daughters, now in their 20's. God that makes me feel old. I often say that Hubby and I don't live any particular lifestyle but our own. How could we? I don't know anyone who could live our lifestyle. We have literally been in each others hip pockets 24/7/365, except for a total of 5 years.

On that note, the rest of the time we have been together. Own our own businesses. Have traveled and lived all over because the mood struck us. I think I loved the US Virgin Islands, St Thomas and St John, and California the best, but then again Cozumel should not be discounted. Yup, he is a beach bum at heart.

We hang around the house in our underwear, and are very nocturnal.

So. What's our secret?

I would be lying if I said we haven't had our fights. You can't live that close with someone, and be passionate and not fight I don't think.

When we met, we became friends first. I even told him 'Don't ever tell me you love me. I don't do marriage and long term relationships. There is no such thing.' LOL I figured he would get it. I'm wife #3, and he is Hubby #1, one and only. Yah that worked out really well.

We sat down and talked about everything. It's not that I didn't want to be together, I just didn't see the need for the certificate. Marriage is all about ~having~ to be together until divorce. Whereas living together is about staying together because you ~want~ to and no divorce.

Circumstances demanded we say the dreaded 'I do', which was better than not being together at all.

So what's our philosophy....

To us, monogamy is being in love with only one person, and we are. Totally. Truly. Sex? Well, what the heck does that have to do with monogamy and a happy relationship? were my thoughts. Don't get me wrong. If one of us isn't happy then by God the other better not stray! Open communication, about ~everything~! Being together is about figuring out how to communicate where the other person gets on the same page, so to speak; and being able to listen to the other for who they are, not hear how you think. (did you get that?)

Me and Hubby are complete opposites. He is a technoid encyclopedia inventor explorer beach bum and I'm all about music, art, love, peace, and environment. With that said, Venus and Mars often applies. I think he is an Earthling and I'm from another planet. He is very 'Well I learned...." and i think for myself, curious about everything and investigate all. Rarely do I take things at face value, whereas he hears it on the news and that's the way it is. I just roll my eyes...a lot.

So what's the glue? We are both very passionate about many things, but mostly each other. We encourage each other to open up and share. Simple pleasures are the best! We watch porn and erotica together. I fold the pages of my Playboy on articles I want to discuss, and we vote 1-10 on the models. I'm Playboy, he's Penthouse. That works too. I read erotica to him, and then we play. *0)

I read widely, and anything I think he will think is hot I read to him. We have no issues with mutual masturbation or pretty much anything as far as sex. We are willing to try most anything more than once. Just because you don't like it the first time....

---

(stay tuned for part II, coming up next!)

20 Up: Divinia's Story

It's been many months since I last updated my "20 Up SM Project" archives and today is our lucky day! For those who are married or hope one day to be married (or married again), coming up are two fascinating personal essays (graciously contributed by Divinia and Lynda Belle) about marriage from the perspective of progressive, sex-positive and very happily married kinky women.

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Divinia's Story

I count my blessings that my first husband Karl and I continue to enjoy a successful 'kinky' relationship more than 30 years on, and that my current (and last!) husband David doesn't feel threatened. Two husbands in between weren't so gracious. I wish them well.

I married my first husband Karl after what I suppose was rather a whirlwind courtship. I didn't particularly fancy him, at least, I didn't consider him the handsome dreamboat that 1970s teen girls dreamily wanted to marry, but the night we first met I appreciated that he seemed to care enough to make sure that this drunken seventeen year old got home safely. And checked up on me the next day.

From then on, we saw a lot of each other, and somehow ended up married within a few months; neither of us romantically asked the other, it was just something we did on a whim. 

He introduced me to tethers in 1970s Britain; we became soul mates both sexually and non-sexually. 

In 1985 he "came out" fully as a tranny. That explained an awful lot, actually, but while my young mind at the time didn't see anything wrong with private BDSM, it couldn't get around the public tranny bit.  I couldn't deal with the public taboo, and decided to divorce him some several months later, all to save my face.

My mistake -- although I went on to meet David, so was that really a mistake?

Thankfully, Karl and I are still very much partners and soul mates all these years later, and I'm truly grateful that my lovely husband David understands.

The older I get, the less inhibited I get.

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Cleo Dubois 10: The Mistress of Us All!

When I invited Cleo Dubois to be the first featured writer in the 20 Up SM Project, I thought I'd be lucky if she would write a short essay, quickly sketching out a few details about her extraordinary life. We interviewed Cleo and her husband, Fakir Musafar for Different Loving in 1992.  I was intrigued to know how they were doing 17 years later. So when she suggested she would like to do a series of essays, I was delighted. And when she began submitting the essays, I was thrilled. I confess I am a sucker for a great personal story and Cleo's stories are all great: unique, passionate, courageous, and written in a voice both honest and powerful. The photos she so carefully selected to illustrate her journey were as rich and meaningful as her words.

So it is with pleasure (in its quality) and genuine sadness (in its finality) that I publish the last essay in Cleo Dubois' wondrous autobiographical series.   Each month, for the past ten months, she's never failed to offer engaging and exciting stories, carefully unfolding the layers (and lovers) in her passionate life and sharing magnificent, unique photos which chronicle some of the most meaningful moments, people, and places in her life.  It is my sincere hope that Cleo will use these essays as the basis of a full autobiographical memoir.  Her journey from innocent French Catholic school-girl to founder and doyenne of the Academy of S/M Arts truly is the stuff dreams  -- and thrilling books -- are made of.  

Hope you love this final installment as much has I do!  Feel free to email Cleo and express your ideas, reactons, and thanks for letting us into her private world.

If you're just tuning in, and haven't caught all the essays, you can now find all 10 installments in the new permanent archive:

Cleo Dubois, In Her Own Words

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CLEO DUBOIS _{is a BDSM Educator, ritualist, creator of the Academy of S/M Arts, and Leather columnist . A versatile sadomasochist whose private interests lay in caring sadism, switching and cross-orientation play, she came out in the San Francisco Leather Scene in the early 80's. Her two popular docu-films, "The Pain Game" and "Tie Me Up," are available on 1 DVD, "The S/M Arts Collection," on her website www.sm-arts.com, where you will also find details about the Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensives for Men and Women. She offers private guided play to individuals and couples in the privacy of her San Francisco area dungeon, as well as office and phone consultations.}

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The Mistress of Us All!

Recently I received a mind-blowing letter from my younger sister, finally revealing her own sadomasochistic tendencies as well as those of her husband’s who for years cheated on her in the European Fetish underground. They both chose to trust in Lord Jesus their Master to save them from this evil. And they are praying for me to see “the light.”

I saw “the light”, an explosion of light, a long time ago laying in a sling at the infamous Catacombs laughing, crying, cumming and screaming “I am home!!!” There was no turning back to hide in a closet of guilt and suppression. With time and many experiences later, I became a fully embodied Lover, Initiator, Mentor and Tribal Elder. The closeness and intimacy, the desire and passion, the confidence and respect I have gained from being an actively sexual explorer of my inner landscape; you can have that too!

Communion

Seductress (photographer, Mark I. Chester)

The Catacombs

Acknowledging those we love openly and honestly is what makes it all possible. From cheating monogamy to open polyamory, kinky shameful secrets to consensual BDSM explorations, hidden gender wishes to real gender play, it’s up to you and your partner(s) how you go about getting your needs met. The young folks who come to me often say they are sexual, not bi, het or gay, just sexual. And those of my generation want me to help them confidently embrace their sexual fantasies now because time is the Mistress of us all and now is all we really have.

First we learn; then we teach.  I impress on my students that ethical erotic power exchange demands on-going communication, informed consent, and loving connection. I am still learning that sharing is the way (whether I like it or not!), that relationships take work to grow and that practice makes better, NOT perfect!

