Inside Gloria's Mind

What makes a man a man deux

I've loved reading the reactions to the question I posed last week (and, hey, debate and controversy are good! I'd love to see more of that on this blog). So feel free to keep posting comments to that thread...or maybe this one will inspire you to say something.

More food for thought: do you think men and women agree on what a "real" man should be? I know it's difficult (or maybe impossible) to speak for all women or all men BUT...do you think one sex is more wedded to the old concept of "real man' than the other?

One of the most common themes I hear from submissive men is that they can't/won't tell their vanilla wife/gf/lover about their fantasies of being controlled and sexually dominated by a woman. Or, in the case of fetishists who may not be looking for domination per se, that they can't admit they crave a scenario in which they are doing things (or being subjected to things) that fly in the face of our cultural perceptions of what a man is supposed to want or be.

The most obvious examples are cross-dressers (real men don't wear dresses), infantilists (men shouldn't be so vulnerable and helpless and needy), but really almost any kind of male submission (men are supposed to be in charge!). Less obvious and more complex are fetishes which, by their nature, put men in a vulnerable or humiliating situation. Enema fetishes probably top that list, at least in terms of guilt and embarrassment (though, in fairness, I note that enema fetishes are further complicated by taboos about shit and the anus).

Other fetishes work more subtly to undermine men's confidence in their masculinity. They are troubled by sexual fantasies about chastity belts (real men want to have sex all the time, right?); about craving anal penetration (they wonder, isn't that gay?); about worshipping a woman's feet or being physically overwhelmed by a woman who is bigger or stronger (aren't men always supposed to be the most muscular, powerful ones?); about being spanked (shouldn't men be the spankers, not the spankees?) and so on and so forth, ad infinitum.

Time and again, I've heard submissive/fetishistic men lament that no grown woman can relate to a man who is subservient or wants to be treated as the more vulnerable, more helpless member of the relationship. "She wants a real man," they'll tell me.

But what the hell is a real man? It seems that for a lot of the sub men I talk to, their idea of a real man is one whose sexual fantasies line up with the stereotype of the always-in-control macho guy. That millions upon millions of men do not, cannot and never will fit the stereotype is of very little comfort to them.

Also -are women of today the same as women of the 50s, who perhaps did see relationships more in the context of the old 'Father Knows Best" or Tarzan/Jane paradigm: man as big daddy or super-macho male who has all the solutions to everything, never cries, always acts rationally or, as in the case of Tarzan, simply doesn't think about silly feminine things (like lingerie) and instead sweeps a woman off her feet to carry her through the jungle, howling triumphantly?

Seems to me that in the post-feminist age, where women want equal pay for equal work, expect marriages and relationships to be egalitarian and not necessarily male-dominated, and have grown accustomed to seeing themselves as socially, politically and even economically competitive with men, more and more women have abandoned their old ideas of the "Father Knows Best" model and have adopted more of a "Father Knows Stuff but Mother Knows at Least as Much if Not More" model. Have they abandoned the old model, though, when it comes to the bedroom?

What makes a man a man?

I'm going to lay off news items for a while. Too much going on in my mind.

If wishes were horses, I'd be saddling my stallion and heading to a log cabin in the sky where I could do nothing but write and dream for a month at a time. For me, writing's the equivalent of going into a sensory deprivation tank. I enter it totally. Everything else is like background music in a noisy restaurant. Now and then I tune in to what's playing, but mostly I'm engrossed in the conversations in my head. When I finally come out, when a book is done, I've changed. Imperceptibly to others, perhaps, but spiritually greatly within myself.

Anyway, what I really wanted to blog today was the simple question: what makes a man a man?

Is it his moral character? His courage? The size of his cock? When you think to yourself, "now, there's a real man!" what do you mean - that he's strong or that he's weak?

I'm going to be devoting a section of my book to male sexuality. I'd love to know what you HONESTLY think. Don't copy dictionary definitions to me. This is all about your subjective point of view.

Speech to Brandeis Women: first half

Okey-dokey.

I posted Part I last week of this speech, but since I wrote it thinking it'd be the foundation of a section on female sexuality in my new book, I've been revising like crazy. My speech notes, though voluminous, were NOT organized to read well on paper. So I've added a bunch of new things, fleshing it from the original speech notes, incorporating bits of research, etc.

