Dear Gloria Brame,
I love your wonderful website!!!
I am a submissive sissy male seeking Your advice.
I have always loved dominant-type women, and now I finally have gathered up the courage to finally write a letter to a woman I have known for a couple of years, to see if she would consider having a "servant".
Here is a copy of the letter I am considering writing to Her. I would love to hear your critique of it, if you would be so kind....Thank you so very much and
Thank Goddess for wonderful Women like you!!!
Here is the letter below:"Hi "X",
I know you’re not expecting a letter from me, so I hope this does not shock you or anything, rather I hope you are pleasantly surprised, for that is my intention.
It’s kind of hard to know where to begin this, for I have not done this ever before in my life, quite like this!
I think you are a very attractive woman. I hope that doesn’t scare you, rather I hope it flatters you, or produces some other positive emotion. I think you are a very fine woman. I think you are a very beautiful woman, and I think you are a wonderful person.
I have always admired your voluptuous beauty, from a distance, but never-the-less, I’ve admired you.
As far as I know you are not married, but I don’t know if you have a boyfriend (or girlfriend) right now. I wonder if you would even consider seeing someone like myself. After all, I don’t know if I could measure up to your high standards for a lover.
I know I’m probably not much of a man in your eyes. I wouldn’t blame you for thinking that. I don’t consider myself much of a man either. I am certainly not the most masculine man you’ve ever known....maybe I’m even the least masculine man you’ve known.
I look in the mirror and I don’t see that much of a man in myself, with my baldness, long skinny arms, long gray hair and protruding gut, I don’t expect you to accept me as a prime male, not by any means. But I’m not even expecting that. I doubt if I could live up to your masculine standards. I would not even expect to be your regular boyfriend.
I know this may sound weird, but all I am asking to be is perhaps some kind of person put into your service to perform domestic duties in your household, or maybe be a personal attendant. I would love to do things like: be your hairdresser, brush your hair; do your laundry for you; clean house for you; or whatever.
Maybe I could be there for you to give you a foot massage, after a long day, or to cook for you and have your dinner ready for you when you come home from work. I would not mind you being the 'boss'. I like the idea of “role reversal” in female-male relationships.
Please don’t make a hasty decision about this. Hey, I wouldn’t even mind it if you were seeing other men or women. I could even help you look your best – I could set your hair for you and then while your hair is drying, give you a pedicure or paint your toenails for you after I give you a foot massage, if you want – you’re the boss. (I think all women should be the boss over men!)
Anyway, I guess this is enough for now. This will give you something to think about. I know you are probably still good friends with my ex-landlady, and maybe you will talk to her about this, I don’t know. I’ve never said anything about this to her myself. It would not bother me if you did or did not. That’s your prerogative, of course.
I just hope you don’t think this is too strange for you. I hope rather that you would be willing to consider my offer seriously, and want to talk more about this to me. I would not expect an immediate reply, but will eagerly look forward to something – a phone call or whatever, in the near future. My number is: ___-____.
...Am I coming on too strong?
You've asked for an honest opinion so I will give you mine, in my usual blunt fashion. Please take it in the spirit of constructive criticism: one reason I'm publishing your question here is because I think many other male submissives make similar mistakes when they approach potential dommes.
Also I'm not going to take a clinical approach. I'm going to speak to you as one sadomasochist to another, okay?
I thought the letter was fine up until the third paragraph, where you tell her you find her attractive. But with the next sentence ("I hope that doesn't scare you") it all starts going wrong and never gets right again.
Let me explain about the reality of being a woman first, and a femdom second. As most any sane woman will tell you, when a man's first overture to you includes assurances that he is not scary ("I hope that doesn't scare you"), you tend to think there must be something scary about him--why else would he start off by warning you? It's like men who start off insisting they aren't stalkers: most times, they are stalkers. By raising the issue, you are communicating that you yourself are worried you may be scary, or out of control, or otherwise someone whose behavior is or might become alarming. Honey, that in itself is alarming.
Next, the message you communicate is, essentially, that you want to control how she will respond to you. That hoists the first of several SM red flags. As a femdom, I can say that if I wanted a man to manipulate me into emotions (or phonecalls), I'd be a submissive.
Femdoms like to PICK who they are with. This doesn't mean we don't enjoy compliments, pretty words, and all the other niceties of courtship. But neither do those things make us feel obligated to respond in kind, much less to feel the feelings men want us to feel for them.