Family Portrait, Folsom faire

GenderFlex, Fakir's photo reception

In the vanilla world too

To quote from a 1995 interview my friend Patrick Califia gave, “the first duty of a revolutionary is to survive.”  We’re both still standing, here to dispel the myths associated with our radical sexuality, commonality, and spirituality.  Not only have we survived; we have flourished! That’s not to say everything is easy!  Love is messy and all we can do is love our way through it.  As Dragon Sundancer, fellow traveler and friend, says, “you either come from a place of fear, or a place of love.”  Love is a better choice, and definitely more fun too!

So, here we are!   This is the final time we meet at the SM 20 Up Project of Dr. Gloria Brame.  In the beginning, I questioned the "role model" archetype.  I see myself as an activist with a mission, a rebel and sensual individualist for sure, a Kali Woman.  I believe in following the energy more than the politics. If you think my story is complicated, you need to add the private lives of all those I’ve talked about.  Each of us knows first hand about jealousy, doubt, guilt, as well as the great pleasures and powerful healing we discover where sex, heart and spirit meet.

Namasté

Cleo

Cleo Dubois at CarnalNation: video

When you have a half hour to relax and absorb, watch this excellent video featuring hostess Eve Minax of Carnal Nation and the fabulous Cleo Dubois. Thanks to both of them for saying such nice things about Different Loving!

If you can't see the video here,

watch it on carnalnation.com

Cleo Dubois 9: The Long Way Home

It is always a joyful occasion when I can bring you another installment in the magickal SM history of Cleo Dubois' 20+ years of being a lifestyle BDSMer, dominatrix, player, sadist, self-explorer, sexual adventurer, spiritual warrior, and married lady.

So I'm both delighted to bring you this brilliant, moving essay by Cleo, and also a little sad because this is the penultimate installment in her autobiographical series.  She promises a final round-up next month and while I am eternally grateful to her for sharing her remarkable and unique story here, I'm so greedy, I wish she could continue telling her stories until the end of time. Or at least the end of blog. :)

Read, enjoy, and drop Cleo a line to let her know what you think....Nothing says "thank you for sharing your story" like an email that says thank you for sharing your story.

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CLEO DUBOIS _{is a BDSM Educator, ritualist, creator of the Academy of S/M Arts, and Leather columnist . A versatile sadomasochist whose private interests lay in caring sadism, switching and cross-orientation play, she came out in the San Francisco Leather Scene in the early 80's. Her two popular docu-films, "The Pain Game" and "Tie Me Up," are available on 1 DVD, "The S/M Arts Collection," on her website www.sm-arts.com, where you will also find details about the Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensives for Men and Women. She offers private guided play to individuals and couples in the privacy of her San Francisco area dungeon, as well as office and phone consultations.}

_{Read previous installments:}

_{Part One      Part Two      Part Three      Part Four}

 _{Part Five      Part Six      Part Seven      Part Eight}     

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The Long Way Home

Eight months ago when I started to write on this blog, I did not think of myself as a role model, even though I have trained and mentored countless men and women in the art and fire of erotic power play, both in my community as well as professionally, in my dungeon.  You would be surprised to learn just how many have revealed to me the abuse they endured, the abandonment they suffered, the shame they hid away.  Just like me.  And just like me, each was seeking much needed healing in consensual BDSM.  If sharing my journey helps you find your way, I will have succeeded.

Coming out into SM was oh! so exciting. It was hot sexy grown up play and I was the proverbial kid in a candy store!  I  had no idea that, along with therapy, I would find there a way to reclaim what rape and abuse stole from me. It takes clear communication, trust  and courage to give life to our various personas  in play.  Fifteen years ago my long time friend and fellow BDSM educator Sybil Holiday introduced me to Carolyn Myss’s work on archetypes and  inner personas. I immediately recognized Cleo the Caring Sadistic Domina as my warrior Queen. I also embraced my inner slut and masochistic brat. They brought me gifts of confidence, pleasure and compassion.  I had grown even stronger through the many body spirit explorations I continue to share with my life partner Fakir.  

Fakir and I had found family in Alan (aka Rig Daddy) and Sam.  He is for me a combination of daddy/ brother/fuck buddy; her, my boi and confidante. I enjoyed occasional play dates with Brad, my “dream gay leatherman”.  Life was good. I was not looking for anyone else. So when the Lover appeared, at first I did not see him.  His long hair, quiet ways and peculiar sense of clothing made him fly under my radar!

Grin lived in the Midwest and attended many of our rituals from the East Coast to those we offered in San Francisco. Eventually we connected during a weekend of classes and ritual in Oklahoma City in 2005.  We needed someone to help us and Rig Daddy wasn't there to assist. Sam remembers  "You said you'd met someone who helped you out, and the tone in your voice held a calm I had not heard before. "

In the winter of 2007 Grin invited me to visit him in Detroit. I knew he was partnered, bisexual and a safe versatile player. There I discovered his talents as a Dominant Lover. He sure  knew how to tune into energy.  I began to unfold under his touch.  It was a time of change for his wife and him.  She had fallen in love with one of my San Francisco dyke friends.  A long time polyamorous bi kinky couple, husband and wife soon relocated to San Francisco and became part of our community.

Grin wooed me.  He took me flying in sweet ecstatic places I had not known existed. His worship was exquisite. I fell madly in love/lust for the very first time in my life. 

I, the virgin whose first sex was gang rape, the girl who had never been seduced by a man she could trust, had been waiting in the shadows for my own Prince Charming for decades.  Like any young lady in love I wanted him for myself. And because I'm a kinky lady in love, I also wanted him to be my Master and to be his only girl. I had no control over my emotions. I got terribly jealous and acted out. In a sex positive poly kinky community that did not sit well. Besides, people did not recognize me. What happened to the mature direct, strong dominant woman they knew? 

Fakir, Sam and Rig Daddy continued to stand by me. It was tough for everyone, especially Fakir.  Grin made boundaries with me and kept up his magical lovemaking.  Through his steadfast and devoted sexual attention, I slowly started to feel, to really feel the subtle energies during our kinky tantric sex rituals.  Brad had unlocked that door and given me the key.  As months went by and our relationships grew, it all made sense that Grin, a shaman, body modification artist and versatile player, had become the lover I needed to come home to myself.

I learned to let in pleasure and trust the energetic connection we have.  I have come to accept that he, a Slut, will never be only "mine."  When I get triggered around his other lovers, I breathe, tell my inner girl that she can navigate the turbulent waters of her jealousy and that he will return to hold her again.  

She is growing up.  As I let more pleasure in, I can give more. At  Kinky Kollege in Chicago last October I found myself, Cleo the guide, whispering in women's ears as they journeyed during yet another hook pull "Go for the pleasure, the ecstatic, it is yours."

It’s been two years now. I am blessed with the love of my husband, whom I started to date again, leather family and a lover whose energy allows me to retrieve a vibrant  sexuality connected to my heart.  As my favorite poet, Leonard Cohen, says, "that's why there's a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."  It's never too late to let it in.