Below is the revised Part I which I'm now calling the first half of this section because of all the changes. If it still reads a bit bumpy, it's cuz this is still in draft, and likely several revisions away from final form. Yeah. I'm sharing the rough, first-draft manuscript of my new book with you. (OOOOOOOO. So...edgy!... for a middle-aged woman with a poodle glued to her ass.) Anyway, I'm hoping to get the second half done by the end of the week. That's a hope, not a promise. :)

---

The following is adapted from a speech to the Atlanta regional branch of the Brandeis University National Women's Committee by Dr. Gloria G. Brame on September 8, 2006. All rights reserved. No republication in any form permitted without prior written approval from gloriabramephd@aol.com. (If you aren't clear on fair use laws governing excerpts, contact me.)

Did you ever wonder why all the sex manuals and sex tips in the world still haven't added up to real solutions to basic questions about how women can achieve a satisfying sex life? A million popular magazines may breathlessly advise on how to rekindle the romance in a stale relationship, or how to have the biggest, loudest "O" of their lives, yet their hundreds of millions readers never successfully implement the advice - and not from lack of trying. Women still grapple with seemingly simple issues like how to get aroused, how to overcome inhibitions, how to have orgasms, what kinds of sexual fantasies, desires, and responses are normal for women, and more.

I think it's because the single biggest obstacle to a satisfying sex life for women is not what's going on in the female genitalia but what's happening in the female brain.

One of my all-time favorite sex seminars was presented by The Endocrine Society, featuring the work of three endocrinologists (Basson, Braunstein, Miller: 2005) who specialize in androgen research. The doctors wanted to better understand the physical process of arousal in women so they could contribute data towards discovering new treatment options. In one study, a group of female volunteers were rigged with one of the more obscure of sexological devices known: a vaginal photoplesthymograph. The kissing cousin of the plain old penile plesthymograph (which measures the size of an erection), the vaginal version measures blood flow into the female genitals or "genital congestion," as the endocrinologists like to call it. This is part of the physiological process of female arousal and what makes a woman's external organs become engorged when she's turned on.

Thus indelicately wired up, the volunteers were shown a variety of erotic materials and asked to rate what they were looking at by how aroused the materials made them. The results showed that most of the women who participated had no idea when they were turned on. They often indicated they weren't turned on when the vaginal photoplesthymograph told a very different story.

This caused the endocrinologists no little surprise. Who knew that "not tonight, dear, I'm not in the mood" was secret code for "not tonight, dear, my mind doesn't believe that my vagina is interested." It also compelled them to propose a new model of female sexuality. If the problem was that women didn't know how they feel sexually - instead of the old assumptions we've made that women are somehow less sexual than men - the new model must include psychological and emotional factors as key ingredients of female arousal. Women are simply more likely to respond in positive, sexually responsive ways to erotic imagery that showed something romantic than to sex-for-sex's-sake imagery.

Similarly, it correlates to something else we've known for a long time: women tend not to be as turned on as men by porn. We generally attribute it to women either not being as sexual as men or not as visually oriented as men. But perhaps it's more than that: perhaps it's that porn does not arouse their emotions, and therefore doesn't convince them they are aroused. Whereas romance and tenderness creates the all-vital connection between their genitals and their brains.

This has been borne out by other research. An Australian psychologist's study (Sheen: 2006) asked 120 women to respond to a range of erotic stimuli. They consistently reported being more turned on by romantic situations than sexual acts. Sheen concluded from this that "women are more aroused by romance and foreplay than sex itself." But what if the women who were aroused by the romantic imagery could then have sex with the partner of their choice? Would their sex - and their orgasm - be more intensely pleasurable after the romantic build-up?

We don't have answers to these questions yet. And, while I don't believe anyone can extrapolate universal rules from their individual experience, my own sexual responses are in line with the studies referenced above. Simply put: if it isn't going on in my mind, it won't happen in my body. Romantic love makes me sexually voracious and highly orgasmic. Purely physical acts are never as exciting and not always orgasmic either. If I'm not keenly interested in or otherwise emotionally moved by a man, I have no interest in sleeping with him. If, on the other hand, there is a romantic spark or a sense of rapport, if he can make me laugh or make me think, if there is something about him I can connect with emotionally, not only am I open to having sex with him, but I feel confident the sex we will have will be at least satisfying and possibly truly ecstatic. That's because I know that even if I don't climax with him, it will still be hot, erotic and fun if our emotional connection is powerful enough. I can always climax later, using some toy or technique that's guaranteed to give me an orgasm.

