Part 1: I Didn't Know Jack
In 1970, the summer I turned fifteen, I had an affair with a thirty-four year old man. His name was Jack and he said he was an out-of-work actor. I used to pass Jack's house on my way home from the subway station. I spent a lot of time on the subway in my youth, putting as much distance as I could between myself and my parents every chance I could. Being a solitary spirit, with neglectful parents, those chances abounded, and I spent long hours alone every day I wasn't in school, roving the streets of Brooklyn and Manhattan in search of adventure.
Jack rented a basement flat in a corner house with a backyard that faced onto the street. He often sat outside, reading and and looking like a page out of GQ for Hippies: tall and slim, a mane of silky blond hair that gleamed in the sun, great jeans, great skin, great smile, and cornflower blue eyes that twinkled. He was all long legs and lean edges, and spent a lot of time in bare feet. At first, we smiled, then waved, and within weeks, I was stopping at his place and hanging out in the sun with him. Then he began inviting me into his tiny studio apartment. Neat and tidy, it was nearly half filled with a huge water bed, which did double duty as conversation seating.
I was thrilled to be dating an adult. I'd never been terribly interested in boys my own age, always getting crushes on boys 5 and 6 years older than me. By 15, I'd already had a string of short-lived affairs, a written list of ex-boyfriends, and genuine hands-on experience that made me the go-to-girl for all my girlfriends' sex questions and confessions. I'd had: intercourse (once) and oral sex (numerous times), and all manner of necking and groping with boys whose names and faces have long since vanished from memory.
But Jack was a grown-up, a free spirit with his own apartment. 1970 was the post-Woodstock height of hippie consciousness, when being unemployed was not a failure but a sign of independence and, to us hippie types, almost a badge of honor. Unlike the grey businessmen and factory workers who trudged home from work at night, Jack always looked relaxed, happy, and tan. He was spontaneous and playful and very affectionate too.
We never had intercourse and I'm not even sure we had oral sex. Mostly we made out and fondled. More than anything, he wanted to talk. He thought I was intelligent and special, solicited my thoughts and opinions on everything, and gave me a kind of warm parental attention I wasn't getting at home..
I can't remember what we talked about but I do remember that it was better when he didn't talk. He said things that didn't make complete sense and told stories that didn't quite add up. The way he treated me confused me most of all. I was more than prepared to be a friend-with-benefits but he talked about our future together. I knew better than to introduce him to any of my friends but he wanted me to meet his. As young as I was, I had no illusions that there was something very odd about a 34 year old and a 14 year old being together. I just always liked odd and weird and strange, and didn't fear it the way other girls do at that age. Plus he was a total babe. With his own apartment and that most treasured of hippie symbols, a VW van. That's all it took to impress me at that age.
He once drove me into Manhattan on an official date, to eat vegetarian food at Brownie's. It was all firsts for me: the first time I went with a man to a Manhattan restaurant, the first time a man paid for my meal, the first time I was alone in a vehicle with a man I was not related to, the first time I had a vegetarian meal. That first truly-adult-style date was a heady thrilling experience. Throughout, he treated me exactly as if I was a grown woman. He even introduced me to some waiters he knew as his girlfriend. They seemed shocked but he didn't seem to notice. I, however, did. And that was the rub. When he would speak of a future together, or say passionate things, I would challenge him or giggle in incredulity. I was never the kind of girl who dreamed of marriage or wanted to plan my future. I could never imagine being faithful to one man. As a hippie chick, I was free with my body, but really never with my emotions. Neither did I believe that a relationship between a 14 year old and a 34 year old could go anywhere other than where it had already been.
Jack was surprised and bemused by my self-containment. It enchanted him all the more, though I sensed it also made him anxious. We were floating on his water bed once when he told me "You're the most cynical woman I know." I remember feeling shocked: not because he thought I was cynical but because he thought I was a woman. I knew better than that. From my adolescent POV, you had to be at least 17 to be a woman.
Though he made me uneasy at moments, he was attentive and caring and sweet, and praised me lavishly. He was unpretentious and very easy-going. He gave me small but always thoughtful gifts, sometimes a book, once a really cool Native American armband. I was the more sexually aggressive one. He would likely have been content to talk and cuddle.
Still, I couldn't get rid of that nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right. The turning point occurred during a meal he prepared for me. He had invited me numerous times to come for dinner. As a bachelor, he said, he wanted an excuse to cook a nice meal. I reluctantly agreed. By then, I was pulling back. He was too intense and, frankly, too immature for me. Still, I hoped to remain friends because he was one of the nicest people I knew.
I can't recall what else he served but he brought out a very delicious-looking baked squash, insisting I take the first taste bite. I obliged and immediately felt ill. I can't describe the taste but it was so horrible, I felt poisoned. A pounding, unbearably painful migraine struck me. It was all I could do to hastily apologize and drag myself out of there, hurrying home in an agony, and straight to bed where I stayed for three days until the pain finally lifted.
Since I was prone to migraines throughout childhood and adolescence, and similarly had lifelong food sensitivities, I chalked it up to an ill-timed and desperately embarrassing allergic reaction. I was guilty and embarrassed for ruining his evening and insulting his hospitality. He came to visit me at some point while I was bed-ridden, and I apologized, but after that, I avoided his house and him. Within a few months, he moved, and I never saw him again.
About twelve years later, I was shopping with my boyfriend-du-jour at a grocery store a couple of miles from where I'd lived with my parents. As I examined cereal boxes, I spotted a really strange-looking man coming down the aisle towards me. Yes, of course, it was Jack. Only it wasn't Jack: not the Jack I'd known. He was still tall and lean and blonde, but he had done something ghastly to his hair. No longer silky straight, it had been permed and dyed and looked more like a fright wig than human hair. His face had aged and was no longer tan, but pasty and pale. He was muttering to himself and his eyes were vacant. He looked haunted. Paranoid. His gait was stiff. He looked, I realized, insane. I considered running to another aisle but curiosity kept me in place, wondering what he'd say when he got close enough to recognize me. He walked past me blindly, twitching and talking to himself. If he even noticed me, he didn't recognize me. Though I'd grown up, I hadn't changed nearly as much as Jack had.
In retrospect, all these years later, I guess the narrative there is pretty clear: child predator loses mind. A million tiny pieces fall into place. The place he rented was a block from an elementary school and directly across from the neighborhood playground. His chair was adroitly positioned to view the hordes of children who passed daily. He was the archetypal loner, a handsome drifter, probably from another state, who had drifted into Brooklyn, previous addresses unknown and unmentioned, no visible family relations, no steady job. I knew he saw himself as far younger than his age. I also knew he'd formed a close paternal relationship with his landlord's two very young daughters. He often played catch with them in the evenings before their father got home from work. Those girls and I seemed to be the only friends he had. And, in retrospect, I guess that all his romantic and inappropriate talk were not just him feeding me lines, as I thought at the time. More likely, he thought he'd found the child bride of his dreams in the half-woman, half-child I was at fourteen.
And, who knows. Maybe it wasn't an allergic reaction to squash after all. Although I avoided them for a few years after that, I've never met a squash I hated since. Maybe Jack had tried to poison me when he saw that he was losing me. The man I saw in the supermarket seemed capable of doing something that insane.
Coming next: Part 2: Alien Pods
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