Cleo Dubois

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News from

Cleo Dubois Academy of S/M Arts
email: CleoDubois@sm-arts.com
http://www.sm-arts.com
Tel:(650)322-0124

Fakir and I are signing up people who want to participate in our next intimate Community Workshop and Hook Energy Pull April 10 in San Francisco. Please contact workshops@fakir.org if you are interested in participating. Details at http://www.fakir.org/spiritflesh/index.html

There is room for just one more at the full 3 day Intensive March 26-28 at the SF Citadel for Professional Mistresses and experience Women players with an interest in the realm of professional dominance. Gain a greater understanding of fetishes, skills and the business of ethical professional domination . Look into it at: http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/pros.html

Just want to be a more confident Top? Join up to 8 other Dominant Women or Women who Switch May 1-2 for the Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensive, Players' Course and gain the confidence you need to make your scenes soar! This intimate workshop features hands-on play, roundtable seminars, and a private play party for participants and their partners Sunday night at the SF Citadel. Find info at: http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/women.html

The next Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensive for Men: Tops & Switches, has been scheduled for June 12-13 at the SF Citadel. Find your touch and feel your power. Dominate with presence and passion, skills and compassion. Like all my Intensives, we keep the classes small and hands-on, with a talented group of real players who volunteer to bottom. All the details are at: http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/men.html

Anyone, Top, bottoms, switches, curious, partnered or not, visiting the San Francisco Bay Area is welcome to contact me for a private consultation or guided play in my peninsula dungeon. Check my website for details at http://www.sm-arts.com/coaching/index.html

Interested in Fakir’s explorations? Visit his web site for photos, description and video clips of his feature length documentary movie DANCES SACRED & PROFANE and huge photographic art book SPIRIT + FLESH at: http://www.fakir.org/store/index.html.

Cleo Dubois, 8: Alchemist in Leather

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CLEO DUBOIS _{is a BDSM Educator, ritualist, creator of the Academy of S/M Arts, and Leather columnist . A versatile sadomasochist whose private interests lay in caring sadism, switching and cross-orientation play, she came out in the San Francisco Leather Scene in the early 80's. Her two popular docu-films, "The Pain Game" and "Tie Me Up," are available on 1 DVD, "The S/M Arts Collection," on her website www.sm-arts.com, where you will also find details about the Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensives for Men and Women. She offers private guided play to individuals and couples in the privacy of her San Francisco area dungeon, as well as office and phone consultations.}

_{Read earlier installments:}

_{Part One      Part Two      Part Three      Part Four}

 _{Part Five      Part Six      Part Seven}     

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Alchemist In Leather

As Gloria wrote in her recent essay on BDSM and Transcendence, "What does, eternally resonate with millions of people throughout the world, is the underlying emotional experience of BDSM and fetish sex….It is not just what BDSMers do to each other: it's all about where their journey will lead. For most of us, the destination is ecstasy." Indeed!

Brad and I met at the energy hook pull ceremony Fakir and I offered in a spacious sky lit community play space the summer of 2003. Some twenty kinksters gathered for a piercing ritual adapted from ancient practices of cultures honoring body first approach to spirituality. At the start of their journey each participant received two hooks pierced through the skin of their chest, aka their heart chakra.

_{London pull photo by Ashley}

Impeccably dressed in a leather kilt, complete with laced up boots, a calm smile and a strong and gentle gaze, Brad handed me the cord tethered to the hooks on his chest. He was dancing to find the strength and wisdom to help support his partner through a difficult transition. When I pulled, I felt that sweet electric buzz. We connected.

Psychiatrist by day and versatile player by night, I sensed a powerful healer in him. Later he wrote me, “as you pulled energy, I found the strength and wisdom that I was seeking from the rite, I began to stand and declare and celebrate my ground, dancing and turning in place, sending you running in circles around me even though you were the one pulling energy. I really reconnected with my power at that time, and you allowed and facilitated that. I think we both held power and both surrendered, both felt very present and connected and whole. It was quite joyful for me. I think it took us both by surprise, and may have opened the door for you to see me as someone who could hold space for you in later play.”

It took months and the support of my growing leather family before I asked him for a private date. I told him that I, an abuse survivor and Dominant Woman, preferred bottoming to gay men.

_{leathermen at Folsom street faire}

A skilled sensitive Top, he took me down into primal space without any of the rough sex I knew turned me on. My inner Slut did not have a chance to jump out and neither did my inner Brat. He gently charmed the shy sexy teenage girl who wanted to love and to be loved. I felt safe. In his arms, I melted and tasted what he called "subtle energy play." Seduction and very skilled sexy breath control brought me to my knees. Worship followed.

A Southern boy, he was/is my dream gay Top. He taught me to focus, really focused on Him, rather than me. There I found bliss. Of course at times, I fussed over very simple tasks, like lacing his boots. He would not humiliate me, but I certainly was humbled by His amused look punctuated with just the right words. He made me blush and eager to please. Desire would come rushing in my whole body. A lovely D/s dynamic! The Alchemist worked his magic. I tasted the intoxicating sweetness of total trust, lust and surrender. On my knees I shed many tears of sweet release. My long-standing rampart started to crumble. A big piece of my sexual healing unfolded.

You know, as Leonard Cohen writes, “I could not feel, so I learned to touch.” Touch with my voice, whip, hands, ropes…I got really good at it during all my years of erotic dominance! But letting it in for myself was another matter. I was finally ready! This softening gave me a deeper ability to connect with those I topped and brought more finesse to my Dominant style. A very hidden part of me started to peek out from behind the curtain and test the waters.

Two years later, in a different community ritual The Lover appeared. The time was right and still, I almost missed him.

Cleo Dubois

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News from

Cleo Dubois Academy of S/M Arts
email: CleoDubois@sm-arts.com
http://www.sm-arts.com
Tel:(650)322-0124

Enrollment is now open for the full 3 day Intensive March 26-28 at the SF Citadel for Professional Mistresses and experience Women players with an interest in the realm of professional dominance. Gain a greater understanding of fetishes and appreciation for the beauty of kinky sexuality. Look into it at: www.sm-arts.com/intensives/pros.html

Just want to be a more confident Top? Join up to 8 other Dominant Women or Women who Switch May 1-2 for the Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensive, Players' Course and gain the confidence you need to make your scenes soar! Tthis intimate workshop features hands-on play, roundtable seminars, and a private play party for participants and their partners Sunday night at the SF Citadel. Find info at: www.sm-arts.com/intensives/women.html

Anyone, Top, bottoms, switches, curious, partnered or not, visiting the San Francisco Bay Area is welcome to contact me for a private consultation or guided play in my peninsula dungeon. Check my website for complete details.

Interested in Fakir’s explorations? Visit his web site for photos, description and video clips of his feature length documentary movie DANCES SACRED & PROFANE and huge photographic art book SPIRIT + FLESH at: http://www.fakir.org/store/index.html.

Our next all day Community Workshop and Hook Energy Pull will take place in San Francisco on April 10. Please contact fakir@fakir.org if interested in participating.

Details at http://www.fakir.org/spiritflesh/index.html

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Cleo Dubois, 7: Family Ties

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CLEO DUBOIS _{is a BDSM Educator, ritualist, creator of the Academy of S/M Arts, and Leather columnist . A versatile sadomasochist whose private interests lay in caring sadism, switching and cross-orientation play, she came out in the San Francisco Leather Scene in the early 80's. Her two popular docu-films, "The Pain Game" and "Tie Me Up," are available on 1 DVD, "The S/M Arts Collection," on her website www.sm-arts.com, where you will also find details about the Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensives for Men and Women. She offers private guided play to individuals and couples in the privacy of her San Francisco area dungeon, as well as office and phone consultations.}

_{Read earlier installments:
Part One      Part Two      Part Three      Part Four      Part Five      Part Six}

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Family Ties!

This time of year is about giving thanks and taking inventory. Before I continue my story, I want to be clear. My intention is to reach those of you who embrace Dark Eros journeys to find pleasure, empowerment and healing. It is my experience that on our life path we encounter those who hold pieces of the puzzle that make us whole. In play many doors are open for us to step through and give or receive the most profound gifts in life. I also value therapy, couple counseling and personal reflection.

I found that archetypes live in us. By the new millennium my Husband Fakir clearly became Shaman/ Mentor; I had met the Predator whose role was part of my sexual reclaiming. I was no longer the rebel/ victim of my youth. I became, Warrior/ Queen of Swords in my BDSM work and private explorations.