The new model of female sexuality finally acknowledges that the problem is not that women don't get turned on, but that visceral factors must be in place for women to feel convinced they are turned on enough to enjoy sex. The endocrinologists concluded that, among other things, women need to feel they can trust their partner in order to relax enough to be receptive to sex. In fact, receptivity - or willingness - is another key factor in the new model for women. And while receptivity is hardly a new concept to biologists who routinely observe this female willingness as necessary for successful copulation in other species, we're still working on the concept in human sexuality.

Receptivity should not be confused with passivity. The unreceptive female is, in all species, a formidable opponent. Further, in humans, female receptivity is all about being turned on, not just acquiescing. Sure, there are many women who can have sex whenever a partner requests it. But one wonders how many of them are enjoying it.

The endocrinologists' research dovetail perfectly with theories I've developed working with women who complain of inorgasmia, lack of desire, and other function issues. In my clinical experience, without female desire or at least a positive interest, sex will either not occur or will not be satisfying for the woman when it does. The reasons why a woman may not feel receptive to sex are complex. Because a woman's mind plays so significant a role in her sexual function, a myriad problems may intervene that dampen or block or even - in cases of extreme trauma - eliminate the connection between her body and her mind.

Which brings me to another study that has given me much food for thought over the years, though for different reasons. Published in the Journal of the American Medical Association in 1999, this authoritative study surveyed 3000 American adults. Among its many interesting data was the striking result that 40% of women were dysfunctional.

The first thing that bothered me about these data was simply that if 40% of any group does not conform to the standard of normalcy, it's time to wonder if the standard of normalcy itself should be changed. Most traditional studies of female dysfunction have assumed that vaginal intercourse is the act that all normal men and women prefer.

But if 60% of people preferred ice tea and 40% preferred ice coffee, would this mean the coffee drinkers are beverage-dysfunctional? Or tea-dysfunctional? Maybe they're not dysfunctional at all? Maybe they're just coffee drinkers. Hm.

As I see it, the 40% of women who were reported sexually dysfunctional in this study may well have been intercourse-dysfunctional (they didn't want it or couldn't enjoy it)- but that does not necessarily mean they were sexually dysfunctional. To get a full picture of a person's sexuality, you cannot look at her (or his) appetite for just one sexual behavior. Sexuality occurs in a much richer context. At the very least, a researcher must know, for example, if other sex acts turn the woman on or whether she can have orgasms from masturbation. If the answer to those questions is "yes" then in my opinion, you are not dysfunctional. You're just not as turned on by intercourse as doctors believe you should be.

The desire for intercourse in women is a delicate matter. As already stated, women need to feel emotionally safe and receptive to enjoy sex. What if some of that 40% actually did love intercourse - but just not with their partner? Being married to someone who does not turn you on can make anyone sexually dysfunctional.

The above could explain why sex manuals have not been able to solve many typical female sex problems. They tell you how to do things technically but they don't help you to feel more emotionally connected to the things you do. They suggest you try this position or that one for better penetration or add this or that lubricant. They don't advise you to throw out your old expectations that you and your partner will and should and must (to be normal) find intercourse to be the most important sex act in your bedroom. They don't give you the hardest homework of all: the challenge of figuring out what works for you personally.

I talk to women all the time who haven't taken the first crucial step in improving their sexual performance. That step, plainly put, is knowing how to give yourself an orgasm. Or, as a very sweet and very Catholic client of mine likes to refer to it whenever I ask her if she's gathered up the nerve yet to open the box containing the vibrator I'd urged her buy: knowing how to "do the M thing." Masturbation is how we learn what feels good sexually. For most people, it's a natural impulse that comes in in childhood or puberty. I believe its biological function is to help us learn what turns us on and to prepare us for orgasmic sex as adults so that we will want to have sex and therefore improve our chances for reproducing.

A few years ago, I was working with a 50-something woman who was very unhappy with her sex life. She'd been married literally since girlhood to a man who had never satisfied her in bed. For himself, he was very demanding, expected frequent contact and made sure he climaxed. But he'd never once made her climax. She was deeply hurt by what she viewed as his cold, indifferent sexual attitude. She felt unloved and unappreciated. Sex was all about him. Making love with him only reminded her that she was missing out on something other women got from their men. She didn't want to sleep with him anymore. After over 30 years, she was at her wits end and thinking of leaving the marriage.

