Gloria's Oversexed Mind

Rack Squirrel

Embedded video from CNN Video

Will opines that the reason she carried the squirrel in her shirt was because her panties were already full of groundhogs.

Kinky parents: Shhhh!

Might be a good idea to save that sexy spanking for a night when the kids are at the movies.

Teens Mishear Loud Sex, Beat Man

According to Torrington police and the woman, the girl thought her mother was being attacked... Police say the teens went into the bedroom and beat the mother's 25-year-old companion with a baseball bat and punched him. The man, Roger Swanson of Torrington, says he suffered a black eye and several bruises.

The woman, Melanie Arnold, denies she screamed. She tells The Associated Press her daughter heard a slap and thought it was an assault.

The Running of the Balls

Flotitta

Sure, sure, they probably all washed ashore, deflated by the long journey

But what I'd like to think is that, somewhere out there, a flotilla of fake breasts is about to wreak havoc upon the lives of any sailors who come near.

Ahoy, mateys! Beware the Flotitta! arrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The Australian men's magazine Ralph planned a promotion with their January issue: they were going to insert inflatable breasts as a gift. That's not likely to happen now, because the shipment of 130,000 boobs was lost at sea.

 

130,000 Misplaced Boobs

Foley: the hypocrisy goes on

Just read a close-up on Mark Foley, the disgraced Congressman who was hoist on his own pedophiliac petard when it was discovered that he was breaking the very law he authored to prevent skanks from preying on kids on-line.

Seems Mr. Foley has not learned a lesson from any of this: he's just working on perfecting his sociopathic spin on why it's fine for him to prey on minors, even though -- under the law he wrote and which got him into this jam in the first place -- other men would be arrested and prosecuted for the very same behaviors.

His excuse? What he really meant by the law was to protect children.  Not minors. So the fact that the boys he went after were minors isn't really a crime because, you know, they were practically legally old enough to suck his cock. Besides, the boys liked it. Yeah! Sure they did. That's why they complained about him and reported his activities to legal authorities.

Foley Breaks Silence on Sex Scandal

These were 17-year-olds, just months from being men, he insists.

"There was never anywhere in those conversations where someone said, 'Stop,' or 'I'm not enjoying this,' or 'This is inappropriate' ... but again, I'm the adult here, I'm the congressman," Foley said. "The fact is I allowed it to happen. That's where my responsibility lies."

Foley had built a national reputation as an advocate for tougher penalties against child sexual predators. As co-chairman of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus, he helped craft a law to protect children on the Internet.

Still, he said, there was no hypocrisy.

"The work I was doing was involving young children ... You know, you hear the term 'pedophile.' That is prepubescent," Foley said, noting a "huge difference" from lurid chats with teens on the brink of adulthood.

Wow! So does this mean Foley believes all the adults in the US currently in jail (or doomed to being registered sex offenders for life) for having relations with 16 and 17 year olds should be given the same "get out of jail free" card that Foley's GOP friends have granted him? 

Nah.  He just means that being Mark Foley means you don't have to take responsibility for being a world-class creep.

Two Little Lessons for a Longer Life

There have been some charmingly twisted oddities in the news lately.  Obviously, with the financial markets collapsing, the country's most historic election occurring, soldiers still dying in Iraq and Afghanistan, rampant corruption in Washington, species vanishing and glaciers melting, the media knows just what stories require the most urgent coverage. 

I bring you, via our vital public servant, the world-wide media, two of the stories that have received the most attention this week, and reveal each one's secret spiritual meaning.  Think of 'em as your Halloween 2008 Zen lessons.

Train toilet drags passenger round the bend

BORDEAUX, France (AFP) – A Frenchman became trapped while trying to fish his mobile phone out of the toilet on a high-speed train, forcing firefighters to cut through the U-bend to free him, passengers said.

"He came out on a stretcher, with his hand still jammed in the toilet bowl, which they had to saw clean off," said Benoit Gigou, who witnessed Sunday's rescue....

The service was delayed for two hours after the 26-year-old victim, hunting for his lost telephone, fell prey to the powerful suction system which drains the loos on board.

Zen Lesson #1: You may fish without a hook, but you will not catch anything without a brain.

Spicy pork sausage found in 'soiled diapers'

Customs inspectors scored the makings of a barbecue when a 21-year-old South Texas woman declared several soiled baby diapers at a U.S.-Mexico border crossing.

Suspicious of the chunky diapers, inspectors with U.S. Customs and Border Protection at the international bridge in Hidalgo found several links of spicy pork sausage, or chorizo, inside. The diapers had been folded to look soiled, according to a customs agency statement.

The Mission resident, who was not identified after the Friday night incident, was fined $300 and her chorizo was seized.

Zen lesson #2:  No matter where you go, make sure your shit is real.

