As most people know, I'm heterosexual. I'm a poly, queer, sadomasochist, dominatrix pervert het, but I am het. How do I know? Well... I like the penis. There. I said it. I like the penis. I can't help it. I just like it. I like the stuff it does and even when it just sort of lies there like an overcooked brussels sprout, I still like it. It's so cute. That perky head popping up. Hello, little man!
But when you think about it, isn't it obvious by now that many of the world's greatest ills are caused by heterosexuals? Instead of beating the same dead horse and trying to "cure" gay people or make bisexuals choose one side of the fence and all the other moral contortions this culture attempts to impose....what if we just banned heterosexuality? Maybe not a permanent ban, but at least a moratorium. The moment I thought of it, a list of immediate benefits flowed from my skull.
Eight Compelling Reasons to Ban Heterosexuality
1. An end to overpopulation. How's about we stop all those irresponsible hets from breeding endless streams of children they can't care for, leaving it to the rest of us to pick up the tab? Lower population growth for the planet and a lower tax bill for the rest of us. Wow! Awesome!
2. An end to unwanted pregnancy. At long last, the lifers and the choicers could live in harmony: no heterosexual fucking = no "accidental" pregnancies = no dreadful decisions about whether or not to abort = NO PROBLEM! It IS the dawning of the age of Aquarius!
3. An end to teenage promiscuity. Sure, there are some sexually active gays and lesbians out there but without doubt it's the hets steaming up the place with their crazed hetero hormones. Wouldn't you, as a parent, sleep better at night if you didn't have to worry that "sleep-over" was teen-age code for orgy?
4. A precipitous drop in the spread of STDs. Need I say more? Heterosexuals are contaminating each other like there's no tomorrow. And we get to foot a part of the bill for their disregard for or ignorance about safe sex.
5. A precipitous drop in sex crimes. Misconceptions to the contrary, the person most likely to be a sex criminal is a heterosexual. Rapists, violent sadists, and molesters are overwhelmingly heterosexual.
6. A precipitous decline in intergenerational incest. Children are at most risk of abuse from heterosexual parents, grandparents, and other older het relatives. Same-sex molestation is known but far rarer, and when it occurs, most likely to occur among siblings.
7. The near-elimination of adultery. And, hey, if we keep preventing gays and lesbians from getting married, we could totally wipe out adultery. KEWL!
8. Less violence in general. When was the last time you saw two men fight it out over the same man? OK, maybe it was last week at a gay bar but you know what I'm saying. Of all the stupid shit that hets do, fighting and killing either their opposite-sex partners and/or fighting and killing competitors for their o-s partners has to be the stupidest. And let us not forget all those people showing up on Forensic Files inter alia who thought murder was a better solution than divorce. You dumb hets, when will you ever learn? Never? Then this ban is for you!
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