In the course of taking her sexual history, I asked her what age she had started masturbating. Ttere was a long pause. Then she blurted out that she had never in her life masturbated. She was raised in a different time; women didn't do that. The thought of it made her queasy. Touching all those icky bits..ugh. This was particularly interesting to me since she was a Registered Nurse, someone who was in the business of working with sick bodies and their sometimes ghastly messes, significantly more unpleasant things than the vulva's soft folds. To me, it suggests that sexual inhibitions, like sexual diversity, go deeper than consciousness. She could patiently wipe people's bottoms, shave their genitals, and catheterize them - but touching herself for pleasure had been strictly off limits her entire life.

So it wasn't just that she didn't have orgasms with her husband. She'd never had an orgasm in her life. She'd been waiting all those years for her husband to figure out what would work. And perhaps he was a cold and selfish guy (other circumstances in their relationship indicated that he was). Still, in his defense, and really the defense of all men whose women have expected them to hold the magic key to their sexual pleasure, here's the reality: if you don't know how to give yourself an orgasm don't expect anyone else to know how to do it either.

Copyright 2006 Dr. Gloria G. Brame,. All rights reserved. No republication in any form permitted without prior written approval from gloriabramephd@aol.com. (If you aren't clear on fair use laws governing excerpts, contact me.)

Stay tuned. The next half goes into detail about sexual dyfunctions and the physiological and psychological issues that cause them.

Sleeping with dogs

For some reason, working on the book has made me fiddle with poetry too. A small series about animal love. Here's one that's semi-finished (or maybe finished, I don't know).

Sleeping with dogs

My crazy pack, my ruckus of breeds,
of moods, of needs. Warm, alive,
they breathe a blanket of sleep on me,
know languages I can't speak, perceive.

Muzzle to knee they cradle me back
to primitive fire, cosmic heat.
They run on me when they dream,
butterfly kicking my yoni and me.

We sleep together in garden fields.
We share a love of land, not seas.
No thirsts for dramas far from home -
just for tending paths we know.

They teach even in sleep, the beasts.
Snoring and crying, strangely deep,
wiser than me, more forgiving, at peace,
despairing only of the primate in me.

Three mice and no tale

Have you ever felt like, well, maybe you've taken on just a bit too much?

I'd write more but...I can't!!!! AGH. I'm being eaten alive by my book.....!

But perhaps will finally get to edit the rest of my Brandeis speech and post it today since I got so much positive feedback in email (thank you thank you thank you, I LUVS you too)....

I mean, I hate to keep people waiting....and waiting...checking the clockwondering when I'll appear....wiping their palms on their pants....grinning nervously.....squirming writhing in anticipation....feeling a certain throb in their....hmmm.....wait a minute.

What am I saying?

I LOVE TO KEEP PEOPLE WAITING!

Hairy foot fetishist alert!

Producers of a musical version of "The Lord of the Rings" are looking... male and female actors and singers aged between 16-35 who must be under five feet seven inches. Hairy toes and feet are a distinct advantage....

It's not often you hear someone say that.

Weekend mood: ay ay eye

Claudio Paulo Pinto....can pop his eyeballs at least 7 millimeters (0.3 inches) out of their sockets...

...hmm....reminds me of the way I felt earlier, after staring at my monitor for 10 hours. See, I'm working on a book. It's all-consuming. My plan to post the rest of my Brandeis speech has been postponed day to day as I delve into new research. I can get lost in research. But I can't because I have to write. I always get lost in writing. And that's why I haven't been blogging the last few days.

Be back soon. Reality is about to intervene...any...day....now....

How to bag a MILF

I don't know...there's just something so wrong about this entire concept.....

If you're dating a woman who’s older than you -- or are open to the experience -- you need to learn the rules of this kind of romance. To help you along, here's advice on how to impress a woman of a certain age...

My personal fave was the advice that that you have to TALK to older women. Not just talk talk: you have to have something to say. Wouldn't that make the average immature male suitor's bones turn to jelly?

Mazel Tov, the Gaybis are coming

In case anyone doubted it, spirituality in America is definitely in transition, as an official place is *finally* being made for gay and lesbian clergy.

Conservative Judaism likely to lift ban on gay rabbis

A key Conservative Jewish leader is organizing talks nationwide to tell synagogues that the movement is likely to roll back its ban on ordaining openly gay rabbis by year's end.....

