DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I broke my penis having sex. I zigged when I should have zagged, and there was a bend and a popping noise and big pain. I had surgery and got it fixed. The problem is my wife thinks this story is highly entertaining and has blabbed to close friends and family. I was able to put up with that. But when we had my new boss over for a dinner party recently, my wife was nervous and drank too much wine. I was in the kitchen when I heard her screeching and laughing as she told the penis rupture story. I told her off and cut her off the booze. She told me I was "no fun and acting like a big suck." I came back in, tried to pass it off. Nobody was laughing very hard. I think they felt sorry for me. My wife and I have not had sex since, and that was two weeks ago. We have not discussed the incident except for me to say after the guests left, she must be "losing her tiny little mind." That didn't go over well. Now what? -- Broken Marriage? River Heights
Dear Broken: This is a fight, not a marriage-wrecker. Couples say and do dumb and hurtful things like this on occasion, and a few storms of this magnitude should be expected. With both of you clinging to your own sides of the bed, a new problem has developed. So now it's high time you tackled the real rupture -- the emotional one. You need to talk about it while the kids (if you have any) are sent to a neighbour or grandma's house. If you start by describing how you felt, instead of what a jerk she was, the conversation will go better. Tell her you felt "betrayed and mocked and gossiped about, in front of people who you wanted to impress." Then apologize for your lesser crime -- the pea-brain insult -- and say you were just mad and didn't mean it. She will then apologize for the greater sin of telling the penis story. Then you can have a few tears, kiss, and possibly have makeup sex, which, as you know, is great stuff. If you can't talk it out, see a counsellor but be clear it's not with a view to breaking up -- just to help get the words out, and have this problem solved.
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