If you have been with me for the last six months, you know that I cherish the connection to spirit I find in the rituals of BDSM and sex. It has not been a lonely journey as I am blessed to belong to a community of sexual beings of all persuasions. Currently married 20 years, part of a growing leather family, still enchanted by gay Leathermen and in love with a versatile, bisexual, married man who happens to be a shaman, slut and magical Top. It is complex!

A long way for a little straight catholic girl looking to escape a very stifling upbringing in an impossibly dysfunctional family! Yet we are making it work! And no, it is not easy. It is, however, well worth the challenges!

Ok, now where were we? My column ended last month as Alan had just walked into my little dungeon!

A charming bear with a big friendly smile, he came for a guided play session with his girlfriend and a gleam in his bright blue eyes. It didn’t take me long to sense that he was “one of us.” He may be a novice, I thought, but what a natural he is! A yacht racer, he had this woman tied up in no time. I noticed he got quite turned on spanking her…and I also noticed his wedding ring. Once play was over, I was bold, “You are into BDSM and it isn’t going to just go away. Are you out to your wife?”

That was early November. It was Valentine’s Day before I heard from him again. Far from disapproving, his wife of 29 years confessed to increasing her sexual arousal with secret kinky fantasies for a long time! From then on, every community event I attended -- classes, munches, conferences-- there they were, Sam and Alan! They even showed up at that queer sex party I talked about, Black Sheets! As it turns out they too are twisted, bi, poly. We became great friends. We were soon having hot, fun, kinky SM sex play together, the four of us.

That July they asked Fakir and me to officiate as they recommitted to their life partnership with matching brands. And then, a month later, we went to our first Burning Man together.

Alan was a hot Daddy from the start… with queer sensibilities… and both Fakir and I loved that. Sam’s inner boi came out in Black Rock City, and eight years later our ever flexible interrelationships continue to grow and intertwine. Two years ago we added one of my oldest and dearest friends, Ganymede, when he and Alan became lovers. The family that plays together stays together…

It’s much more than that. We all seek greater understanding of spirit and the energies that move through us. We have traveled far, invited by a BDSM or Body Mod group, to hold all day energy hook pull rituals. In 2003, we decided to put one on ourselves in our SF Bay community, the first of our semi-annual Spirit + Flesh ceremonies. http://www.fakir.org/spiritflesh/index.html

And that’s where I met the Alchemist, the Healer I was then ready for.

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Cleo will be back in January with her next-to-last essay. If you missed any of the earlier installments, catch up on this series now:

Part One      Part Two      Part Three      Part Four      Part Five      Part Six

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Interested in Fakir’s explorations? Visit his web site for photos, description and video clips of his feature length documentary movie DANCES SACRED & PROFANE and huge photographic art book SPIRIT + FLESH at: http://www.fakir.org/store/index.html

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News from

Cleo Dubois Academy of S/M Arts
email: CleoDubois@sm-arts.com
http://www.sm-arts.com
Tel:(650)322-0124

Enrollment is open for the Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensive for Men: Tops & Switches January 30-31 at the Citadel in San Francisco. Dominate with presence and passion, competence and compassion! Hands on playshops with our trained Academy volunteer bottoms, a 100+ page workbook and lots of personal attention from Cleo Dubois, Eve Minax and Selina Raven.

This Intensive is already half full! Sign up now at: www.sm-arts.com/intensives/men.html

We will offer a full 3 day Intensive March 26-28 at the SF Citadel for Professional Mistresses and experience Women players with an interest in the realm of professional dominance. Gain a greater understanding of fetishes and appreciation for the beauty of kinky sexuality. Look into it at: www.sm-arts.com/intensives/pros.html

Just want to be a n more confident Top? Join up to 8 other Dominant Women or Women who Switch May 1-2 for the Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensive, Players' Course and gain the confidence you need to make your scenes soar! Tthis intimate workshop features hands-on play, roundtable seminars, and a private play party for participants and their partners Sunday night at the SF Citadel. Find info at: www.sm-arts.com/intensives/women.html

Anyone, Top, bottoms, switches, curious, partnered or not, visiting the San Francisco Bay Area is welcome to contact me for a private consultation or guided play in my peninsula dungeon.

Interested?
See my new youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJWi8uDnTtw

Cleo Dubois, 6: The Predator and his (willing) Prey

I'm delighted to feature the sixth amazing installment in the autobiography of the wondrous Cleo Dubois. Today's photos are, again, marvelous treasures, and Cleo's life-story continues to evolve in astonishing ways. This essay ends with a cliff-hanger that will leave you hungry for the next development. Viva Cleo!

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CLEO DUBOIS _{is a BDSM Educator, ritualist, creator of the Academy of S/M Arts, and Leather columnist . A versatile sadomasochist whose private interests lay in caring sadism, switching and cross-orientation play, she came out in the San Francisco Leather Scene in the early 80's. Her two popular docu-films, "The Pain Game" and "Tie Me Up," are available on 1 DVD, "The S/M Arts Collection," on her website www.sm-arts.com, where you will also find details about the Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensives for Men and Women. She offers private guided play to individuals and couples in the privacy of her San Francisco area dungeon, as well as office and phone consultations.}

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The Predator and his (willing) Prey

As the century turned I dug deep into my psyche with my kink-aware therapist. I dredged up old traumas, cleaned house, so to speak, and freed the flames of my creative energy. I decided to make a film that would show the heart of BDSM and I found what I wanted. Creed had signed up to be my willing masochistic bottom at Thunder in the Mountains Leather Conference. We met and connected at first sight: her eyes were so vibrant, her attitude so powerful in her proud desire to serve, and she was beautiful! Our scene blew the roof off Denver’s Hyatt!

I just had to ask her if she’d be in my movie, the one I was definitely going to make, and gave her a year to answer. I had no experience, but I had friends who did: Annie Sprinkle featured in several videos I respected, Neon Weiss who worked with a production company and offered to be my director and Fakir who has a great eye for visual composition. I followed their advice to get a professional crew for sound, camera, and per Annie Sprinkle, a make-up artist too. In my home and dungeon, on a shoestring budget, over one unforgettable weekend, we shot The Pain Game, a queer and passionate endeavor. Everyone shared the vision: capturing the magic of BDSM in real play, safe, hot and connected.

   

   

In 2001 the Pain Game premiered at San Francisco Frameline LGBT festival, soon also screened in Paris, Berlin and Amsterdam… I felt empowered beyond my wildest hopes and very much in demand. Couples of all orientations looking to reignite their erotic connection despite disparity of taste and fetishes found their way to my Academy of SM Arts. I became a BDSM coach.

It was time for me to learn what I was teaching! Not “my way or the highway” but mutual transparency and negotiated agreements. Fakir and I made a weekly date night and honored it.

Fortunately in our San Francisco leathersex community we also got some of our needs met openly with informed consent at semi-public play parties. Black Sheets, the bimonthly pansexual SM sex party for gay and bi-kinksters a friend of ours ran, gave us a hot playground where, after 15 years at odds, safer sex and SM merged in pure raw encounters.

Opening the door to release your inner beast can be quite explosive. I was ready to reclaim a part of my sexuality shut down by the violent rape I survived in my late teens. Fakir could not embrace rough dominance, not his way! The fiery warrior I was deep inside craved to be made to give up erotic control to an aggressive man in whom I had trust and lust.

For years I had had a serious crush on John, our bodyworker. Although he presented as a charming Don Juan with no experience in the Scene, I sensed his appetite for dominance and rough sex. Each visit, he set his massage table up in my quiet little dungeon, where many of my toys grace the walls. That could not have helped but feed his erotic imagination.

A lone wolf whose untamed energy I found irresistible, I pursued him. I wanted him to take me down hard and make me fly. I asked only for a RED safeword. I knew bottoming to him would be a very powerful reclaiming sexual experience. The night John took me home, his inner predator came out full force. He pinned me down, spanked me hard, demanding I remain still and take it for him. He did not think twice about grabbing my hair and fucking my face. My orgasms were his to command. Our torrid dates made me beg for more.