The old model of male/female courtship is transactional: you say nice things, you buy a girl dinner, maybe you get laid. The femdom model is, or should be, different: you say nice things, you buy the femdom dinner, and it won't make a damn difference unless she desires you for her own reasons. I have been wooed by many and have only accepted a few. Why? I'm not a prodom. I'm not in it for the money. I'm in it for my personal pleasure--and that makes ALL the difference in the world. It's about MY personal pleasure, not about what men want from me. I don't work off the old model. Real femdoms can't be bought, unless we set the price and make you sweat to pay it.
The further you go, the more red flags pop up. You haven't gone to the effort to find out if she is available, which suggests that you have been more preoccupied with your fantasies about her than about her as a real person. A conventional (vanilla) married woman might be shocked, and not in a happy way, by a letter such as this. More than a few husbands (kinky ones included) might be considerably less happy--if not downright hostile--to a man who writes their wives suggesting fetishistic intimacy. Had you considered the consequences if an angry husband or boyfriend read this?
Next, from a femdom POV, your painfully honest self-critique would not lure me. If you are such an unattractive and poor candidate for a relationship, what is my incentive in getting involved with you? This approach will never work with any woman worth having. It will only attract a sociopath whose chief thrill comes from preying on people with low self-esteem. If you present as a doormat, you will get stepped on.
I believe your reasons for finding this lady delicious. Now it's up to you then to give her reasons to find you delicious. If you want to win a woman's heart you have to believe you have at least a few winning qualities. If you are not proud of your looks, and don't have the energy or commitment to improve them, then why mention them at all? In real life, most people consider looks only one factor; only shallow people consider them the most important factor. Do you excel at anything? Do you dress well? Cook well? Are you athletic? Hard-working? Reliable? Funny? Educated? Do you sing or play a musical instrument? Draw or paint? Everyone has something going for them: if they do not, it only means they haven't tried to get anything going.
Courtship is the time to look, act and be your best: detailing your flaws by way of introduction is an exercise in emotional masochism, not a successful romantic strategy.
Further, by saying you are sure you don't measure up to her standards--do you actually know what her standards are? Have you taken the time to ask her and find out? Or are you assuming that you would not be a "prime" male to her because being a down-trodden cuckold is your fantasy?
Be very careful about confusing your fantasy about a femdom with the flesh and blood woman you hope to serve. She may, in reality, be quite different from the fantasy. Are you prepared for that? What if it turns out she has a fetish for guys with big bellies and long gray hair? Would you lower your opinion of her if you discovered she had a high opinion of you? One just never knows in this life.
Finally, you spring over the edge of no-return when you spell out the kinds of intimacy you might share. (See above regarding "angry husbands.") I personally can't stand it when men details the fantasies they want to live out with me in response to personal ads. When they include them in unsolicited letters, a giant red flag clouds my vision and prevents me from ever seeing them as sincere about me. They're not interested in me, I realize; they are only interested in what I can do for them. Ho hum. (See above regarding "if I wanted to be manipulated...") If they were genuinely interested in me, they'd be asking questions, not delivering an agenda on what they hoped to do with me. It may SOUND like sweet service--but what if none of that turns her on? Are you really offering to serve her as she is, according to her tastes; or are you hoping she will indulge your fantasies of what service should be?
It's a problem in the culture in general. Men see women as the facilitators of their sexual fantasies and desires. Even the ones with submissive fantasies are likely to believe it's a woman's job to satisfy him--or to frustrate him, if it's his fantasy to be frustrated. As a femdom, I'm just not turned on by men who want me to do them the way they want to be done because they want to be done that way. The kind of submissive man who turns me on is someone who is crazy about me because I'm Gloria, not because I've got great toys and know how to do SM.
Find out who this woman really is before you write her. Find out if she's available; try and learn a few things about her. Before you talk about cleaning her house or being her sissy slave, talk about going for a drink or a cup of coffee. Get to know her. Is she really the woman who can share these experiences with you? Or has lust blinded you?
More effective than a mash letter is a simple real-time gesture. Is she involved in charity work? Donate to her favorite charity. Does she like a particular type of music? Gift her with a CD. Does she like flowers? Coming up to her with a bouquet in your hands and a bashful look on your face will say much more, and be much more touching, than this letter you were planning to send.
Remember: a relationship is a relationship, whether it's straight or kinky: it's two real people trying to create a little bit of happiness together, based on who they really are and what they both want and need. Stop projecting your fantasies on her and let the real woman speak for herself.