A husband's love of the crop

Dear Gloria:

I have a question.

I recently introduced my wife to spanking. It came as a surprise during a lovemaking session and the erotic talk brought her to her knees exposing her beautiful bottom. I took it a bit further over time with a belt and eventually introduced a riding crop. This is not for punishment, but for erotic play. The spanking gets us both off and she does enjoy my hand on her bottom and she willingly submits to this. The riding crop derives a lot more pleasure, mostly for me. It’s very powerful. But I still use it lovingly.

On the other hand that riding crop scares her and she says she feels dirty and doesn’t like it afterwards. I love my wife and love spanking her delicious bottom and really enjoy the pleasure that the riding crop derives. Advise on how to keep the crop?

Crop Lover

Dear Crop Lover,

Since she's receptive to, and happy with spankings, the first question to resolve is exactly what bothers her about the crop. Is it that a piece of equipment feels artificial, while a bare hand feels more natural? Is she afraid of the way it will feel or the way you use it on her? Or is it something deeper - like being hit with a crop as a child or giving it some negative symbolic meaning (of bruality, for example)?

It's a little harder when someone has an intrinsic hatred or deep-seated fear of something - it's like forcing someone to eat a flavor of ice cream they can't stand. They may do it a few times to indulge you but sooner or later, they'll be screaming for vanilla.

However if the real problem is an inhibition or fear of the unknown, there is a lot you can do to help her overcome it. I think the first and best approach is to ask her if she will trust you enough to allow you to teach her how to love the crop. You introduced her to spanking successfully, and now it's a fun part of your repertoire. Perhaps she will let you show her that a crop can be just as much fun.

If she consents, I'd suggest you spend at least one "session" using it in ways you've never used it before - sensually. Run its tip over her naked body. Use it to lightly poke and prod her in places that make her wet - or which make her giggle. Give it a playful name. Use it ritualistically: bring it to her lips and ask her to kiss it. Tell her to think of it as an extension of you, and thus an extension of your sexual dominance over her. You can also, of course, use it in more overtly sexual ways as well. But do this one baby-step at a time, ensuring she is comfortable each step of the way.

The first time you use it on her buttocks, run it over them, lightly, warming her up, and strike very lightly at first. Make it as romantic as you can: if you enjoy teasing, feed her a chocolate or a strawberry every time she accepts a stroke. Of course, a kiss or a word of reassurance ("what a good girl" etc.) are what most people especially long for in such situations.

The idea here is to help her to make friends with the crop. From there, she can learn to eroticize it. For you, it's been a natural process to appreciate its mystery and intensity; for her, it'll be an acquired taste. Going back to the ice cream analogy - if it's something that, by nature, makes her gag, she may never be able to handle it. But if it's something she's never given a chance before - whether out of fear or inhibition - it's more than possible she could develop an appetite for it.

A final word: fear changes our brain chemistry. It is possible that since she is comfortable with hand-spankings, she may not "feel" the pain the way she does from a crop - even if you use the crop as gently as you can. So do try and reassure and relax her as much as possible. The more relaxed she is, the more receptive her body will become, and what may currently feel like pain could, indeed, transform to a pleasure comparable to what she gets from hand-spankings.


October 17, 2005 in Ask Gloria About Sex | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBack

My woman dreams of other men

Dear Gloria:

I am a senior Microbiology major at a big university. I read some of the comments you made in Men's Health Magazine that stated, "Women tend to fantasize about their partners performing acts that they don't do...."?

I have question for you. My girlfriend and I are sexually active and we are very open with
each other and have been dating for the past for 4 years. Well, one day she tells me that she had a dream about sleeping with a another man in a dream.

She told me that while she was in the dream, she told the guy "I can't do this to my boyfriend!" (who is me) but then she was seduced in the dream and had sex with him. I asked her if she recognized the person she was sleeping with, and she said that she couldn't see his face.

Gloria, do you know what is means? Or what it could probably be? Thank you for hearing me out.

By Dreams Betrayed?

Dear Dreams:

Please don't worry that this dream is a prediction of the future, or a sign that your girlfriend is unhappy in your relationship.

Dreams generally consist of bits and pieces of our conscious memory - things we saw or heard about - mixed with subconscious hopes and fears. Of the many possible explanations for your girlfriend's dream the most likely is that she may be feeling insecure or fearful that something (or someone) will break up your happy relationship. The fact that she couldn't see his face suggests that "he" is not so much a specific person but just a personification of her own worries.

Here are some analogies: the most punctual people are the most likely to have the worst nightmares about arriving places late; the biggest workaholics dream about failing to meet deadlines. Why? Because they worry about those things and those fears prey on their minds even when they sleep. In reality, though, these are the people who are most likely to be on time and to make their deadlines.

Other dream-influences range from things we saw on tv or on the Internet (something as simple as reading a story about such a situation could cause the unconscious mind to pick up the thread and run with it in our dreams) to things people say to us in the course of the day.

Is it possible that the dream could represent a secret (possibly even to her) desire to be with someone else? Anything is possible. One way to find out is to ask how she felt during and after the dream. Was she anxious, unhappy, stressed out about it? If so, you can be certain it was an anxiety dream. If she felt strangely relaxed, or happy or titillated by it, then the dream may have been expressing an unspoken desire to explore sex with someone else. Even so, this does NOT mean she's ready to cheat on you. What it does mean is that you need to sit down and have a long talk about where you are in your relationship, both romantically and sexually.

Finally, on a very personal note: I once had a dream about dolphins taking over the planet. Please note: dolphins have not taken over the planet. I probably just watched a little too much Animal Planet that day. :-)

best,

Gloria


Read more advice from Gloria in Men's Health


October 10, 2005 in Ask Gloria About Sex | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack

I changed for her and she still dumped me

Dear Dr. Brame,

I need to ask about break ups.

I met a woman around 6 months ago. After 5 months of hanging out we went for it. We both are really inexperienced but we really like each other and decided to give it a try. It went really great. I was really in love with this girl , and I actually thought to myself that she could be the one. Our characteristics are kind of opposite. She loves parties, and likes to dance a lot. I am more of a passive, quiet guy, and I don't dance.

Since she likes to dance, I decided to take dancing lessons for her. I didn't tell her anything about the classes, but I would really love to be able to dance with her. After a few weeks I got some basic skills and she was quite impressed when I asked her to the dance floor at a party. I was happy. It was going great after that, and I loved her even more. (Btw, I'm 22, she is 19)

Sometimes, I brought her flowers, or surprised her with some gifts. This was the first girl I ever really opened my heart to. Even after 6 months of knowing her, whenever I stand near her, or even talk on the phone with her, I get heavy butterfly attacks in my stomach, sometimes even my sentences didn't make any sense. I was really faithful to her, (I'm old school and believe in being faithful and true to each other ) I didn't even look at other women on the street, bar, beach, not even when I was alone or out with male friends.