Not from the BDSM community, he was not schooled in aftercare. He did not want to talk about the ritual violence of our sexual encounters. Without support, it was only a few months later he that dismissed me with the click of an email. I was a mess. Fakir stood by me and pointed out that my lone wolf was a coward who scared himself with his own dark side. Still, with all the support I had, it took me a few months to let go of him, my anger and my lust. Stronger, I realized that intimacy does not always come in the hot sex package. I had an extra ordinary loving partner and counted my blessings….

And then, one evening in late October, Alan walked into my dungeon looking for Top training…little did I know he and his wife would really become our family.

--Cleo Dubois

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I bet you can't wait for December. If you haven't already, read the full series of Cleo's autobiographical essays now:

Part One      Part Two      Part Three      Part Four      Part Five

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Interested in Fakir’s explorations? Visit his web site for photos, description and video clips of his feature length documentary movie DANCES SACRED & PROFANE and huge photographic art book SPIRIT + FLESH at: http://www.fakir.org/store/index.html

Cleo Dubois Academy of S/M Arts
email: CleoDubois@sm-arts.com
http://www.sm-arts.com
Tel:(650)322-0124

Time is running out to sign up for the next Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensive for Women: Tops and Switches, November 14-15 at the SF Citadel. Dominate with presence and passion, competence and compassion! Hands on playshops with our trained Academy volunteers bottoms, workbook and lots of personal attention from Cleo Dubois, Eve Minax and Selina Raven.

Enrollment is now open for the January 29-31 (2010) Weekend for Dominant Men and those who Switch.

Find out more at  www.sm-arts.com/intensives/women.html

Anyone, Top, bottoms, switches, curious, partnered or not, visiting the San Francisco Bay Area is welcome to contact me for a private consultation or guided play in my San Francisco Peninsula dungeon.

Cleo Dubois, 5: Rocky Road

The fifth gripping installment in one of the world's most remarkable autobiographies! The courage and honesty of their lives truly is inspirational. I am honored to be able to share this rich and beautiful story and photojournal of the ups and downs and ins and outs of the amazing Cleo Dubois and Fakir Musafar.

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CLEO DUBOIS _{is a BDSM Educator, ritualist, creator of the Academy of S/M Arts, and Leather columnist . A versatile sadomasochist whose private interests lay in caring sadism, switching and cross-orientation play, she came out in the San Francisco Leather Scene in the early 80's. Her two popular docu-films, "The Pain Game" and "Tie Me Up," are available on 1 DVD, "The S/M Arts Collection," on her website www.sm-arts.com, where you will also find details about the Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensives for Men and Women. She offers private guided play to individuals and couples in the privacy of her San Francisco area dungeon, as well as office and phone consultations.}

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Rocky Road:
“sometimes the light’s all shining on me, other times I can barely see…”

We all know our play personas and the roles we explore give voice to our inner Child, Slut, Master, Queen, Servant, Sadist, Mentor… Fueled by the heat of our sexual hunger we re-visit stifled or shamed desires on our own adult terms. During our kinky erotic explorations, profound connections and deep healing happen. Lessons are there to be learnt.

Master M was the right Top to nurture Fakir’s female persona. They shared a mutual fetish and turn-on for corsets, garters, bondage and gender play. Master M got quite turned on by cinching him up and sensually adorning his legs with silky seamed stockings. They also shared heart space. Master M’s “Daddy” side seduced the hidden young queer boy in Fakir to come out. A good Daddy, he brought much healing to the complex visionary Fakir is.

Indeed our passionate lover was quite a shapeshifter. Dominant sadistic Top or sex slave, he excelled in both. I greatly enjoyed using him for my pleasure and was happy to become his masochistic sex toy when the mood took us there.

You know how archetypes are, both the light and the dark co-exist and it can be so easy to slip out of the light. One Saturday night 10 years after we connected and while I was away at a leather conference, Master M let out his predatory self and gave Fakir an ultimatum: him or me. Although my husband’s “submissive self” did not want to let go of his Daddy/Master, he knew his life commitment was to me. We parted ways and did not see him again.

Our mutual loss pitted us against each other and resentment built. A skilled kink aware therapist helped us focus on and honor what we valued in each other. We renewed our sacred contract. We loved each other and worked great together as Shamans and ritualists.

We went in search of the live roots of ecstatic piercing rituals. In 1995 during our trip to Malaysia Fakir encountered Murugan the Southern Hindu Archetype to whom the Thaipusam Festival is dedicated. Kali made me Hers when I visited one of Her small temples in Penang. These energies were so awesomely real, there was no denying them. We were on our path and it was NOT a surprise that our BDSM lifestyle was part of our mission.

Up until the late 90s requests for our work abounded: Avant garde art festivals hungered for Fakirs’ photo exhibits, our body performances and shamanic ceremonies. Copenhagen, Lisbon, Tokyo, Osaka, London, Santa Monica, Paris, everywhere we went, we met wonderful folks eager for the rituals we were honored to bring them. Canal +, a French film production company, financed a short documentary on Fakir. I was glad to translate and add my touch to the film.

When the curtain closed and we got home, I realized I was not happy. I felt a huge gap between our archetypal selves, my warrior queen and his shaman, and our everyday realities. Our erotic connection was tenuous. My dominance outside the dungeon took an ugly turn. Looking at where we came from (both our mothers were the boss at home) it is not surprising that I, too, was domineering instead of consensually dominant. I must say that his passive aggressive habits did not help one bit! The Oppressor/Victim tandem rarely leads to hot play or harmonious home life!

I entered deep private therapy again. I wanted face my demons, find more balance in my life and deepen our relationship. It was the beginning of a new century.

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Sixth installment coming in November! Read previous installments now:

Part Four
Part Three
Part Two
Part One

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Interested in Fakir’s explorations? Visit his web site for photos, description and video clips of his feature length documentary movie DANCES SACRED & PROFANE and huge photographic art book SPIRIT + FLESH at: http://www.fakir.org/store/index.html

Cleo Dubois Academy of S/M Arts
email: CleoDubois@sm-arts.com
http://www.sm-arts.com
Tel:(650)322-0124

My Academy of SM Arts is now enrolling The next Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensive for Women: Tops and Switches, November 14-15 at the SF Citadel. Dominate with presence and passion, competence and compassion! Hands on playshops with our trained Academy volunteers bottoms, workbook and lots of personal attention from Cleo Dubois, Eve Minax and Selina Raven.

Find out more at  www.sm-arts.com/intensives/women.html

Anyone, Top, bottoms, switches, curious, partnered or not, visiting the San Francisco Bay Area is welcome to contact me for a private consultation or guided play in my San Francisco Peninsula dungeon.

Cleo Dubois, 4: Love Triangle

The fourth truly amazing installment in Cleo Dubois' ongoing series of autobiographical essays. Fantastic story, fantastic images, fantastic woman. Thank you, Cleo!!

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CLEO DUBOIS _{is a BDSM Educator, ritualist, creator of the Academy of S/M Arts, and Leather columnist . A versatile sadomasochist whose private interests lay in caring sadism, switching and cross-orientation play, she came out in the San Francisco Leather Scene in the early 80's. Her two popular docu-films, "The Pain Game" and "Tie Me Up," are available on 1 DVD, "The S/M Arts Collection," on her website www.sm-arts.com, where you will also find details about the Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensives for Men and Women. She offers private guided play to individuals and couples in the privacy of her San Francisco area dungeon, as well as office and phone consultations.}

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Love Triangle

My husband built me a beautiful little dungeon, everything my Dominant self wanted: a real play space, a room where the routines of our daily life do not enter, a sanctuary.