And on the Protestant front...

Course examines taboo topic: Gays leading church

With the Presbyterian church re-examining its ban on the ordination of actively gay men and women, a five-week course on homosexuality and the Bible at a Danville congregation is drawing overflowing crowds....

The issue has triggered deep divides in mainstream Christian denominations, including Methodist, Lutheran and Episcopalian faiths.

"The Bible, the Church, and Homosexuality: What's the Big Deal?" offers an overview of biblical texts and alternative interpretations, Hestenes said, along with points of dispute....

Come fly with me

Well, they got some of the info wrong (Sperry did not found the mile high club: he was jokingly named the founder for his roguish antics on high), and they relocated me back to Atlanta (pssst, I'm in Athens), but at least they sent me a link (which is more than most reporters do).... :)

ABC News: Sex on a Plane: Only $299.

....joining the mile high club refers to having intercourse more than a mile off the ground, says Gloria G. Brame.....

Cruel and unusual dog-dressing

yes, you too can put your dog in a humiliating little pink dress.

Not to get too clinical about it - but shouldn't a doggie dress have 8 bra cups, not just 2?

Dissecting virgins

Interesting in-depth article on women who are remain virgins well into adulthood, with glimpses into some of the social problems and self-image issues they deal with.

.... there are a surprising number of women -- smart, savvy and attractive women -- who still haven't lost their virginity into their 20s or 30s. According to a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report, 7 percent of unmarried women between ages 25 and 29 have never had sex; neither have 5 percent between 30 and 34 and 4.3 percent between 35 and 39....

I'm surprised that the Salon reporter was surprised by this statistic. It seems conservative to me. There are SO many different reasons why a woman might not have sex until later in life. They cite a study which concluded that the chief reason women remains virgin are a combination of "shyness, body-image issues and getting a late start."

Perhaps my view is skewed by clinical drift, but by far the most common reasons I've observed for why people wait are either (1) deep inhibitions about sex (often religious in nature) and 2) a physical or emotional trauma that has made intimacy difficult if not impossible.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh-klahoma

The police chief, the mayor and a councilman from this small, southwestern Oklahoma town resigned Friday...., saying they were fed up with the public attention and criticism they received after the chief's wife appeared in various nude poses on a Web site and the photos began circulating around town...

Too funny. Or tragic, depending on your POV. Myself, I'm going with funny. Especially the chief's comment about his wife (who, btw, was recently released from jail....).

"My wife is 6-foot-3 and weighs 300 pounds," he said. "If there is somebody that thinks they can control her, have at it. I have tried for 11 years and haven't been able to."

Brainy women redux

A bunch of you have written to ask about the speech I gave to the Brandeis Women's group last Friday. I'm planning to put something up here to fill you in - in fact, I'm thinking of adapting my speech notes and posting them here. I'll do it as soon as I can, hopefully sometime tomorrow.

Five years ago today

...Will and I had flown home from New York the day before, taking off from Newark after a visit with my family. My mother had tried to convince us to stay another day and postpone our flight until the 11th, but we had stuff to do at home, and took off as scheduled on the 10th so we could catch up on work.

On the morning of the 11th, we were sleeping in when the phone rang. I was so tired, I answered the phone half-mumbling. It was our girl, Jen, saying "We've been attacked by terrorists. The World Trade Center was hit. It's gone." For a minute, I thought I was dreaming this. I hung up and ran back to the bedroom, waking Will up with the news. We immediately turned on the TV and tuned to CNN. And there it all was. Not a dream but the worst nightmare come true.

Where were you on September 11, 2001?

Magical video: where did it go?

Naked Illusions.

(thanks, mike!)

Foot hat fetish

Just what look were they going for? Scarecrow meets muppet?

a creation by Japanese designer Kazuo Takashima

Well, at least we know what to do with the single shoes in the bargain bin....

Greenpeace's global pussy watch

Hmmmm....

Sex toys contain dangerous chemicals says Greenpeace

Environmental group Greenpeace called on the European Union to ban the use of chemical plastic softeners in sex toys because they contained dangerous substances known as phthalates.

"Adult sex toys contain the same toxic substances that the European Union banned from use in children's toys," Greenpeace said in a press release from its international headquarters here.
The environmental group said it was shocked to find that seven of the eight sex toys it had tested contained between 24 and 51 percent of phthalates....