Then yesterday, she suddenly tells me that she wants to break up with me. I felt my heart being cut in tiny pieces and then burned. She tells me that we are too opposite and that she doesn't think it will work out. I know that I'm very quiet, and not such a party lover, but I was making an effort to be a party animal, like the man she wanted me to be. Anyway she practically tells me that I'm too boring for her. I told her that I could try even harder but she just refused.

I want her back, I really want to feel her hugs and kisses again. Please tell me how can I be a cooler dude? What do woman see on a man that makes her thinks that he is impressive and charming?

Signed,
Quietly Hugless

Dear QH:

It would take many years to completely explain to you all the things grown men understand about women - and you will, undoubtedly, learn them all yourself in the years to come. But let me give you the most practical advice I can now, in hopes it will help you get through this sad turn of events.

If you and your girlfriend realize, within the first weeks or months of your relationship, that you have personality conflicts chances are that those personalities will continue to clash throughout your lives. Imagine what it will be like 5 or 10 or 20 years from now with this girl: will she still be hungry to run around and party while you wish she'd enjoy staying home and just being with you alone?

In fact, I wonder: you tried so hard to change for her...did she try as hard to change for you? Did she try at all? If not, why not? Have you both assumed that her interests - partying, dancing, running around - are superior to yours?

I counsel people to look at potential marriage partners on a WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get) basis: don't *count* on them to change, to "mature," or to become more like you. And don't think that just because you hook up with an extrovert it will make you more extroverted. People don't change unless they themselves want to change. So make sure that you are compatible in the here and now and that, even if neither of you ever changed at all, you'd still know this is the person you want to spend your life with. When you meet someone like that, then it's time to think about marriage. But not before.

Frankly, in my opinion the real problem here seems to be that you were ready to change who you are and become who you thought she wanted you to be. That tells me you don't think you don't feel confident that a girl will accept you as you are.

I know you're in pain and just want your honey back in your arms. But my best advice is to assure you that you are entitled to be loved for who you are, as you are. If she can't appreciate what you have to offer, there are many other girls out there who will.

best,

Gloria


October 10, 2005 in Ask Gloria About Sex | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Aching for anal

MONDAY Q&A: Ask Gloria About Sex

hi there!

i have a question in regards to butt plugs.

i enjoy living a BDSM lifestyle. i often read stories that talk about a partner forced to wear a butt plug for extended periods of time. My question is: Are there any risks to using/wearing a plug for extended periods of time? If so what are they and what time parameters are we talking about- an hour, an afternoon, a day?

Thank you,

Aching for Anal


Dear Aching,

As far as I know, there are no data on how long people can wear butt plugs. For better or worse, it is something you will need to experiment with on your own. In order to do so safely and pleasurably, here are some general facts and advice to guide you.

First, when choosing a butt plug, always opt for something made of flexible material (such as silicone) which will yield to your body's anatomy. Avoid hard plastic dildoes or plugs made of other inflexible materials.

Use plenty of lube. The anus does not produce lubrication and lube helps avert irritating or tearing the sensitive tissue in the rectum. Select a commercial lube over something out of your kitchen, to ensure that it will be kind to those delicate anal tissues. Lube will not decrease the sensation in the anus, but will make the experience more pleasurable. This is no time to scrimp, either: slather the lube on.

Start with the smallest plug you can find (usually in the 3-4" range). It should be safe to insert something that size in your anus for 10 to 15 minutes.. However, let your body be your guide: if it hurts, take it out and try another time. If it hurts the next time, then a visit to your doctor may be warranted, as you could have undetected warts, hemorrhoids, or some other condition that should be treated.

Once you can successfully wear a small plug for 15 minutes, you can try either to use a larger plug; or you can experiment with extending the amount of time you keep a small one inside. Again, as long as you aren't in pain (or bleeding!), there are no significant risks of harm, even if you keep it in for hours at a time. But don't wait to cause harm, either, by forcing yourself to endure more than you really can handle.

Be aware that if you wish to wear a butt plug for an extended period of time, you will need some device to keep it in place. There are, for example, chastity belts which have special attachments to secure a butt plug. Or you could wear latex underwear (available in fetish shops) or even a tight girdle. Otherwise, the body's natural response to having something lodged in the anus is to attempt to push it out, and your plug will pop out, particularly when you stand or walk.

Finally, make common sense your best friend. For example, stop if it hurts. Make sure the butt plug is clean (scrub or sterilize it between uses). Don't take a plug that has been in your anus and introduce it into another orifice (such as a mouth or a vagina)--it could spread infection. Don't go for extended periods without defecating--it could lead to serious constipation. Similarly, if you start cramping, remove the plug until you feel better or have used the toilet.

As long as you follow these basic rules, you could train yourself to wear a butt plug for hours at a time, and enjoy all the fun of feeling controlled that way without risking injury.

***********************************

I don't have the time to answer most of the questions people send me privately about sex and relationships, so every Monday I publish a couple of questions from the previous week's mail, along with my in-depth answers.
To get me to answer your question on the blog, you must follow these E-Z directions.

1. Send me email at gloriasmind@aol.com with your question.

2. If you want your name published, tell me: otherwise, all questions will appear anonymously (and I will delete all identifying information as well).

3. You can ask me ANYTHING related to sex, from questions about what's normal to unusual fetishes, problematic relationships, sexual dysfunction, to get my professional opinion. You can also ask me personal questions or questions about my books, practice, etc. I don't mind. Be creative!

Want to read previous Q&A's? Look for "Ask Gloria About Sex" in the archives

August 22, 2005 in Ask Gloria About Sex | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

The Mind goes live

Want a little live-action Q&A with the mind?

I'll be talking with the lovely CC and friends at The BDSM Resource Center on August 23d at 9 pm (et). (See below for details.) Conference software is easy to use, everything is free, so feel free to join us that night.

I'll do a Q&A too, so bring questions.

August 23, GLORIA BRAME IS COMING!

Here ye, here ye … Gloria Brame is coming!!! Gloria Brame is
coming soon to a chatroom near you. It’s time to mark your calendar,
set your PDA alarm, put a note on the fridge because you won’t want
to miss a moment of "Getting Real: Real BDSM Relationships vs. the
Fantasy"!