Of course I, Cleo the Domina, soon made it into my session space. A caring Mistress yet fierce, focused and sadistic, I often took my clients to levels of exploration they did not know existed. I sure scared a few and pleased many with my zeal!  But, more than anything, I wanted Fakir’s surrender on my own terms while he wanted me to “do him” his way!  It became obvious we had control issues!

We created a performance symbolizing our desire to release our unwanted baggage.  We labeled many old-fashioned hard suitcases with our inner demons: fear, abuse, neglect, judgments, and obsolete Christian values… Fakir lifted the luggage with flesh hooks in his pierced chest through a pulley high up to the ceiling of a downtown theater in Santa Cruz. I cut the luggage loose. I was his traveling companion in the hangar of our bruised psyches. Our Torture Circus body performance made the local paper.  Of course it did not “fix” our trust issues!

A word about the influence of our formative years: My father suffered from a lack of formal education and low self esteem. He did not tolerate challenges to his authority and was prone to fits of anger. My mother focused all her attention on her journalistic pursuits.  In Paris, I attended a private catholic girl school.  Bullies from the boys school a block away scared me as I walked by five days a week. My first kiss, pinned to a tree on my way home from school, was stolen by such a bully. Repeated sexual abuse in my young adulthood led me to “collect” gay men as friends.  I felt safe, sexy and preferred their taste and wit. Not that it kept me from taking young men back to my studio to fuck, but no kissing or sleep-overs.  Sexually promiscuous yet emotionally distant was my style. Years later in California, consensual SM play and exotic sex with Leathermen allowed me to experience true connections. Scenes were negotiated, boundaries set, safewords honored. Chaps, leather harnesses and boots added to my turn on!

As it turned out Fakir had a dominant mother and a quiet absent father. Perceived as an effeminate young “mama boy” he too was bullied, a lot. His queer tastes were buried deep in the bland vanilla culture of pre-1950 rural USA. An avid reader of National Geographic, he secretly began his maverick solo life-long experiments in piercing, bondage, corseting, branding, feminization, and even gave himself his first magic mark, a tattoo.

Looking back, I never gave up the close circle of friends I shared erotic energy and body rituals with, my spiritual and sexual kinky gay men. I brought Fakir into our circle. Besides, we both wanted a Top. “Every Top needs a Top,” right?

Fakir was too shy to act upon his desires for a man’s attentions. I sensed he wanted permission and gave it to him so he could give it to himself. A masculine partner who wanted both of us would be just right. Master M. was it: European fetishist, sadistic, bisexual, with an eclectic voracious appetite. He danced with us for a decade.

© Cleo Dubois 2009

Fifth installment coming in October! Read previous installments now:

Part Three
Part Two
Part One

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Cleo Dubois Academy of S/M Arts
email: CleoDubois@sm-arts.com
http://www.sm-arts.com
Tel:(650)322-0124

My Academy of SM Arts is now enrolling The next Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensive is for Men: Tops and Switches, October 3-4 at the SF Citadel. Dominate with presence and passion, competence and compassion! Hands on playshops with our trained Academy volunteers bottoms, workbook and lots of personal attention from Cleo Dubois, Eve Minax and Selina Raven.

Find out more at http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/men.html.
Apply at http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/form-men.html

Anyone, Top, bottoms, switches, curious, partnered or not, visiting the San Francisco Bay Area is welcome to contact me for a private consultation or guided play in my San Francisco Peninsula dungeon. Email CleoDubois@sm-arts.com

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Archival copies of Body Play B&W photo magazine: http://www.bodyplay.com/current/

Info on Body Piercing Intensives: www.fakir.org

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SPIRIT+FLESH is a 50-year photographic retrospective of Fakir's body modifications and rituals plus images of those he inspired. It is a 296 page, three pound hard cover art book that graphically illustrates a broad spectrum of physical experiences: bondage, sensory deprivation, tattooing, piercing, fetishes, body rituals and modifications. Introductory text was written by Mark Thompson author of Leatherfolk. For more information and orders go to:
http://www.fakir.org/store/spiritflesh.html

Cleo Dubois, 3: My American Dream, 1990

CLEO DUBOIS _{is a BDSM Educator, ritualist, creator of the Academy of S/M Arts, and Leather columnist . A versatile sadomasochist whose private interests lay in caring sadism, switching and cross-orientation play, she came out in the San Francisco Leather Scene in the early 80's. Her two popular docu-films, "The Pain Game" and "Tie Me Up," are available on 1 DVD, "The S/M Arts Collection," on her website www.sm-arts.com, where you will also find details about the Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensives for Men and Women. She offers private guided play to individuals and couples in the privacy of her San Francisco area dungeon, as well as office and phone consultations.}

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My American Dream, 1990

I moved in. And there it was, my American dream! A home, with a little yard and a sweet cat. We were nesting, getting acquainted, becoming more intimate. We dropped our public personae and still enjoyed each other’s company! I was a good cook but I didn’t know how to drive a car.  I used to say “I drove people” as I rode the commuter train to San Francisco to do SM sessions in my dear friend, Mistress Sybil Holiday’s dungeon.

Clouds that transformed later into blessings brought on a lot of changes. Fakir lost his advertising agency and became a full time body piercer at Gauntlet, the only piercing store in San Francisco in 1990. Soon he started teaching the art and skills of modern body piercing in our kitchen. Now in their nineteenth year, his body piercing Intensives have a permanent home in the city’s leather neighborhood. Of course he remained faithful to his first love, taking photographs!

In 1992 his magazine “BodyPlay and Modern Primitives Quarterly” was born, self-published and filling an information vacuum in the burgeoning bodymod sub-culture. It was his baby and I was all for it!

I had always been a city girl. I continued to frequent the San Francisco Folsom street bars after my afternoons as a Mistress. Piercing, cutting and SM performances to blasting house music were blossoming all over those funky little bars. These young kinky queer performers were my people. I brought many home to pose for BodyPlay.

In turn Fakir took my pictures and designed my Mistress ads.

I shall never forget that these were the years of the plague. Cabbing it from crowded hospital wards to hospices to say goodbye to countless men dying was part of my life after work. So many of my mentors, the fisters and leathermen who had shared their radical sexuality were at death’s door within just a few months. Young men in wheelchairs with gaunt faces were too common a terrible sight in the Castro. Attending memorials became a Sunday ritual. It felt like being on the front line of a terrible war.

The community rallied. Together, Fakir and I designed performances for numerous Aids fund-raisers we were ask to perform at.

Trained in contact and theatre improvisation and proud of my fiery SM, I created White Bird, a vision of a human bird with wings of feathered clothespin zippers. Masochistic women would submit to my sadistic glee as I ripped their wings off at such fundraisers.

We became more and more involved in the SM community. I marched in leather contingents at LGBT pride parades, early Folsom Street Fairs. I met my heroes, the pillars of wisdom and gentle warriors of our lifestyle, Mark Thompson, Geoff Mains, Joseph Bean, Guy Baldwin, Patrick Califia, * formerly known as Pat Califia*, and Gayle Rubin. Following these formidable leather pioneers, I found my voice teaching SM classes on connection, safety and the magic of these consensual exchanges.

Fakir brought into our leather culture the shamanic piercing rites he had explored and loved. He offered ball dances, an ecstatic pierced body prayer to the many seeking altered states and healing. (see pictures of the rituals in Part I of my autobiography)

I had married a kinky guy! Dubbed a magical masochist, he had been his own fetishistic Top and bottom for 30 years, doing himself his own way. I became his apprentice, embracing my role of servant Mistress. I was honing the many eclectic SM skills that would make me a sophisticated, caring Domina: suspension, electricity, mummification, bondage, play piercing, sensory deprivation and the art of taking someone on a powerful ride. We were a pair of daring sadomasochistic switches seeking light in these darkest of times. Our private play made us fly.