Love (on-line) hurts

If you've ever doubted that the emotions people experience for their on-line lovers are real to them, and sometimes desperately so, check out this story from Japan. The "murderess" got busted for violating all sorts of privacy laws to carry out her virtual revenge against the guy who jilted her.

TOKYO – A 43-year-old Japanese woman whose sudden divorce in a virtual game world made her so angry that she killed her online husband's digital persona has been arrested on suspicion of hacking, police said Thursday. The woman, who is jailed on suspicion of illegally accessing a computer and manipulating electronic data, used his identification and password to log onto popular interactive game "Maple Story" to carry out the virtual murder in mid-May

Link

The Internet element to this story is probably why it's making off-beat news headlines today. If reporters tried to cover every angry ex who slashed their partner's tires or broke into their houses to take something, newspapers would look like phonebooks. It's odd to me that now, more than 25 years since computer connectivity first allowed geeks to frolic at whim, news media and readers alike still find it bizarre and humorous that Internet users take their on-line relationships seriously.

It's impossible to quantify just how many regular Net users are seriously involved in virtual relationships but if you add up all the people you know who have intense on-line relationships, and then multiply it by all the chat-room and dating services throughout the Internet, and then multiply it again by all the sex-worker sites, you get some vague idea of just how HUGE a number of people are falling in and out of love and sex all over the place.

As well they should. First, they're human, and to be human is to need to form emotional connections, intellectual friendships, and sexual bonds. So anyplace where people congregate socially, whether it's at a bar, an office party or in a "hot, hung, horny" chatroom on AOL, there's bound to be some degree of flirting and philandering. Second, people don't turn to cyber-flirting when their daily lives are already overwhelmingly exciting. More often, they look to cyber for a type of fulfillment they're not getting in 3D.

Cyber-relationships don't have all the same ingredients as 3D relationships. They depend on language and imagination more than anything, sometimes with a heavy dose of fantasy projection thrown in. But so what? How many real relationships are based on real things? Does grocery shopping and movie-watching with someone in 3D necessarily mean you share a closer bond with them than with someone on-line who knows all your darkest, dirties secrets?

Cyber love may be different from 3D love -- based on different things, with different limits and boundaries -- but that doesn't make it less real. The above story reminded me of that: love is love, and heartbreaks hurt just as bad on the Internet as in 3D.

Gas attack

In the "strange news" category last week...didn't quite know what to make of the story of the WVa guy who was charged with battery for acting like an idiot, but glad to see they dropped the charge. I mean, ok, it was wrong -- but battery??? Why not terroristic threat with a biological weapon, then?

Charge dropped against man accused of passing gas

A West Virginia man accused of passing gas and fanning it toward a police officer no longer faces a battery charge. The Kanawha County prosecutor's office requested that the charge be dropped against 34-year-old Jose Cruz.

Cheerleading MILF gone wild

Oh Dear Me. This takes cheerleader role-play to a whole new level.

Mom allegedly uses daughter's ID to be cheerleader

A 33-year-old woman stole her daughter's identity to attend high school and join the cheerleading squad, according to a criminal complaint filed against the woman. Wendy Brown, of Green Bay, faces a felony identity theft charge after enrolling in Ashwaubenon High School as her 15-year-old daughter, who lives in Nevada with Brown's mother.

According to the complaint, Brown wanted to get her high school degree and become a cheerleader because she didn't have a childhood and wanted to regain a part of her life that she'd missed. Brown allegedly attended cheerleading practices before school started, received a cheerleader's locker and went to a pool party at the cheerleading coach's house.

So -- think she got any action from the football team?

Sign of the pissy times

If you're a raunch-loving piss-aholic (aka a Urophiliac) who just can't get enough of the stuff, here is your golden opportunity. Just pitch a tent on Interstate 84, and wait for manna to rain down.

Urine bottles: Another result of high fuel prices?

Police say there's been an alarming rise in urine-filled plastic containers found along a three-mile stretch of Interstate 84 in eastern Oregon.

A litter crew for the Oregon Department of Transportation picked up an estimated 200-300 urine filled plastic bottles, along the highway, about half of which were found in a short stretch dubbed "Three Mile Hill."

Police think the price of fuel may be causing drivers to travel slower than normal to save fuel while at the same time passing rest areas or truck stops.

And for those of you going ewwwwwwwwwwww, just think of the important role that piss fetishists could play in saving the environment. Their yellow could be our new green.

BTW, as a gardener who's wondered about this in the past (in the never-ending quest to amend soil in cheap and creative ways), large amounts of piss (of any kind) pretty much kill soil. Similarly, shit from meat-eating animals (whether great apes or little dogs) is harmful to soil too.

The best kind of shit comes from chickens, cows, horses, goats, and other grain eating or grazing animals. Their poo is full of nutrients the soil is happy to welcome back. However I would love to know if vegetarian humans could make a similar contribution to nature. Call Ed Begley! This could be a whole new approach to recycling, while guaranteeing employment for all vegetarians in the fertilizer industry.