I am pleased to announce that Gloria G. Brame, Ph.D, ACS will be our
special guest Tuesday, August 23, 9 pm eastern daylight time LIVE on
BRC On-Line Chat. Join us at The BDSM Resource Center aka The BRC ~
www.thebrc.net -then just click on “Dungeon Chat” and follow
the directions. *

Gloria will be talking about how to balance a fabulous fantasy life
with a practical approach that keeps real-life BDSM relationships
going strong.

"When a dom meets a sub they have an instant connection, the dom can
read the sub's mind, the sub always obeys, and from that moment on
they will know nothing but intense sex and total bliss. Great
fantasy, isn't it? Unfortunately a lot of people confuse their
fantasies about BDSM relationships with the reality that all
relationships take work and require both commitment and a heavy dose
of common sense.”


August 15, 2005 in Ask Gloria About Sex | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Monday Q&A: sub seeks to rediscover her lust

Dear Dr. Brame,

I have been a practicing submissive and masochist for 7+ years and am in a happy 24/7 relationship with a beloved dominant couple. I certainly haven't done everything I wanted to do but perhaps due to settling down in a comfortable routine that's sort of like vanilla married life, the spark has gone out of my tushie's desire to be spanked.

I used to be so passionate and tremble with desire just to look in the general direction of the dungeon but now I'm having trouble getting my head out of work where I'm an executive and back in the happy submissive place. What should I do?

Warm Heart, Cold Tushie


Dear Cold Tushie,

Now comes that bitter time when an SMer must tell another SMer the cold hard truth about SM: it's just like sex. At some point, the daily pressures that never used to interfere with your insatiable appetite for depravity suddenly make you look at that once-hideously humiliating, multi-function torture gizmo you mortgaged your house to pay for like it was yesterday's breakfast crusted up on an unwashed plate.

Why is that?

Could it be that we are just regular human beings?

Sorry, sweetie, but there is no magic bullet for the reality that human beings constantly cycle through periods in their lives when they want sex more and want sex less. Put another way, you can't have mountains without valleys. The reasons are as numerous as the billions of people who walk the planet earth. Since you say you have a happy relationship with people you love (and who, presumably, love you too), and don't sound depressed (the tushie reference was a dead give-away: depressed people call an ass an ass), my guess is that perhaps your expectations don't match up with the reality of long-term relationships.

Some general detours and obstacles submissives in long-time/permanent relationships can run into.

-- They forget what they signed on for in the first place. This happens all the time in long-term committed relationships. At the beginning, most of us are willing to forgive imperfections, make compromises, and ignore small red flags. We reason, naturally, that things will get better--meaning we will get everything we really want later. When we don't (and usually we don't), we feel disappointed--even though it wasn't we were asking for when we first made our commitments. Perhaps it's time to think back to when you first got involved with this couple and ask yourself what your expectations were at the time? Given where you started, are you pleased or not with the direction the relationship has taken? Has it lived up to your original expectations? If the answer is yes, then perhaps you are imposing new expectations on the relationship. Could be time to renogotiate your agreements with the couple.

If the answer is no, and it has failed your expectations, you need to have a long serious talk with your dominant and let them know.

-- There are three general reasons why people lose their desire.

One is physiological: anything which changes your hormonal balance (from periods and menopause, to medications, medical conditions, and natural aging) will directly impact the raging lust in your loins. Libido functions, but you may not have the same kind of orgasms that you had when you were in your teens and twenties; if you're male, you may not get as rock hard; if you're female, you might not lubricate as much. You didn't mention your age but I'll add that the older we get the more we "dry up." Women who were accustomed to drenching their panties at the mere thought of sex may discover that it takes direct stimulation to get them half as hot as the decades start adding up. Both sexes may find it takes them longer to rev up too.

Second: stress. My personal belief is that stress is the single biggest factor in disorders both of the body and the mind. So, let me ask: do you have the same level of work responsibility now as you did when you met them? Do you enjoy going to work every day and find meaning in what you're doing? How much "me time" do you take? Do you spend enough time relaxing and recharging, spiritually and emotionally? Do you have a stress-busting routine to help you get through a bad day? Are you getting enough exercise? Do you eat healthy and get adequate, refreshing sleep?

Third: the great unknowable. Sometimes people have ancient history that nags at them and sneaks into their subconscious, throwing up walls and obstacles to intimacy. Some folks are damaged and have not found a successful route to healing from it. Sometimes we get depressed or overwhelmed by real-world burdens--be it aging relatives, sick children, troubled siblings, etc. Sometimes we are happy with a relationship but not happy within ourselves: we feel we need something more, better, different--but we don't know what it is. This doesn't stop us from expecting other people to give it to us, right? My point is that each individual is a complex network of mysteries--thwarted desires, surprising secrets, hidden sensitivies, and more. If you feel you've reached a crisis point in your life over your sexuality, you can gain control over it by figuring out whether there is something inside you preventing you from enjoying what you have.

Which brings me to my final point. You say you are with people who love you and have settled into a "vanilla" marriage with them. The main problem I see here is that you used the word "vanilla." Does this mean they have stopped doing SM with you? Have they stopped calling your their submissive or slave or have you given up calling them Mistress or Master? Do they treat you like just another member of the family? Is there any reason to believe they aren't sincere about being SMers? If you are unsure of your place with them, then NOW is the time to talk to them about it. If you have all committed to an SM relationship, then none of you should be settling for a vanilla one.

However, if you do still function as an SM household, and this is more about you being frustrated that you aren't more responsive to the same things that used to turn you on, then maybe you have some serious thinking to do on your own. The most important question, in my mind, is quite simply: "do you think you would be happier someplace else?" If the answer is yes to that, then visualize what that someplace else would be like. Now the hard part: is that someplace else feasible? Realistic? I regularly hear from people whose fantasies about SM somehow ignore the fact that most people need to earn a living, talk to their parents from time to time, buy groceries, and other such mundane distractions. So before you conjure life on a cliff with the Ur-Master of the universe, ask yourself: do you have everything you need to be happy right where you are or do you know, in your heart, that your destiny is somewhere else?


August 15, 2005 in Ask Gloria About Sex | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Monday Q&A

Note: this is the last time I'll be posting the explanation about Monday's format separately. Starting next Monday, they'll go at the bottoms of the Q&A's.

I've also created a new category so you can find this feature more easily in the archives--look for "Ask Gloria About Sex"

I don't have the time to answer most of the questions people send me privately about sex and relationships, so every Monday I publish a couple of questions from the previous week's mail, along with my in-depth answers.
To get me to answer your question on the blog, you must follow these E-Z directions.