I also became a housewife…. And then he built me a dungeon….

© Cleo Dubois 2009

Fourth installment coming in September! Read previous installments now:

Part II
Part I

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email: CleoDubois@sm-arts.com

Cleo Dubois Academy of S/M Arts
http://www.sm-arts.com

Tel:(650)322-0124

My Academy of SM Arts is no longer enrolling the annual Erotic Dominance Intensive for Professionals August 14-16 ! The intimate 3 day course is full!

The next Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensive is for Men: Tops and Switches, October 3-4 at the SF Citadel. Dominate with presence and passion, competence and compassion! Hands on playshops with our trained Academy volunteers bottoms, workbook and lots of personal attention from Cleo Dubois, Eve Minax and Selina Raven.

Find out more at http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/men.html.
Apply at http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/form-men.html

Anyone, Top, bottoms, switches, curious, partnered or not, visiting the San Francisco Bay Area is welcome to contact me for a private consultation or guided play in my San Francisco Peninsula dungeon. Email CleoDubois@sm-arts.com

Archival copies of Body Play B&W photo magazine: http://www.bodyplay.com/current/

Info on Body Piercing Intensives: www.fakir.org

Cleo Dubois, 2: A Big Mistake

CLEO DUBOIS _{is a BDSM Educator, ritualist, creator of the Academy of S/M Arts, and Leather columnist . A versatile sadomasochist whose private interests lay in caring sadism, switching and cross-orientation play, she came out in the San Francisco Leather Scene in the early 80's. Her two popular docu-films, "The Pain Game" and "Tie Me Up," are available on 1 DVD, "The S/M Arts Collection," on her website www.sm-arts.com, where you will also find details about the Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensives for Men and Women. She offers private guided play to individuals and couples in the privacy of her San Francisco area dungeon, as well as office and phone consultations.Read Part I of Cleo's story}

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A BIG mistake

It was 1988; I had been a professional Domina for quite a few years already. Fakir and I were vacationing in Mexico when I first encountered his inner femme. I did encourage ” her” to come out, bought him a sexy pair of black high heels at that little shop on the back of the church where “Berdaches”, gender bending shamans, and diva/boys shopped. I dressed him in my beautiful white summer dress and had him sashay for me on the hotel veranda at sunset. I had play in mind.

Humiliating cross-dressers was in my repertoire as a Mistress. Deep inside I harbored disdain for men in dresses as poor imitations of women. As our play unfolded, I tied him to a white rattan chair, thighs spread wide, ridiculed and verbally abused him for his lack of masculinity. There was nothing about humiliation that was a turn on for him/her. Our scene turned sour. I got angry, so did he and he felt deeply hurt. He wanted so badly to be accepted for the fetish girl he was inside. Seven years earlier, he had divorced his first wife who despised his kinky appetite and shamanic explorations. He wanted a loving Dominant Mistress, and he thought he had found her.

I took off his rhinestone collar and we both buried that memory as if it never happened. We did not play that way again for several years. When we opened dialogue again on his gender play, he volunteered that for several decades he was his own Top and his own bottom! It took me several years to accept that his gender explorations were part of his shamanic tradition.

In her monthly column “Relaiming Eros” on www.CarnalNation, my friend Margaret Wade explains that “a fairly consistent feature of the stories of two-spirit people is that they were respected within their communities and, in most tribes, were simply considered another gender.”

_{photo by Erin Flynn}

In those days, so many of my friends were dying: young and middle-aged leathermen ravaged by the opportunistic diseases of HIV/Aids at death’s door in a matter of a few weeks! My grief was so big, it blinded me. I was looking for Daddy, security and magic. The magic that would fix all. I did not see the two-paths walker Fakir really was. Sure I had seen photos of him corseted, soft and submissive. It turned out that he had made his first corset in 1958 and pierced his ears so he could wear earrings in private!

The leatherman of my dreams he was not, but the bigness of his heart and spirit touched me deeply. We dated, got engaged and a year later we tied the knot in a beautiful redwood grove in the summer of 1990. Witnessed by our leather tribe, our very close friend , playmate, Wicca priest leather faerie Ganymede drew a magic circle and called in big spirits. Jim Ward, co-creator of modern body piercing with Fakir, was our civil representative. We were gifted the service of a 25 year old “leather boy ” for our pleasure that night!

A little kinky I guess, but really very appropriate for us!

Plus ca change, plus c”est la meme chose.

(to be continued) © Cleo Dubois 2009

Cleo Dubois Academy of S/M Arts
http://www.sm-arts.com

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Heading to Colorado this summer? Meet me at Thunder in the Mountains July 17-19! I am pleased to be present my new class on Conscious Sadism. "Let Your Beast Out". Will be hot! I am also offering a community needle pull energy ritual with my dear friend and co-teacher at the Academy of SM Arts, Eve Minax.

Find out more
http://thunderinthemountains.com

My Academy of SM Arts is now enrolling the annual Erotic Dominance Intensive for Professionals ! If you are already involved or know someone interested in this work, this full three day course at the SF Citadel August 14-16 is filled with practical and psychological tools! Hands on playshops with our trained Academy volunteers bottoms , workbook and lots of personal attention from Cleo Dubois, Eve Minax and Selina Raven.

Find out more
http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/pros.html

Apply at
http://www.sm-arts.com/intensives/form-pros.html.

Cleo Dubois, 1: In Cleo's Words

Cleo Dubois is a BDSM Educator, ritualist, creator of the Academy of S/M Arts, and Leather columnist . A versatile sadomasochist whose private interests lay in caring sadism, switching and cross-orientation play, she came out in the San Francisco Leather Scene in the early 80's. Her two popular docu-films, "The Pain Game" and "Tie Me Up," are available on 1 DVD, "The S/M Arts Collection," on her website www.sm-arts.com, where you will also find details about the Erotic Dominance Weekend Intensives for Men and Women and Private Guided Play for Couples.

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In Cleo's words....

BDSM is my lifelong passion. I am a ritualist who connects heat, heart and spirit with my radical sexuality. I am a dominant woman who also personally appreciates the joys of bottoming. As a community player, I feel that we are explorers on the ecstatic path of conscious erotic energy exchange.

In 1995 I founded the Academy of S/M Arts to empower and guide those on their own leather journeys. In 2002, my Academy of SM Arts offered its first Erotic Dominance Intensive for Women, a small focused hands-on weekend workshop. I now also offer weekend Intensives for Dominant Men and Men Who Switch with Eve Minax and Selina Raven several times a year at the SF Citadel in San Francisco. We host a yearly course for professional Dominas as well. Details are on my website, www.sm-arts.com

My award-winning docufilm “The Pain Game”, 2000 with then Denver resident beautiful masochist creed, has become a classic noted for its authenticity in embodying the spirit of connected SM play. Published in many non-fiction lifestyle books I am thrilled to be invited to share about my life on Gloria's blog.

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7 Pervs, Three Marriages, One Kinky Lifestyle
by Cleo Dubois

As I drive to the city to meet my sweet kinky lover for our weekly night of romance and focused ecstatic sex, my husband of 19 years is with my boi, Sam, while her husband spends the night with his boyfriend! It’s poly, twisted and kinky, all right! Maintaining a family of caring friends may be challenging, but love is all there is. Really!

I haven’t always known I was kinky. Passionate yes, sexually adventurous certainly, but it wasn’t until my then boyfriend, Bob, took me to Mistress Kat‘s groundbreaking SM seminar in San Francisco that I discovered my deep-rooted sadomasochistic tendencies. She demonstrated her own sense of Dominance, collared and whipped her lover, “mouse,” turning him on and humbling him at once.

A big light went off in my head. Here was the fire I had not found in vanilla sex. Soon after I joined the first California leather support group, Society of Janus, Kat had spoken of.

