Damn those pesky national elections. This story was published a month ago and it wasn't until I heard my husband chortling a little while ago that I found out about it. Oh HOW could I have missed the story about the English clergyman who "accidentally" took a potato up the ass? Here's the clip:
A vicar attended hospital with a potato stuck up his bottom - and claimed it got there after he fell on to the vegetable while naked.
The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table.
He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.
The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable, one of a range of odd items medics in Sheffield have had to remove from people's backsides or genitals.
Others include a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll – and a carnation.
At first read, it sounds like the stuff of urban legends. But being a wise old therapist, fact is, I've heard dozens of stories -- from doctors and dominatrices, by the way -- of people who came up with ridiculous stories in emergency rooms to try and cover up their playful solo sexual shenanigans at home.
When it comes to strange-objects-up-the-rectum, most patients will lie about how they got there, and the number one excuse is that, through a series of bizarre coincidences, their naked ass somehow dropped on top of the object-in-question.
One of my favorites (until the vicar, that is) was of a fellow who pretended he'd sat down naked on a chair and accidentally got a sausage up his behind. I've always wondered how the sausage managed to perch itself in an upright position so it could anally rape him.
In any case, cheers to the vicar for exploring anal play. Next time, use more lube.