1. Send me email at gloriasmind@aol.com with your question.

2. If you want your name published, tell me: otherwise, all questions will appear anonymously (and I will delete all identifying information as well).

3. You can ask me ANYTHING related to sex, from questions about what's normal to unusual fetishes, problematic relationships, sexual dysfunction, to get my professional opinion. You can also ask me personal questions or questions about my books, practice, etc. I don't mind. Be creative!


August 15, 2005 in Ask Gloria About Sex | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Monday Q&A: Why do people ask me these things?

One thing that's kind of cool about being Gloria Brame is that a lot of people you never imagined could've heard of you have, in fact, heard of you. The last year or two, this has meant a really surprising number of interview requests from all kinds of magazines and tv shows, ranging from Scene zines to Forbes and A&E. (I would love to appear in, like, "Beaten Bondage Sissies" and "The Wall Street Journal" all in the same week. Wouldn't that be cool?)

Anyway, I generally grant free interviews to everyone who asks, though it eats up time I don't have, because, actually, they're fun to do. That's right: ask me a question, and you can't shut me up.

But every once in a while, people come to me seeking my advice on stuff that I can't help them with. Stuff they mistakenly believe is SM.

I know trouble's coming when I see the words "we thought you'd be the perfect person to tell us about...." It reminds me of some blind dates of my youth when friends told me I'd be a "perfect match" with so-and-so, and then when so-and-so showed up, I realized my friends must've had a really low opinion of me to stick me with that nebesh.

Anyway...(cough cough)....here are a couple of requests I rejected, mostly because I don't consider them to be SM behaviors. Now, I'm not saying that some SMers don't HAVE these fantasies. I know any real experienced prodomme has probably had at least one client over the course of her career who's asked for this stuff.

But I am saying that these acts don't fall under the heading of SM. Because (*drum roll*) when we talk about SM what we are talking about is mutually consensual behaviors between relatively sane individuals. Right?

The following queries both came from television producers. (The letters have been edited to fudge identities. And, naturally, I changed their names...mainly to amuse myself.)

Dear Dr. Brame:

....We will be producing a segment on necrophilia. What drives people to do it? How common is this fetish? We saw your website and thought you would be the person person to interview about this fetish. Can you let me know about your availability? I would like to set up a time to speak by phone. We will be shooting in California. Any chance you will be traveling there?

"Necro-producer"

Dear Necro

Thanks for the query, however I am not an expert in necrophilia. I specialize in consensual behaviors among live adults.

If you will be in California, you may want to call Dr. Ted McIlvenna at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, which is located in the heart of San Francisco. If there is anyone who specializes in this topic, Ted will know--he's a walking encyclopedia of such knowledge. You may tell him I referred you.

best,

Dr. Gloria Brame


Dear Dr. Brame,

....we've researched your website and books. We're impressed with your writing on fetishes....

The show will explore the dark side of sexuality and fetishes....You heard about the case in Germany where a man ate his lover? We thought you would be the perfect person to interview about cannibalism. Have you written much about it? Where can we find any of your writings on the cannibalism fetish?....

"Eat Me"

Dear Eat You,

So sorry but I have no expertise in this topic whatever. I do specialize in fetishes but I wouldn't consider this to be a fetish (clinically). Fetishes specifically refer to the eroticization of objects (shoes, rubber, uniforms, etc.) or parts of a body (clinically "partialism"). The desire to eat an entire body does not fall under this heading. I've never had a client present with a cannabilism fantasy although I have known prodommes who have had clients who have asked to explore such fantasies (purely as roleplay).

I've never written about cannibalism because, again, my research is focused on behaviors that can be safely acted out and which do not intentionally result in death, unlike that case in Germany. Now, if you wished to discuss it in a purely roleplay context, I could help. However deliberate annihilation of another person is outside my area of expertise, which is consensual SM.

So while I would be glad to provide insight on fetishes or roleplay, I could not do more than speculate about real-life murder. There must be people out there who have made a study of it and could speak knowledgeably to it. Unfortunately, I don't know who they are. My guess is that you might wish to look up a forensic psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in criminal sexuality.

best,

Dr. Gloria Brame



August 8, 2005 in Ask Gloria About Sex | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack

Monday Q&A instructions

I don't have the time to answer most of the questions people send me privately about sex and relationships, so every Monday I publish a couple of questions from the previous week's mail, along with my in-depth answers.

To get me to answer your question on the blog, you must follow these E-Z directions.

1. Send me email at gloriasmind@aol.com with your question.

2. If you want your name published, tell me: otherwise, all questions will appear anonymously (and I will delete all identifying information as well).

3. You can ask me ANYTHING related to sex, from questions about what's normal to unusual fetishes, problematic relationships, sexual dysfunction, to get my professional opinion. You can also ask me personal questions or questions about my books, practice, etc. I don't mind. Be creative!

Some caveats:

I can't answer everyone. If I get too many questions, then I'll start picking and choosing according to ones that are unique in some way--whether it's a rare fetish, a strange situation, or a really surprising/funny question.

Please remember that my opinions are just that. It's not gospel, even if I express strong opinions. I'm a clinical sexologist and sex therapist in private practice. I hold a Ph.D. and Masters in Public Health, both in human sexuality. I am NOT an M.D., a psychologist or a psychiatrist. The only kind of health issues I advise on are reproductive health and body image. (See my FAQ for a full list of my credentials.)

If you're in a real crisis in your life, a Q&A column is not the solution. Seek out counseling or therapy services. I do not offer referrals. However, you can visit my therapy FAQ for some consumer tips on shopping for competent therapy:

http://gloriabrame.com/therapy

See you in my mailbox.

Gloria


August 8, 2005 in Ask Gloria About Sex | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Q&A: Transsexual seeks better sex life

Ms. Brame,

I happen to be a moderate aged transsexual woman (over 30... so I am not a spring chicken anymore, on hormone replacement therapy for over six years) and I wonder if you know of any good resources for sex dealing with a person who is in my position. There are a great number of resources for both women and men both heterosexual and homosexual. But things are a little sketchy in the transsexual department.

I find in my own experience that my body can't be expected to react in the typical manners I was once accustomed when I was living as a boy, but I do not believe its really typical of a woman of my own age either... but perhaps it might be something somewhat different, or a combination of the two. There isn't exactly a 'Joy Of Transsexual Sex' to look into and it would have to deal with not just transsexual women but also transsexual men which can make for quite a large subject including that it would have to cover the whole pansexualness within our community as we can be straight/gay/bi/kinky just like the nontranssexual community (though its been hinted the percentages are quite a bit different).