In those days you had to bottom before you dare top. Volunteering for their monthly programs, I got spanked, flogged, tied up, teased and tormented, fisted and appreciated. I met Fakir at a Janus evening at the famed “Chateau.” A slender man with glasses, a dry sense of humor and the ability to share his body explorations with great warmth, he asked who wanted to slide their index finger through his enlarged pierced nipples. I volunteered! Of course!

He always ended his presentations with a demo, often an exotic body practice of pain/pleasure, and that I found fascinating! He indeed was a different kind of bird! While my playground was the private SM Sex club, the Catacombs, he was into piercings, branding, sensory deprivation and shamanic ceremonies inspired by other cultures. Eventually I asked him to suture balls on my skin for a private ritual to help me deal with the grief of the losses to Aids of so many of my playmates. He gracefully obliged. My then lover beat the drum. We all connected.

Fakir had done his own Sundance and O-kee-pa ceremonies. They had been filmed and were part of a documentary.  In 1986 when the film Bizarre Rituals Dances Sacred and Profane [VHS] premiered at the Roxie Theater in San Francisco, I organized a reception for him. I wanted to know him better.

What I did not see coming was falling in love with him that very night! Not with the man himself but with his image on the screen as he was hanging out of his body by hooks off a cottonwood tree!

We fell in love with who we portrayed, it took a long time to fall in love with the real us! Little did I know then that he would someday put a wedding ring on my finger, let alone wear my collar! …sometimes!

© Cleo Dubois 2009

Cleo Dubois Academy of S/M Arts
http://www.sm-arts.com
Read the July installment now CleoDubois@earthlink.net
Tel:(650)322-0124

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Meanwhile, if you're in the Bay area, see some awesome exhibits of Fakir's photographic art:

Fakir's GenderFlex Photo Exhibit Saturday June 6 exhibit opening and artist's reception 7 to 10 PM at Femina Potens Gallery, 2199 Market Street (corner of Sanchez) San Francisco, California. GenderFlex is part of the Femina Potens IDENTITY show, National Queer Arts Festival and Gay Pride month events. Fakir's GenderFlex exhibit features color portraits of local and community trans persons: those who feel out-of-place on either end of the gender spectrum and have found a more comfortable place in the middle or opposite end. The exhibit will be open until June 28, Wednesday through Saturday, noon to 6 PM. For more info, go to Fakir's web site www.fakir.org.

Cleo will have some very interesting things to say about gender explorations in her July column!

Also check out Fakir's other photo exhibit, EROTIC EMBRACE OF THE CORSET at the Center For Sex & Culture, 1519 Mission Street, San Francisco. Artist's Reception Friday June 19, 7-10 PM. Fifty years of photography of extreme body modification with tight lacing. This exhibit will be up through July. Call CSC for open times: 415-255-1155 or see events on their web site at www.sexandculture.org.

Call for contributions: 20 Up SM Project

Would you like to help me educate new generations of BDSMers and straight folks too about long-term, real-life kink relationships? You are all invited to contribute personal essays or autobiographical reflections for the 20 Up SM Project.

I selected Cleo Dubois to debut this on-going series and she has been contributing monthly installments on her biography.  I hope to feature serialized biographies of other SM celeb types as well. But I would welcome and enjoy hearing from anyone who has been in a long-term kink-based relationship and is willing to say a few words (or paragraphs) about their experiences. Here are the guidelines:

1. I'm looking for short essays (500 words or less) about people's personal experiences in keeping kinky relationships alive and well in the long-term. What are some of the keys to your successes? Did you make any mistakes that others could learn from? How has your relationship grown or evolved over time? 2. This project is 100% pansexual. As long as kink has been a part of your relationship, and as long as that relationship has lasted 20 years, you are invited to contribute and help educate others about the possibilities, and realities, of kink life.

3. You may choose to remain anonymous in public, but in private I'll need some proof that you are a real person. To prevent pranks, if I don't know you personally, I will ask for verification of your identity.

4. You must own the copyright to what you give me. It's okay if you've published it elsewhere or are excerpting it from a book you've written, but it must be your original writing and you must have full rights to republish it here.

5. Contributors are welcome to share images, links, and promotional materials on any events, groups, or businesses they're involved with, as long as rule #4 applies.

5. Send queries or essays to gloriasmind@aol.com.

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Spread The Word

Feel free to send this to anyone you know you might be interested in contributing. Thanks.

Towards better role models: the 20 Up SM Project

One of the more frustrating aspects of being an old-time, been around forever (or so it feels), SMer is that people coming out today are often as confused as I was when I first entered the Scene 25 years ago.

I've always hoped to see a radical shift in the way people thought about SM as our community grew and evolved.  That's really what Different Loving was all about, at least for this author.   Socially, I hoped to see a major shift in pop culture towards realizing that BDSM, fetishes, poly, swinging and all other kink-related type sexual desires are reasonably common expressions of human sexuality, and that the people who do BDSM are themselves pretty normal people.  But more importantly, I hoped to see SMers themselves come to the realization that romance, commitment, partnership and SM can and do go together.

One of my myriad theories in working with the kinky people who make up about 80% of my therapy practice, is that we have all suffered from a lack of positive role models for how to lead a happy, fulfilling, self-aware SM life in the context of committed relationships. We have an abundance of role models -- from brilliantly delightful to hideously dysfunctional -- when it comes to vanilla relationships. But how many SM lifestyle couples do you know who have lasted 20 years? True, nowadays, even straight marriages crumble quickly, but I'm hardly the first person to note that people get in and out of "master/slave" relationships faster than you can say farfegnugen . (If you can say it at all.)

For all the wonderfulness of on-line SM -- offering people excitement and companionship -- there is a significant lack of real dialogue about relationships that work in reality, as opposed to relationships based on fantasy models.  As I've written before, I believe some of this stems from the authority given to the opinions of professional dominatrices: they give us glamour and they've got the best clothes and toys; but when it comes to structuring the kind of relationships the rest of us are seeking, their advice is often counter-productive. It's fine for Mistress So-and-So to always be in role with her slaves; to expect them never to question and always to be abject and submissive to her.  But I've never yet met anyone who can live 24/7 the way a prodomme can run a scene for an hour -- and that includes the prodommes themselves.

You wouldn't know it from the Net or the club scene, but there are lots of mainstream Americans who have balanced BDSM sex with marriage, children, work, or other obligations. They seldom speak publicly about it in part because quite often the most successful couples don't need to gush about private details on the Internet. More often than not, sadly, it's the people with something to prove (or the ones trolling for new meat) who offer the most candid and revealing confessions

So it occurred to me that it might be a very worthwhile project if I did a kind of "DifLove lite" on this blog. What if I asked some SM individuals who have been in long-term marriages or committed relationships, who have found their happiness and are fulfilled by their choices, to write autobiographical essays I could publish here? We don't just need new role models: we need GOOD role models. Whether or not we might choose to live the lives they lead, it's important for SMers to move past the play party, the social Scene, and the disillusion that comes when all the crap you read on-line about how SM is supposed to work doesn't work for you. Time to take an in-depth view at how intelligent, emotionally self-aware adults achieve the balance that allows them to have it all: hot sadomasochistic sex, and true love and happiness too.

My first choice for this series was Cleo Dubois, who is one of my many SM heroes. For over 20 years, Cleo and her famous husband, Fakir Musafar, have been working, playing, and loving together. Starting today, and running once a month for the rest of this year, I will be featuring a series of illustrated autobiographical reflections by Cleo on her life as  thinking, caring, SMer.

Hope you'll not only enjoy, but learn from what Cleo has to say, and I also hope to feature other couples who've been together 20 years plus in the future. Stay tuned for Part I in the Cleo series, coming to this blog in a couple of hours.