Gone fishin' -- with brainy women

I'll be off-line for most the day Friday. Heading into Atlanta, where I'll be speaking to members of the regional Brandeis University National Women's Committee over lunch at a Buckhead restaurant. The topic: Empowering Femininity. I'll be talking about some of the subjects I'm working on now for my new book, including the importance of developing new models of sexual behavior for adults. Hopefully I will give them food for thought about the meaning of sex in their lives. Jen's coming with me, so she'll give me an honest critique. Possibly a TOO honest critique. :) We'll see.

Quite a departure from this quiet, humble country life. This event will require high heels! And an alumni group is an all-new kind of audience! I'm intrigued but I wonder what they'll make of me.

Oink oink boink

From New South Wales, where apparently sex piggery is a matter concern to some local activists and some merriment to this reporter:

One of the priority groups for NSW HIV and STI prevention efforts with gay men over the next 12 months will be sex pigs. Research data point to specific risk for guys who fit that description. So, what is a sex pig? And how do you know if you are one (if you haven’t already worked it out already)?

Two testaments might help here. The first is the life-affirming praise for the delights of the gay male arse-munch offered by Sauna Sessions maestro, Seymour Butz....The second comes from American lobbyists, Concerned Women For America (sounding suspiciously like a South Park episode)....

It might well have been called a “Disease Fest,” but a homosexual “pig sex” orgy went forward, apparently without interruption, on May 24 in a warehouse in Chicago.

The event was timed to coincide with the annual sadomasochistic “International Mr. Leather” celebration, which reportedly drew up to 2,000 “leathermen” to the Hyatt Regency Chicago hotel May 23-27.....

The “pig” event was...devoted to homosexual men who practice sodomy, and the most extreme and perverse acts of the sadistic “leather” subculture – including “fisting”.

… and more arse-munching than pro-family activists dreamed possible, no doubt.

If your reaction to that is something like, “Woo-hoo! Book the air tickets!”, you’re almost certainly a sex pig....

Your daily Rorschach test

Can you caption this?

What poem tells your story?

Have you ever read a poem or a passage in a book that made you feel like the author had just looked into your soul? Has someone written things about his life that you wished you could say about your own? Something that inspired your choices in life?

This short poem by C.P. Cavafy has done all that and more for me over the years.

I Went

I didn’t hold myself back. I gave in completely and went,
went to those delectations that were half real,
half wrought by my own mind,
went into the brilliant night
and drank strong wine,
the way the champions of pleasure drink.

Fuckin' redheads

A Study by Hamburg Sex Research Professor Dr. Werner Habermehl claimed that women with red hair have more sex than other women....

Paint me skeptical and call me the Tiresius of hair-color. I'm a natural brunette and have been most of my life. But for about a decade, from my early 20s into my early 30s, I dyed my hair red. Not flaming, but enough so that everyone thought of me as a redhead.

It made no discernable difference in my sex-life. None. Zipperino.

Maybe it only counts if the carpeting matches the drapes?

18K Orgasm

How much should a woman love her own pussy?

Enough to spend $1400 on a vibrator with 18K gold plating?

eBay: Lelo Yva Personal Massager, Fiery Gold

Big brag from our house

How cool is this? Our housemate Jennifer is now the garden blogger for the Atlanta-Journal Constitution! She's off to a rocking start with her very first entry today! Rock on, super-girl! You make us proud.

Spading Spaces: Weeding out the truth about me & my garden

I know what I did this summer: Vanity thy name is Google

By special request! (thanks, night)...more pointless trivia from my not-really-a-vacation-vacation!

Seeing as I had to do something with my hands while listening to all that music last month, I spent a couple of hours one night googling my name to see what I've been doing in other people's minds. It isn't always pretty but I'm dom enough to deal with it.

It wasn't too surprising to find myself named as a Jewish pervert-hero on the wysiwyg MySpace site
www.myspace.com/kinkyjews. It does however beg the existential question: is it better to be a known Jewish pervert or an unknown Jewish pervert?

They also list Kinky Friedman. I guess if my mother asked, I could always claim me and Mr. Friedman are on that site together because we both love hot sauce. Yeah. We just use it in different places.

(What? All I meant is that I use mine in Georgia and he uses his in Texas.)