So if there are any resources you could point me (and others too) or if there are any studies you know of being worked on in this realm it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Miss S.

Dear Miss S.,

I am sorry to report that, to the best of my knowledge, there are very few (if any) resources which deal with the issue you've raised. It's shocking, and a sad statement on TS studies, but thus far no one has really delved into how to cope with the sexual dimensions of living in a post-op body, much less written a "Joy of Sex" style book to assist TS's coping with the new sensations and feelings.

A quick search on Amazon yielded only one title (Sex And The Single Transsexual by Pamela Hayes) that is specific to this subject--and this book is a novel, not a helpful manual. Similarly, searching on Google turns up information that would be enormously helpful to someone who is considering surgery or who is dealing with the medical, legal, and social aspects of being TS, yet offers almost nothing on the sexual issues that MTF and FTM both face post-surgery. Moreover, so much of what's out there is so academic (sociological or anthropological studies) that I can't imagine it makes for really fascinating reading for the adverage person.

I agree with you that books that assume your body functions the same as biological women or men (gay or straight) will not address all your concerns. While MTFs have more realistic appearing genitalia than FTMs, they are not exactly like biological female genitalia and cannot be expected to respond exactly the same way. My guess is that everything from libido, to actual sensations (whether to genitals, nipples or other areas) undergo some degree of transformation as a result of the surgeries and hormone treatments.

So--what to do? Your options, I think, are first to seek out information/advice from peers. If you don't already have one, perhaps you might find an FTM who's already gone through this phase of adjustment and would be willing to share her experiences, warn you of pitfalls, and fill you in on any tricks or techniques to improve your sexual performance and pleasure. As is often the case with sexual minorities, we often can learn a lot more from our peers than from academics. Knowing a person has dealt with the same issues, found answers to the questions you have, and is sympathetic to what you're going through would probably be a source of comfort.

If a peer relationship isn't possible, another option is to find a counselor/therapist who has a solid record of working with MTFs and is aware both of the physiology of post-op MTF and comfortable offering you candid, practical advice on your sex-life.

Meanwhile, have you considered adopting this as a cause--possibly starting up a website devoted to the subject or even writing a book about it yourself? We definitely need more dialogue on this subject! I am so disturbed by the dearth of literature on this, and so sorry that I cannot offer you some worthwhile resources, I'm tempted to try and write about it myself. But I make no claim to be an expert in all aspects of transsexualism, so think that work would be far better done by someone like you, who has lived through it.

best,

Gloria


August 1, 2005 in Ask Gloria About Sex | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Monday Q&A: malesub wants woman to fulfill his fantasies

Dear Gloria Brame,

I love your wonderful website!!!

I am a submissive sissy male seeking Your advice.

I have always loved dominant-type women, and now I finally have gathered up the courage to finally write a letter to a woman I have known for a couple of years, to see if she would consider having a "servant".

Here is a copy of the letter I am considering writing to Her. I would love to hear your critique of it, if you would be so kind....Thank you so very much and

Thank Goddess for wonderful Women like you!!!

Here is the letter below:

"Hi "X",

I know you’re not expecting a letter from me, so I hope this does not shock you or anything, rather I hope you are pleasantly surprised, for that is my intention.

It’s kind of hard to know where to begin this, for I have not done this ever before in my life, quite like this!

I think you are a very attractive woman. I hope that doesn’t scare you, rather I hope it flatters you, or produces some other positive emotion. I think you are a very fine woman. I think you are a very beautiful woman, and I think you are a wonderful person.

I have always admired your voluptuous beauty, from a distance, but never-the-less, I’ve admired you.

As far as I know you are not married, but I don’t know if you have a boyfriend (or girlfriend) right now. I wonder if you would even consider seeing someone like myself. After all, I don’t know if I could measure up to your high standards for a lover.

I know I’m probably not much of a man in your eyes. I wouldn’t blame you for thinking that. I don’t consider myself much of a man either. I am certainly not the most masculine man you’ve ever known....maybe I’m even the least masculine man you’ve known.

I look in the mirror and I don’t see that much of a man in myself, with my baldness, long skinny arms, long gray hair and protruding gut, I don’t expect you to accept me as a prime male, not by any means. But I’m not even expecting that. I doubt if I could live up to your masculine standards. I would not even expect to be your regular boyfriend.

I know this may sound weird, but all I am asking to be is perhaps some kind of person put into your service to perform domestic duties in your household, or maybe be a personal attendant. I would love to do things like: be your hairdresser, brush your hair; do your laundry for you; clean house for you; or whatever.

Maybe I could be there for you to give you a foot massage, after a long day, or to cook for you and have your dinner ready for you when you come home from work. I would not mind you being the 'boss'. I like the idea of “role reversal” in female-male relationships.

Please don’t make a hasty decision about this. Hey, I wouldn’t even mind it if you were seeing other men or women. I could even help you look your best – I could set your hair for you and then while your hair is drying, give you a pedicure or paint your toenails for you after I give you a foot massage, if you want – you’re the boss. (I think all women should be the boss over men!)

Anyway, I guess this is enough for now. This will give you something to think about. I know you are probably still good friends with my ex-landlady, and maybe you will talk to her about this, I don’t know. I’ve never said anything about this to her myself. It would not bother me if you did or did not. That’s your prerogative, of course.

I just hope you don’t think this is too strange for you. I hope rather that you would be willing to consider my offer seriously, and want to talk more about this to me. I would not expect an immediate reply, but will eagerly look forward to something – a phone call or whatever, in the near future. My number is: ___-____.


...Am I coming on too strong?

"Rick"

Dear Rick,

You've asked for an honest opinion so I will give you mine, in my usual blunt fashion. Please take it in the spirit of constructive criticism: one reason I'm publishing your question here is because I think many other male submissives make similar mistakes when they approach potential dommes.

Also I'm not going to take a clinical approach. I'm going to speak to you as one sadomasochist to another, okay?

I thought the letter was fine up until the third paragraph, where you tell her you find her attractive. But with the next sentence ("I hope that doesn't scare you") it all starts going wrong and never gets right again.

Let me explain about the reality of being a woman first, and a femdom second. As most any sane woman will tell you, when a man's first overture to you includes assurances that he is not scary ("I hope that doesn't scare you"), you tend to think there must be something scary about him--why else would he start off by warning you? It's like men who start off insisting they aren't stalkers: most times, they are stalkers. By raising the issue, you are communicating that you yourself are worried you may be scary, or out of control, or otherwise someone whose behavior is or might become alarming. Honey, that in itself is alarming.

Next, the message you communicate is, essentially, that you want to control how she will respond to you. That hoists the first of several SM red flags. As a femdom, I can say that if I wanted a man to manipulate me into emotions (or phonecalls), I'd be a submissive.

Femdoms like to PICK who they are with. This doesn't mean we don't enjoy compliments, pretty words, and all the other niceties of courtship. But neither do those things make us feel obligated to respond in kind, much less to feel the feelings men want us to feel for them.

The old model of male/female courtship is transactional: you say nice things, you buy a girl dinner, maybe you get laid. The femdom model is, or should be, different: you say nice things, you buy the femdom dinner, and it won't make a damn difference unless she desires you for her own reasons. I have been wooed by many and have only accepted a few. Why? I'm not a prodom. I'm not in it for the money. I'm in it for my personal pleasure--and that makes ALL the difference in the world. It's about MY personal pleasure, not about what men want from me. I don't work off the old model. Real femdoms can't be bought, unless we set the price and make you sweat to pay it.

The further you go, the more red flags pop up. You haven't gone to the effort to find out if she is available, which suggests that you have been more preoccupied with your fantasies about her than about her as a real person. A conventional (vanilla) married woman might be shocked, and not in a happy way, by a letter such as this. More than a few husbands (kinky ones included) might be considerably less happy--if not downright hostile--to a man who writes their wives suggesting fetishistic intimacy. Had you considered the consequences if an angry husband or boyfriend read this?

Next, from a femdom POV, your painfully honest self-critique would not lure me. If you are such an unattractive and poor candidate for a relationship, what is my incentive in getting involved with you? This approach will never work with any woman worth having. It will only attract a sociopath whose chief thrill comes from preying on people with low self-esteem. If you present as a doormat, you will get stepped on.

I believe your reasons for finding this lady delicious. Now it's up to you then to give her reasons to find you delicious. If you want to win a woman's heart you have to believe you have at least a few winning qualities. If you are not proud of your looks, and don't have the energy or commitment to improve them, then why mention them at all? In real life, most people consider looks only one factor; only shallow people consider them the most important factor. Do you excel at anything? Do you dress well? Cook well? Are you athletic? Hard-working? Reliable? Funny? Educated? Do you sing or play a musical instrument? Draw or paint? Everyone has something going for them: if they do not, it only means they haven't tried to get anything going.

Courtship is the time to look, act and be your best: detailing your flaws by way of introduction is an exercise in emotional masochism, not a successful romantic strategy.

Further, by saying you are sure you don't measure up to her standards--do you actually know what her standards are? Have you taken the time to ask her and find out? Or are you assuming that you would not be a "prime" male to her because being a down-trodden cuckold is your fantasy?

Be very careful about confusing your fantasy about a femdom with the flesh and blood woman you hope to serve. She may, in reality, be quite different from the fantasy. Are you prepared for that? What if it turns out she has a fetish for guys with big bellies and long gray hair? Would you lower your opinion of her if you discovered she had a high opinion of you? One just never knows in this life.

Finally, you spring over the edge of no-return when you spell out the kinds of intimacy you might share. (See above regarding "angry husbands.") I personally can't stand it when men details the fantasies they want to live out with me in response to personal ads. When they include them in unsolicited letters, a giant red flag clouds my vision and prevents me from ever seeing them as sincere about me. They're not interested in me, I realize; they are only interested in what I can do for them. Ho hum. (See above regarding "if I wanted to be manipulated...") If they were genuinely interested in me, they'd be asking questions, not delivering an agenda on what they hoped to do with me. It may SOUND like sweet service--but what if none of that turns her on? Are you really offering to serve her as she is, according to her tastes; or are you hoping she will indulge your fantasies of what service should be?

It's a problem in the culture in general. Men see women as the facilitators of their sexual fantasies and desires. Even the ones with submissive fantasies are likely to believe it's a woman's job to satisfy him--or to frustrate him, if it's his fantasy to be frustrated. As a femdom, I'm just not turned on by men who want me to do them the way they want to be done because they want to be done that way. The kind of submissive man who turns me on is someone who is crazy about me because I'm Gloria, not because I've got great toys and know how to do SM.

Find out who this woman really is before you write her. Find out if she's available; try and learn a few things about her. Before you talk about cleaning her house or being her sissy slave, talk about going for a drink or a cup of coffee. Get to know her. Is she really the woman who can share these experiences with you? Or has lust blinded you?

More effective than a mash letter is a simple real-time gesture. Is she involved in charity work? Donate to her favorite charity. Does she like a particular type of music? Gift her with a CD. Does she like flowers? Coming up to her with a bouquet in your hands and a bashful look on your face will say much more, and be much more touching, than this letter you were planning to send.

Remember: a relationship is a relationship, whether it's straight or kinky: it's two real people trying to create a little bit of happiness together, based on who they really are and what they both want and need. Stop projecting your fantasies on her and let the real woman speak for herself.

Gloria


August 1, 2005 in Ask Gloria About Sex | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Monday instructions on Q&A

I don't have the time to answer most of the questions people send me privately about sex and relationships, so every Monday I publish a couple of questions from the previous week's mail, along with my in-depth answers.

To get me to answer your question on the blog, you must follow these E-Z directions.

1. Send me email at gloriasmind@aol.com with your question.

2. If you want your name published, tell me: otherwise, all questions will appear anonymously (and I will delete all identifying information as well).

3. You can ask me ANYTHING related to sex, from questions about what's normal to unusual fetishes, problematic relationships, sexual dysfunction, to get my professional opinion. You can also ask me personal questions or questions about my books, practice, etc. I don't mind. Be creative!

Some caveats:

I can't answer everyone. If I get too many questions, then I'll start picking and choosing according to ones that are unique in some way--whether it's a rare fetish, a strange situation, or a really surprising/funny question.

Please remember that my opinions are just that. It's not gospel, even if I express strong opinions. I'm a clinical sexologist and sex therapist in private practice. I hold a Ph.D. and Masters in Public Health, both in human sexuality. I am NOT an M.D., a psychologist or a psychiatrist. The only kind of health issues I advise on are reproductive health and body image. (See my FAQ for a full list of my credentials.)

If you're in a real crisis in your life, a Q&A column is not the solution. Seek out counseling or therapy services. I do not offer referrals. However, you can visit my therapy FAQ for some consumer tips on shopping for competent therapy:

http://gloriabrame.com/therapy

See you in my mailbox.

Gloria


August 1, 2005 in Ask Gloria About Sex | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Monday Q&A: I love lots of sex. Am I normal?