Being listed on NNDB - a so-called intelligence aggregator that robot-gobbles info on just about everyone on the Internet - was interesting. Particularly when I saw that they list my health risk factors as "smoking" and " marijuana." Where did they get this information? Did one of their robots smoke a doobie with me at a peace rally in the 70s? I wrote a letter to the webmaster asking how got that so-called intelligence. No reply. And, oh - what is marijuana a risk factor for, anyway? Giggling more than other people?

As a rule, I neither correct nor corroborate rumors. Though I was thinking of changing the title of this blog to Ongo-Bongo.

More surprising - and frankly, a little fucking disconcerting - was the apparently recent addition of yours truly to the Dead Rotten Pool, a site where game-loving web-surfing necrophiles gamble on who's going to die this year. With every breath I will now take, until my very last, in the back of my mind will be the stinging consciousness that someone, somewhere, is grumbling, "Damn that Brame bitch, I need her to die to make my win!"

More scary things to do to dogs

5 er 7 Disturbing Dog Technologies

(thanks Mike - I always knew you were disturbed had an eye for the bizarre!)

Crash test doggie

Ok. I confess that I too am one of those love-crazed pet owners who credit their dogs with near-human intelligence....but this is taking it just a tad tooooo far.

A woman in Hohhot, the capital of north China's Inner Mongolia region, crashed her car while giving her dog a driving lesson, the official Xinhua News Agency....

(pssssssssssst, the next time your dog jumps in your lap when you're driving - it really isn't the steering wheel he's after: it's your nose)

What else is in your brain?

I love reading the myriad new studies which suggest that all sorts of behaviors and, as in this case, compulsions or tendancies towards addictive behaviors, are "pre-programmed" into our brains. Gives one all kinds of things to chew on in terms of pondering the mysteries of sexuality.

Researchers may have hit the jackpot by identifying the key area of the brain involved in gambling behaviors.

Using brain imaging, a new study has pinpointed specific areas of the brain that light up when people gamble or gauge risk vs. reward.

Researchers say the finding could help in the development of more effective treatments for problem gamblers, as well as other forms of addiction and mental disorders....

Has the UK outlawed SM online?

The implications of this new UK legislation are of concern to kinky people everywhere. At first glance one might think, oh, well, of course, they want to shut down crazy-ass sociopaths who make snuff movies or torture non-consenting partners. But "violent and extreme" could include depictions of BDSM sex fantasies. That bit about "appears to be" is especially troubling. Also troubling: they're not aiming this law at the people who make the porn - but at those who VIEW the porn. Does this mean that if I ran an image that some legal entity in the UK believed to be "extreme," any UK surfers to this site would now be vulnerable to legal harrassment (if not arrest)?

Victory for victim's mum in crackdown on web sex violence

....Viewing vile images of rape and sexual torture will become a criminal offence for the first time, it was confirmed today.

Possession of so-called "violent and extreme pornography" will carry up to three years imprisonment.....

It would cover, for example, violence that is - or appears to be - life-threatening or is likely to result in "serious and disabling injury"....

One so-called BDSM group - representing people who engage in bondage, domination and sado-masochism - wrote: "The theory that people should be punished for viewing an image that simply involves the idea of sexuality with violence... shows the proposal being made is to introduce a form of 'thought crime'."

The new offence will apply to England and Wales. Plans are being made to extend it to Northern Ireland and the Scottish Executive will announce its plans separately....

Who will be judging whether someone's treasured photoset of a hot bondage session or a whipping demo "appears to be" violence?

Couple of years back, I was hired by a big sex/dating site to help them understand which explicit images their members uploaded looked like safe activities and which stuff looked unsafe. It was both alarming and bemusing to realize that they seriously questioned some of the mildest stuff (like someone wearing a collar and leash) while some truly dangerous things (like inserting glass bottles or furniture legs into vaginas and rectums) didn't worry them. Another day, another insertion, I guess.

How do you explain to people who don't viscerally get it that consensual power dynamics are not abusive? How to explain they can be soothing. Therapeutic. Clarifying. Stress-busting. Centering. And most of all really really fun. Visible representations of power dynamics just seem to freak some people out.

Are the people who passed these laws, and who will prosecute them, truly fit to distinguish between consensual SM pleasure and violent abuse? Seems to me that BDSMers in the UK now have to think twice (or ten times) before uploading images of themselves having fun. And what will the UK do about the stuff we Yanks run? Block us?