Dear Gloria,

I have gone through a divorce and have been rebounding Luckily I am good-looking and easily distracted. LOL I was wondering--what is a normal number of sex partners one person usually has at my age, both in terms of frequency and duration?

I am 25, of course uncommitted to anyone other then myself and my children. It seems as if I am meeting a ton of people, some get lucky some don't. I have been having commitment issues due to my ex husband leaving me for ummm....I won't say the word.

Any-hoo, I have been having a lot of fun , of course using protection. And I'm cautious as to them being a quality piece of .... or not. I am extremely picky. I like guys who take good care of themselves, have good educations and heads on their shoulders. But recently I did something for the first time. It was another women. It was just me and her. WOW. It was exciting and fun. Afterwards I had hot dreams.

I feel like I am a Nature channel show or something--or maybe in my prime cause holy cow I am really liking this singleton stuff!

OK, back to my question......What is normal, What is considered socially acceptable and is there anything else I should know?

Super Sexy

Dear Super Sexy:

I wish all my clients had your problems.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a healthy young person being horny--whether you're horny "a lot" or "all the time," it's pretty normal for people in their teens and twenties to be in hormonal overdrive. Most of that can be explained by normal hormonal function. It isn't just in your head. Your body is ready, willing, and eager to reproduce, and the drive to mate is extremely powerful during those years.

For most people, it starts slowing a little in their 30s and 40s, and may head into a more significant decline in their 50s. However this is not true of everyone: some people stay lusty right up until the end of their lives (or at least until the Viagra runs out). What does impact (and often diminish) sex drive after age 30 has more to do with circumstances and environment. For example, work stress, illnesses (yours or others'), kids, busy schedules, relationship problems, and money issues make people less "in the mood."

It is said that men peak at 18, while women don't peak until they're in their 30s. Some of that is biological but attitude plays a role too. Often, women aren't as comfortable with their bodies as you seem to be with yours--it may take them years of marriage before they relax enough to really enjoy sex. Such women often have have happy new sexual awakenings later in life. Sadly, some people never really enjoy sex because of emotional baggage or body image issues.

There is no such thing as "normal" when it comes to sex. The "right" number of partners is the number you can handle without throwing your life into chaos or neglecting your other responsibilities. The same is true of orgasms. Some people need to cum eight times a day; some are happy with 2-3 orgasms a day; most people would be thrilled if they had one a day; and a surprising number of adults cum once a week or less. As a sex therapist, I view the inability to have sexual orgasms as a sign of problems. People who love to cum usually only have one major problem: finding someone who loves sex as much as they do!

As for people who have a lot of partners, or change partners frequently, if it makes them unhappy, it's a problem; otherwise, I don't believe anyone should tell a person how much pleasure they are allowed to have--unless, of course, it's a Mistress/slave relationship :-)

To tell if you're too obsessed with sex, ask yourself a few questions: is having sex more important to you than taking care of your kids? Do you skip work so you can get more sex? Do you spend money you shouldn't (or don't have) to get sex? Do you take stupid risks (not using contraception, not taking precautions to avoid STDs)? Are sexual encounters enjoyable or do they leave you dissatisifed, depressed or otherwise unhappy? Do you find yourself hurting people you love because of your sex drive? Do you feel like you're in control of your sex life--or like it's in control of you? If you answer yes to one or more of these questions, then you might need counseling.

As to your bisexual experience, if it turned you on, and you both had fun, there is absolutely no harm in it and lots of good about it. Sex is, fundamentally, a healthy activity for adults: good for your heart, your nerves, your reproductive system, and your mind. You are at a great age to begin exploring what your turn-ons are, whether it's other women, particular sex acts or fantasies, or other creative variations. Don't be fooled by the puritannical public images of sex paraded in media: it's very common for adults not to fit those molds. Monogamy is not natural to everyone; bisexuality is a common fantasy (for men and women alike); oral sex, anal sex, swinging, group sex, BDSM fantasies, role-play, transgender sex, you name it--it's all quite normal, but you'd never know that from watching television.

So when it comes to what's "socially acceptable," honestly, the answer to that is BORING! (And dishonest, too.) It's kind of tragic but you just won't find much social acceptance for people who really love sex. My advice: keep your sex secrets to yourself--or stick with people like yourself, who are open-minded. Otherwise, it's nobody's business what you do with your clothes off--unless you make it your business to tell them.

What is important is making positive choices that leave you feeling happy and strong, and that cause harm to none. That's one of the secrets to great sex--knowing what you need and not being ashamed to go after it with like-minded adults.

world-wide hugs,

Glory


July 25, 2005 in Ask Gloria About Sex | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Monday Q&A: How to become a sex therapist

I receive so many requests for information and guidance from students of all ages about becoming a sex therapist that last week I created an impromptu FAQ to address the most common questions. If you see any mistakes, have more resources to add to this, or want to contribute other questions/info to the FAQ drop me an email at gloriasmind@aol.com and I'll include 'em in future revisions.

--------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Brame's FAQ on Sex Therapy as a Career

Sorry for the impersonal nature of this form, but it is the only way I can respond to everyone. If you'd like to suggest more questions for the FAQ, please email me and I will add them to future revisions of this FAQ.

Q: I'm graduating high school and was wondering what kind of college classes I should take to become a sex therapist?

GGB: Relatively few colleges offer sexology as a major (or even as a minor). Instead, your best bet is to take psychology or social work as a major, and then sign up for all the sex-related electives that your school offers. This can range from art courses about erotic art, to biology classes about reproductivion and sexual behavior, to literary courses about sex in literature, to anything offered by the social sciences dealing with sex attitudes or behaviors. If you attend a college which allows you to create your own major, you can create one in sexology, as long as the school offers enough courses for you to build a degree.

Q. I am in college. I am interested in Sexual Therapy as a profession and am trying to see what road would be most beneficial for me to follow, Psychology or Social Work?

GGB: Sex therapists come from a variety of backgrounds. Most typically, they are psychology or social work graduates, but no matter what your college major, to become a therapist you will have to take either graduate training (in an accredited sex ed graduate program) or sexological training in addition to your degree. I myself come from a liberal arts background (an M.A. in English). If I knew back in college that I would one day want to be a sexologist, though, I would have been a psychology major. This is because work as a therapist does require basic knowledge of human psychology. Any training you receive, and any insights you gain into human behavior, will help enormously when you pursue your sexological education.

Q; I was wondering if its possible if you could give me any advice as what to do after graduation from college to achieve my goal as a sex psychologist?

GGB: There are a number of paths you can take towards becoming a sex therapist or a clinical sexologist. You could be a psychologist who also offers sex therapy; or a social worker who counsels on sex and relationships; or you can specialize--as I do--in sex therapy. Typically, after completing your bachelor's, you attend a university which offers graduate degrees in sexology. For a list of schools which have degree programs in sexuality, click this link to the on-line "Guide to Graduate Study in Sexology":

http://www.sexuality.org/l/sex/sexgrad.html

There are different certifications and degree levels you may obtain, ranging from a certificate program which permits you to work as a sex educator to Ph.D. programs which prepare you to work as a sex therapist or scholar. You can then obtain further credentials as a licensed clinical sexologist from a professional organization. Obviously, the further you go with your education, the better your potential income (someone with a PhD, for example, usually will command a higher fee than someone with an M.A. or an MSW).

Q. What would those possible jobs be and what are those duties?

GGB: Here is a quick and dirty breakdown of sex-therapy-related professions.

A sex educator is someone who goes into communities to lecture and teach about sex/relationship issues.

A sex counselor or a peer counselor usually takes some training in sex, and offers non-professional counseling. They may not legally describe themselves as therapists (depending on the state they live in), and generally they will not be allowed to work in clinical settings.

A sex therapist is somewhat like a regular therapist, except all the focus is on sex and relationships. Therapists receive professional training at the graduate level (Masters or Doctoral). Again, rules about whether you may call yourself a therapist or not vary from state to state. In some states, it is illegal to call yourself a therapist unless you have been approved by a state-level professional board which inspects your credentials. This is hard for sexologists, since most state boards only review psychologists and social workers' credentials and don't even have a category for sexologists.

A clinical sexologist is someone who has achieved the highest level of education in sexology (usually a Ph.D.), and who has submitted credentials to a professional sexological organization and been licensed or certified by that organization to practice. Some of the bigger ones are: The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Teachers (AASECT); The Society for the Scientific Study of Sex ("Quad-S"); and the one I belong to, the American College of Sexologists (ACS). A clinical sexologist may open a private practice; or he or she may work in a clinical or hospital setting.

Q. What is the general pay for a sexual therapist?

GGB: As in the field of psychology, there is no "general" pay range. If you work in a clinic, hospital, senior center or other institutional setting, then you will likely be paid in line with psychologists who have the same level of education and experience that you do. Most sex therapists open private practices, and that is where the real variety in pay occurs. In 2005, a beginning therapist may not be able to charge more than $65-$75 per hour. An experienced therapist, with solid credentials, who is in high demand, may charge $150 per hour. Most of us offer sliding scales to patients in need. What you'll earn will depend on a combination of market demand, overhead costs, and your business philosophy.

Remember that, in private practice, it is the rare therapist who sees more than a few clients each day. $75 an hour may sound like a lot of money, but if you only have four or five patients, who see you only once a week, it's going to be a struggle. So the key to making a great living as a private therapist is to know how to draw and maintain clients. (If you work in a clinical setting, you may see as many as 8 patients a day but are paid on salary, not by patient.)

It is very difficult to build a practice at the beginning, unless you have the contacts, fame, or following to ensure that you will have clients. But since sex therapy is a small field, your earning potential is much greater than as an MSW or a beginning psychologist. The competition in those fields is intense, and jobs scarce, because there are tens of thousands of people who hold those degrees. There are far fewer trained sexologists, so you have less competition and clients tend to seek you out.

One thing to keep in mind: running a private practice requires some of the same skills you need to run any business. That means you need to keep careful records, maintain books for the IRS, be in compliance with FEMA and other workplace laws, plus market, advertise, pass out your cards, and so on.

Finally, a personal comment: if you're in this for the money only, you probably are not cut out for it. The earning potential is there but it's not Silicon Valley where you can expect to walk into a high-paying job right off the bat. Like all helping professionals (doctors, psychologists, etc.) you will have to work very hard at the beginning for only modest financial rewards, in hopes that you will build up to a successful practice one day that will compensate you very well. Many sex therapists teach or write to supplement their income.

However, if you are genuinely excited about the idea of working with people on their most intimate issues, seeing their lives change for the better, and knowing you helped them get there, the rewards of being a sex therapist will thrill you right from the start.

******

Looking for more info? Visit my alma mater, the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, and see what they have to say about sexology. The URL is:

http://iashs.edu/

IASHS is not for everyone. If you are just out of college, the loose structure may be too confusing for you. However if you are a HIGHLY motivated adult, a returning student, or someone who needs long-distance educational opportunities (and has the self-discipline to work his or her tail off without teachers breathing down your neck), the school is one of the best places in the world to learn about sex in a relaxed, free-thinking, non-judgmental atmosphere.

------------------------------

Revised: July 19, 2005
copyright@ Dr. Gloria G. Brame, all rights reserved
REPRINT NOT PERMITTED WITHOUT PERMISSION

Want to add to the FAQ? Email: gloriasmind@aol.com


July 25, 2005 in Ask Gloria About Sex | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Monday Q&A: Ask me anything

I don't have the time to answer most of the questions people send me privately about sex and relationships, but starting today, and every Monday from now on (or at least until I change my mind), I will publish a couple of questions from the previous week's mail, along with my in-depth answers.

To get me to answer your question on the blog, you must follow these E-Z directions.

1. Send me email at gloriasmind@aol.com with your question.

2. If you want your name published, tell me: otherwise, all questions will appear anonymously (and I will delete all identifying information as well).

3. You can ask me ANYTHING related to sex, from questions about what's normal to unusual fetishes, problematic relationships, sexual dysfunction, to get my professional opinion. You can also ask me personal questions or questions about my books, practice, etc. I don't mind. Be creative!

Some caveats:

I can't answer everyone. If I get too many questions, then I'll start picking and choosing according to ones that are unique in some way--whether it's a rare fetish, a strange situation, or a really surprising/funny question.

Please remember that my opinions are just that. It's not gospel, even if I express strong opinions. I'm a clinical sexologist and sex therapist in private practice. I hold a Ph.D. and Masters in Public Health, both in human sexuality. I am NOT an M.D., a psychologist or a psychiatrist. The only kind of health issues I advise on are reproductive health and body image. (See my FAQ for a full list of my credentials.)

If you're in a real crisis in your life, a Q&A column is not the solution. Seek out counseling or therapy services. I do not offer referrals. However, you can visit my therapy FAQ for some consumer tips on shopping for competent therapy:

http://gloriabrame.com/therapy

See you in my mailbox!

Glory

p.s. I will repost this every Monday morning.


July 25, 2005 in Ask Gloria About Sex | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack