Gloria's Oversexed Mind

If you or someone you love (gazing meaningly at my kittypet) uses battery-operated toothbrushes NOT AS GOD INTENDED THEM TO BE USED, but rather to....urrm, brush up on orgasms and keep that clitoris looking squeaky clean, then you might want to shop around for this clever little bit of sex-foolery. It's a soft rubber sleeve to slip over a motorized toothbrush to change the bristly gummer to a soothing soft hummer.

Don't forget to floss.

June 12, 2008 in Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

From my friends at Cleis Press comes this call for participants in an important new book about lesbian relationships by author Felice Newman. Note: this is for lesbian, bi & queer women couples only.--ggb

An invitation from Felice Newman, author of The Whole Lesbian Sex Book

Lesbian, Bisexual & Queer Women Couples:

Have you been together for 5+ years?

Do you enjoy a satisfying sex life?

I’d like to hear from you: What makes your sexual relationship work?

Will you help me research a new sex guide for lesbian couples?

I am conducting confidential interviews (via telephone) with couples who enjoy a satisfying sexual relationship. I am interested in exploring the ways we “grow” our sexual partnerships.

I want to know what makes your sexual relationship work. How do you sustain erotic interest over the years? How do you face the sexual challenges that inevitably arise in a long-term relationship? How has your coupled sexuality evolved? How does your partnership support your sexual growth and pleasure? In short, what are the payoffs of an ongoing sexual relationship?

I want to hear from couples who have been together 5+ years, and who feel their sexual relationship “works” — however you would define that. (Even if you wouldn’t say you have the perfect sex life, if you are generally fulfilled in your sexual relationship, I want to hear from you.)

The Whole Lesbian Sex Book has informed, supported, and entertained many thousands of women in the nearly 10 years since it was published. Now I’m turning my attention to couples. As a somatic coach and sex educator, I help many couples who are quite unsatisfied with their sex lives. I know this book will be an empowering resource for our community.

There will be a reciprocal aspect to these interviews. In our telephone conversation, you’ll have an opportunity to ask me questions, too.

All interviews will be strictly confidential, and interviewees will be quoted anonymously in my book.

If you'd like to participate, please fill out the form below.

Thanks so much!

Best wishes,

Felice Newman
www.felicenewman.com

Whether you identify as lesbian, bisexual, or queer; butch, femme or androgynous; polyamorous, monogamous; adventurous, sensual, kinky; boi, MTF, intersex, traditionally gendered or trans; sexually experienced or new to sexual exploration, I want to hear from you!

Felice Newman is a sex educator and Somatic Coach certified by the Strozzi Institute. She is the author of The Whole Lesbian Sex Book: A Passionate Guide for All of Us (Cleis Press), and a founding co-publisher of Cleis Press. Felice has appeared on Dr. Drew's Love Line, Derek & Romaine Show, and other radio programs, and has spoken to audiences on sexuality in many cities. She has been the resident sex coach on ClassicDykes.com and has offered sex advice on About.com and LesbiaNation.com. She lives with her partner in the San Francisco Bay Area where she coaches individuals and couples. She is a member of The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) and the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS).

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
FELICE NEWMAN'S LESBIAN COUPLES RESEARCH PROJECT

Please complete and send to: felice@felicenewman.com

NAME (Age) Phone #

1. _________________________________________________________________________________

2. _________________________________________________________________________________

How long have you been a couple?

What is the best thing about your sexual relationship?

What has been the greatest challenge to your sexual relationship?

What interests you about participating in this research?

What city/state do you live in?

Phone #:

Best time(s) to schedule a conversation?

All interviews will be strictly confidential, and interviewees will be quoted anonymously in my book.

Please send completed form to: felice@felicenewman.com

May 28, 2008 in Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

Interesting letter to--and good advice from --Salon's Cary Tennis.

My husband wants BDSM

When I married seven years ago I knew my husband had had experience dating men and cross-dressing. He seemed uninterested in pursuing cross-dressing in our relationship at the time, and I didn't particularly insist he spell out his feelings about it either. He said he was invested in monogamy. Our sex life was very good, if less frequent than I wanted sometimes, featuring a lot of oral on his part, and some mutually desired penetration of him, as well as the usual.

Somewhat naively, I did not conceptualize any of that as BDSM (bondage and discipline and sadomasochism).....

May 20, 2008 in Sex and Relationships, Sex and Sadomasochism | Permalink | Comments (1)

I thought this was a spoof at first but, no, modern science (or at least quacks looking to make a buck off it) has devised a DIY forensic kit for insanely jealous men.

Some of the ad copy, and a picture of the product.

Do you suffer from the nightmare of suspicion and doubt caused by the infidelity of a cheating spouse? Find out what's really going on, the quick and easy way with CheckMate.

CheckMate is a patented home use semen detection test kit that instantly detects traces of dried semen that can be found in a woman's underwear after sex.

from Spygadgets.com

Sure, by all means: start looking for spoo samples in your wife or girlfriend's underwear. In fact, why limit its applications? Want to make sure your daughter isn't fucking every yahoo in the neighborhood: make her give you her panties. How about your Mom -- you don't want interlopers getting too close to your Sainted Mother, much less your sainted inheritance. And how about that woman at work who just beat you out of a promotion and you think it's because she's fucking the boss!. Yeah. If you could land your hands on her undies, you might get the hard evidence to prove why you got screwed.

It's the perfect gift for violent, abusive men with hair-trigger tempers, don't you think?

April 23, 2008 in Post-Modern Pop Culture, Sex and Relationships, Sex and Technology | Permalink | Comments (3)

Speaking of outrageously controversial subjects.

A couple of years ago the international media seized on the very sad story of a brother and sister who were raised completely apart and got married as adults (she was actually only 15 at the time, but their marriage was legal). They met and turned to one another for comfort, and as so often happens between two lonely, desperate, emotionally wounded people, one thing led to another.

LINK

....They are a loving couple, who have been together for seven years and want to be with no one else. They have had four children. Beyond these details, however, the story gets more troubling. Patrick and Susan Stübing, who live in Zwenkau, near Leipzig, are brother and sister. Two of their four children have developmental problems, and all four have been taken into care. Patrick, 30, has served more than two years of a prison sentence for incest. Asked if she felt guilty about this breach of one of the last taboos, Susan, 22, simply shook her head and said: "No, I just want us to be able to live together."

Their case is raising much prurient speculation in Germany, not least because their reaction to the threat of further imprisonment for him has not been apology and shame, but defiance - an attempt to overturn paragraph 173 of the German legal code, which forbids sex with a close relative.

Pretty fascinating case. The great tragedy that has befallen their children is the best defense of incest laws. To ignore the genetic reality that children of incest are likely to have numerous physical and psychiatric disorders directly resulting from inbreeding is or should be a crime.

Unfortunately, it appears that the couple in question are simple. As the article presents them, they seem incapable of managing their own lives, much less of grasping the medical, legal and moral ramifications of their choices. And, one might well ask, where were the social workers and doctors all this time, as they continued to bear one disabled child after another?

Meanwhile, consider this research on incest which suggests that GSA (or genetic sexual attraction) is a known physiological phenomenon.

What has been discussed less, is that the Stübings seem to be a textbook example of a phenomenon called genetic sexual attraction (GSA). It occurs between blood relatives who have been separated for most of their lives, and meet in adulthood; it has been known to happen in all sorts of permutations - father/daughter, birth mother/son, siblings - even, occasionally, same-sex relationships between people who would not otherwise identify themselves as homosexual.

I don't think Germany will change its laws regarding incest to accommodate this troubled couple, even though science proves that GSA is a known phenomonen. But this case raises yet another interesting question. The husband has recently and voluntarily undergone sterilization. If adults were willing to undergo sterilization in order to marry a sibling, cousin, or other family member, and therefore no real harm to others could come of their relationship -- should incest in such cases still be a crime?

March 31, 2008 in Sex and Relationships, Sex Laws and Crimes, Sexual Health, Sexual Science and Medicine | Permalink | Comments (0)

In Treatment: Are You Hooked?

I am! And if you haven't watched it yet, I'd like to recommend that you give it a whirl.

This new HBO show captures the authentic feelings - and dialogue - of the therapy experience. A soap opera for the post-Freudian (and post-Dr. Melfi) set, "In Treatment" is an intense insider's look at what patients say in the confines of a therapist's office and how the therapists cope - and don't cope - with their patients' crises. Denial! Manipulation! Narcissism! Rage! Compulsion! Sexual OBSESSION. The gamut of tricky human emotions and psychological problems are skillfully scripted (though I imagine there must be a ton of improvisation too) and brilliantly acted out. Gabriel Byrne has never been better (nor, IMO, has Dianne Wiest, who plays the therapist's therapist)

I've also admired last year's HBO entry, "Tell Me You Love Me," which showcases the superb Jane Alexander (someone seriously needs to give her an award for being the sexiest senior lady on tv!). TMYLM covers similar territory, with Alexander as a sex therapist who works with an assortment of (very vanilla, alas) couples. Again, a lot of great performances, and I can't wait for the next season to begin.

But there's something about "In Treatment" - something gritty, something crazy, something intense - that makes it more exciting and compelling to watch. Maybe it's because some of the characters REALLY behave badly; maybe it's because the set and camera work make you feel like you're sitting in the same claustrophobic room with them, soaking up every nuance, registering every shade of emotion.

Get all the details straight from HBO

Then ask yourself - would you want to be in treatment with this man?

(sigh) Some men were just BORN to wear black leather, weren't they?

February 20, 2008 in Post-Modern Pop Culture, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (2)

Fun little feature from Metro Times Detroit - readers confessing varied wild and woolly sex secrets.

"I want to tell all of my former lovers that I've always been a transgendered person, and I've probably worn all of their clothes." - Rob, 27

read more confessions

February 18, 2008 in Post-Modern Pop Culture, Sex and Relationships, Sex and Sadomasochism, Sexual Strangeness | Permalink | Comments (0)

Cute.

Blow-up doll stands in for groom

If one bride felt lighter than air in her wedding gown, her groom certainly felt like air itself as 19 couples renewed their vows near Columbus.

Sheila Smith's husband, Bob, had to go away on business and couldn't make the Valentine's Day recommitment service at Grove City United Methodist Church. So friends brought a life-size inflatable doll to serve as a stand-in.

They dressed Blow-up Bob in dress pants, a shirt and tie, and taped on a head-shot photo of the real Bob Smith.....

February 17, 2008 in Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

February 14, 2008 in Sex and Relationships, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

February 14, 2008 in Sex and Relationships, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (3)

A new study claims that people who do best on first dates are so-called self-monitors, people who can quickly and easily adapt to new people/situations. Their ability to act amiable and get along with strangers, however, has a downside on the intimacy front: they can be so chameleon-like and eager to fit in that they never really figure out what they themselves want, leading them to continually be unhappy and confused in relationships. Reminds me of the over-eager submissive who agrees to everything and goes along with everything...until the day when she or he decides that it wasn't really what s/he wanted in the first place.

Food for thought.

Why Perfect Dates Make Lousy Partners

"Research finds [self-monitors] to be excellent negotiators and far more likely to be promoted at work than their low self-monitoring peers,” Roloff said.

But there’s a downside for high self-monitors when it comes to their romantic relationships.

"High self-monitors may appear to be the kind of people we want to have relationships with, but they themselves are less committed to and less happy in their relationships than low self-monitors," Roloff said.

The problem seems to be that they can't turn the self-monitoring off.

"The desire to alter one's personality to appropriately fit a given situation or social climate prevents high self-monitors from presenting their true selves during intimate interactions with their romantic partners," Roloff said. "High self-monitors are very likeable and successful people. However, it appears they’re just not deep."

It's a dull old cliche but true: if you don't know who you are, you'll never figure out what you want.

February 13, 2008 in Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

Last one of the bunch! And it's a golden oldie I never saw on-line before. No idea how or why someone dredged this up from the Washington Post to republish in pixels. Needless to say I totally forget I'd done it but it rings a vague and distant bell. Did this in 1993 (!), the year that DifLove was first published in hardback. (The soft cover edition available these days was first published in 1996, on Valentine's Day.)

And may I say....Fuck, I am old!

Bawdy Bytes: The Growing World of Cybersex| The Washington Post

The sexual issues in cyberspace can be decidedly out of the mainstream. "A married woman discovered in the course of communicating online that she is a transsexual," said Gloria Brame, who wrote about the case in the just published book "Different Loving." "She formed a relationship with a gay man online."

---

February 3, 2008 in Autobiographical Urges, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (1)

No I DI'NT!

Yet another interview I don't remember doing, this time published on a site I don't know, and without a mention of where the piece (quoted in its entirety by the blogger who posted this) originally appeared. Yet there she is, Gloria P., blabbing and blabbing. Go figure.

The Family And The Society: Reasons You Don't Have an Orgasm.

Erotic acrobatics are always a fun way to keep your sex life exciting, but testing out all those pretzel-like positions in one sitting actually makes it harder to orgasm. "The key to satisfaction is steady stimulation in a position that hits your pleasure points," Brame points out. "You need to develop a rhythm, and once you feel yourself building toward climax, the sensation must be consistent or you'll lose momentum."

February 3, 2008 in Autobiographical Urges, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

And yet another interview I seriously do not recall giving. Can't remember talking to a reporter about the Lilo (though it's a great vibrator), much less this whole weird oceanic metaphor (Sawyer, are you listening? Don't get Lost - get Lilo!).

OTOH, Men's Health usually gets it right so I guess I did...hummmm.

Take her for a ride :: Be The Best In Bed :: Mens Health

If you're lying low on a lilo, paddle out to sea, not the swimming pool - less chance of having to endure either the urine or the stares of small French children. Going for it around sunset will not only be more romantic, but there'll be fewer prying eyes on the beach. Have your little mermaid let out a little air from her buoyancy aid to make it easier to mount. Head for deeper water- breaking waves create turbulence. "You can play under the surface, which adds tension, "says Dr Gloria Brame, clinical sexologist. Have her lie on her front across the middle of the lilo and take her from behind. Use the rhythm of the sea, but make sure you bring a pot of silicone-based lube that won't wash off.

February 3, 2008 in Autobiographical Urges, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

Stand back! Not only didn't I talk to this place (which mangled an article that appeared all over the Net)....but I am NOT the inspiration for mile-high sex! Wish I was, but I was only asked by a reporter (from ABC news) to comment on the story of an Atlanta-based entrepreneur who was offering couples a fly-and-frolic option in his private plane. And by the way, I wasn't even living in Atlanta (had already moved to Athens metro) when I gave this interview.

Ah the Internet: fucking up news since Al Gore invented it.

Marketing News Blog » 2006 » September » 15

Bob Smith took the term sex on a plane to the extreme. Those looking to join the “Mile High Club” can now do so for only $299. The man is offering Atlanta, GA residents the opportunity to have sex on an airborne craft (nothing as big as a 747). Smith commented that the participants will receive “a custom fit bed, brand new sheets and a complimentary bottle of champagne.” The inspiration behind this stunt comes from Atlanta sex therapist Gloria Brame who told ABC News that “Sex on airplanes has been around for almost as long as flights have existed.”

February 3, 2008 in Autobiographical Urges, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

And speaking of kinky things that are now viewed as delicious spice for the non-kinky set....

What you don't know about sex | Women's Health

There is an indescribable transformation that takes place when a woman steps into a pair of knee-high boots, whether they have chunky soles or spiked 3-inch heels. Images of Wonder Woman, go-go dancers, and rock stars flash across our subconscious, not to mention soldiers, revolutionaries, royalty, and pirates. In short, we feel and look like a badass. "There's an enormous amount of symbolism in the tall boot that we register immediately," says Gloria Brame, Ph.D., a sex therapist based in Athens, Georgia. "Because of their historical associations, boots give us a feeling of added protection while at the same time increasing our sense of power - and that translates into a very sexy feeling that's almost predatory." Grrrowl!

February 3, 2008 in Autobiographical Urges, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

What's been especially interesting the last few years is that, little by little, most of my interviews have been on vanilla sex issues (as opposed to the first few years after my books came out, when I was the "go to kinky sexpert"). It's cool, since a chunk of my practice (and this blog) is devoted to sexual function and health of the very vanilla variety. It may also speak somewhat to the fact that kink has become way more mainstream, to a point where creative sex, once associated with perviness, is now encouraged in mainstream mags as acceptable spice in conventional relationships. Dressing up, mutual masturbation, sex toys, and other things considered risque even in the 1980s and 1990s, etc., are now typical fodder for advice magazines.

10 sex cravings all guys have: there are certain things your man needs to be satisfied in the sack but just won't ask for. So we did some randy reconnaissance ... and we're sharing our findings with you. | Cosmopolitan (May , 2007)

Women, as you know, need time to get revved up. Although your man may be more than willing to pull out all the stops to get you hot, he wouldn't mind if you gave yourself a running start. "A number of women still believe that it's solely a man's job to arouse them," says Georgia sex therapist Gloria Brame, PhD. "To have a really fulfilling sexual experience though, you have to put some effort into getting yourself into a sexual state of mind."

February 3, 2008 in Autobiographical Urges, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (1)

Gloria P talks to Cosmo a LOT. Their reporters are always pretty fun - and they usually get my title right too thanks to a solid staff of fact-checkers

How Clothes Make Sex Hotter - Cosmopolitan.com

"Staying partially clad builds anticipation and makes sex feel spontaneous," says Georgia clinical sexologist Gloria G. Brame, Ph.D. "Plus, you can use clothing and accessories as props to enhance tactile sensations."

February 3, 2008 in Autobiographical Urges, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

This popped up from 2005...and I have absolutely no memory of it. Glad to see Gloria P is pro-swinging, though :)

Swingers

Gloria Brame, a licensed sex therapist from Georgia says she has never seen swinging destroy a marriage. She says that most couples who jump into swinging are very well educated on the activity and have talked with each other about it.

Brame even goes as far to say that swinging is a great way to avoid marriage-threatening problems. Couples who swing have very little to worry about infidelity because each partner can fulfill his or her sexual urges to have sex with other people while his or her partner is there. “The great thing is that swingers never have to lie,” Brame says.

BTW, have you noticed how many different (and occasionally erroneous) ways people credit me? I try to be clear but something often gets lost in translation. Lots of confusion around that one as reporters tend to assume clinical sexologists are psychologists (we are not) who are licensed by state boards (we are not). All credentialing/licensing for sexologists, clinical and otherwise, comes through professional sexology organizations (AASECT, ACS, inter alia). Similarly, psychologists may specialize in sex therapy but are not technically clinical sexologists until they've been certified by one of the professional sexology organizations. (FWIW, I'm licensed by the ACS - the American College of Sexologists.)

February 3, 2008 in Autobiographical Urges, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

Day 1: Monday - Test Day - Men's Health

"Before you try to experiment with wild positions, be the best student of her body that you can be," says Gloria Brame, Ph.D., a sex therapist and author. To find more spots, slow down your kissing, feeling, and touching so dramatically that it barely feels as if you're moving. "It's all about slowing sex down to find where she's receptive," Brame says.

February 3, 2008 in Autobiographical Urges, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

Guide to the Male Body | Women's Health

Given that a solo session doesn't even come close to the satisfaction of partner sex, opt for the real thing more often. Not in the mood? Doesn't matter. Experts say that consulting your in-the-mood-o-meter before you've so much as smooched is useless. "Your body may react more eagerly than you think once you get going," says Gloria Brame, Ph.D., a sex therapist in Athens, Georgia. "

February 2, 2008 in Autobiographical Urges, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

My Girlfriend's Kinky Threesome - Men's Health "What was your first time like?"

It was her sexual coming-out party.

"This is usually harmless, sometimes hilarious, and rarely threatening," says sex therapist Gloria Brame, Ph.D. "Sharing this kind of personal information is a sign of trust."

February 2, 2008 in Autobiographical Urges, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

What? Gloria P. recommended that a man touch the woman before fucking her? What?

21 Little Sex Moves That Will Rock Your World (and His!) - Redbook

Sexy moments can strike when you least expect them. So seize the chance to spice up a night on the couch. "Have him use his fingertips to slowly, gently caress your skin," suggests sex therapist Gloria Brame, Ph.D. "The light, sensual touch creates a tingling sensation that will wake up your body while also relaxing you for sex."

Methinks that quote was a little garbled. Or that the wine was especially fine that day. :)

February 2, 2008 in Autobiographical Urges, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

(This is probably a reprint of a piece that was in the US Cosmo.)

Cosmopolitan Philippines | 4 Sex Tips Just for Newlyweds

"Couples often create an image in their minds of how much better sex will be once the rings are on," says Gloria G. Brame, PhD, a clinical sexologist in Georgia. "But a wedding ceremony doesn't transform your intimate life; you have to take charge of breathing new energy into it." To find out how to do that, Cosmo went straight to some of the US's premiere sex and relationship experts for their essential advice.

February 2, 2008 in Autobiographical Urges, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

Bust Out of Your Romance Rut

Explore her. Focus on her thighs and lower belly. Make a mental circle 2 inches around the outside of her vagina, and don't cross the line while you kiss, lick, and caress, says Gloria Brame, Ph.D., author of Different Loving. You'll ignite her nerve endings and bring her close to her red zone. It makes sex about discovery, not some destination. "Goal-oriented sex isn't sexy," Brame says.

February 2, 2008 in Autobiographical Urges, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

Interesting thought piece by a therapist, speculating about the drive to form adult Daddy/boy relationships.

Hungering for Daddy

Father hunger is particularly relevant for gay men. After all, the first important relationship that serves as a template for future love and intimacy with men is between a boy and his father. Many gay men experience a particularly painful distance from their fathers -- resulting in men who have some of their most basic father needs unmet. Gay men are also more likely not to have masculine role models or to participate in the cultural processes that help them mature into adult masculinity. It's easy, without the intervention of the mature masculine, for a young gay man to become a "lost boy." He finds it nearly impossible to fulfill his promise in the world, and his true gifts often lie dormant. It is not until the internal immature masculine unites with the mature masculine that a man's potential can be realized.

Father hunger is the yearning for mature masculine energy, the intimacy of the father-son bond and the need to be initiated and blessed by the ritual elder. With some stretch of the imagination, one can explore how father hunger seems to appear in some of the fantasies, imagery, role-play and sexuality of gay men.

December 23, 2007 in Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

Ah, those fabulous fabulous '50s. When stereotyping women was almost as much fun as degrading them. Found this montage (part comic, part cheesecake) somewhere and saved it for unknown reasons. It's kinda funny.

But it's kinda sad. The stereotype of the gold-digger, pertly sexy on the outside and coldly exploitative within.

What's even sadder - the stereotype persists. It's launched at virtually any woman who marries a man considerably wealthier than herself. But it isn't limited to women: people are contemptuous of men who marry women a lot wealthier than themselves. One example is the way the less successful husbands of famous actresses/celebs are routinely vilified in media as parasites. WTF? Is there a new social etiquette that if you marry someone with a lot more money you are automatically suspect of marrying them ONLY for their money? That even to consider marrying out of your economic class makes you a mercenary, a whore or a gigolo? Damn, American puritanism is pervasive!

OK, sure, some people DO marry for money rather than love. Sort of depressing to put a price on love. But not exactly a new trend either. It's as old as human history, in fact. Why do Americans get so hostile about it? Like it or not, women, the less-solvent sex, are raised to depend on male wealth. And in most cultures, the richer the husband, the more the woman is admired for making such a desirable match. Yet in America, where we are all obsessed with wealth, people act as if marrying primarily for financial security is vulgar and casts doubt on your moral character. Huh? Is it a question of sour grapes? Wouldn't we all like to be as financially secure as we can, if not for our own sakes, then for the sake of those who depend on us?

Just some random thoughts prompted by this disquieting piece of kitsch.

December 20, 2007 in Sex and Culture, Sex and History, Sex and Relationships, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Guess Who Has the Most First-Date Sex?

....single women over age 50 are twice as likely as their under-40 friends to have sex on the first date.

Unlike married women over age 50, who skip the date and just have the sex.

She said with a knowing smile.

November 21, 2007 in Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

By Mithras Invicti

Unsurprising:

The results, appearing in the online edition of the peer-reviewed journal Sex Roles, show that for both women and men there was a benefit to having a feminist partner. Feminist women were also more likely than others to be in a romantic relationship.

"If you're a woman paired with a male feminist," said [Rutgers professor Laurie] Rudman, "you have a healthier relationship across the board"--better in terms of relationship quality, equality, stability and sexual satisfaction.

"And men paired with female feminists have greater sexual satisfaction and greater relationship stability," she said. "So, [there were] higher scores on two of the four dimensions, with no difference on the other two."

I would like to see this study controlled for IQ, because I wonder if what really is happening here is that high intelligence leads to both feminism and better relationships. For the moment, though, I accept the idea that embracing equality makes for a better love match:

If a relationship is based on authoritarian control, keeping one person on top and the other underneath, it gets old pretty fast--for both partners, really," said [Gina] Ogden, a Boston sex therapist who surveyed 3,810 people for her book "The Heart and Soul of Sex."

"In an egalitarian relationship, there is more flow of give and take," she said, "and that's the romantic tension. That tension--the sexual desire--is in that space between you where you're able to flow back and forth."

In her experience, said Ogden, "where there's caring, sharing, openness and honesty, sexual satisfaction increases. It not only feels good now, but it is likely to get better and better as you age."

That's clearly right.

     Chicago psychotherapist Sue Scheffler, who treats couples, seconds that  emotion.

"What's important is mutual respect," said Scheffler. "If you're married to someone with feminist values--someone with a sense that men and women have the same worth--that would be a key factor in terms of your health and satisfaction in the marriage, whether or not you call yourself a feminist."

That's also a good point. It would be valuable to measure attitudes which correlate to feminist beliefs instead of asking people if they classify themselves as feminists.

She added: "No woman wants to be a slave, and I don't think even a somewhat enlightened guy would want to be a meal ticket. There has to be some role satisfaction, whatever you've elected to do, and you have to feel like your partner respects your choice."

Well, okay, caveat: Some women want to be slaves sometimes, but are feminists the rest of the time.

Sadly, this is also unsurprising:

Since word of the study started leaking out, mostly online, Rudman said she has received a lot of attention. "There are a lot of angry bloggers out there," she said. "We're accused of being man-hating, radical lesbians. One blogger wrote, 'I Googled them--they're both dogs.' That put a dent in my graduate student's naivete.

(Via Aaron Krager at Faithfully Liberal.)

-Mithras

November 18, 2007 in Mithras Invicti, Sex and Culture, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

By Mithras Invicti

Don Roper at Confessions of an English Gentleman has some valuable pointers on how to give a spanking to a woman who has never had one before. I like this one especially:

2. Listen to her. The feedback you get from listening is invaluable. It's not just the things she says. It's all those little noises, the gasps, the squeals, the yelps. It's not hard on the whole to tell if they are expressions of pain, or pleasure, or both together. Some girls are naturally noisy, some much more reserved, so you need to understand the context in which these noises are made.

-Mithras

November 16, 2007 in Mithras Invicti, Sex and Relationships, Sex and Sadomasochism | Permalink | Comments (0)

Man angry with son-in-law fingers him as terrorist to FBI

....when the husband refused to stay home, his father-in-law wrote an email to the FBI saying the son-in-law had links to al-Qaeda in Sweden and that he was travelling to the US to meet his contacts.

He provided information on the flight number and date of arrival in the US.

The son-in-law was arrested upon landing in Florida. He was placed in handcuffs, interrogated and placed in a cell for 11 hours before being put on a flight back to Europe, the paper said.

The FBI contacted Swedish intelligence agency Saepo, which discovered that the email tipping off the FBI had been sent from the father-in-law's computer.

The father-in-law has been charged with aggravated libel.

He has admitted sending the email, but said he didn't think "the authorities were so stupid that they would believe anything. But apparently they are."

November 4, 2007 in Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

If you haven't fucked a feminist, then you've missed out on all the fun. At least, that's what a new survey claims.

Feminism boosts sexual satisfaction for both men and women, a new study suggests.

LINK

Hmmm...maybe if some of those right-wingers had feminists in their beds, they wouldn't get busted so much for going to hookers or cruising men's rooms in search of hot sex....hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

(Thanks to freddie for sending this in.)

October 31, 2007 in Sex and Relationships, Sexual Politics, Sexual Science and Medicine | Permalink | Comments (0)

The second data-packed release from Durex:

2007/2008 Durex® Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey
Segmented Audience Findings

ATLANTA (Sept. 25, 2007) – Finally, here’s something that men and women have in common: They’re too shy to talk with their partners about sex and ask for what they really want in the bedroom. That’s among the key findings of “In The Bedroom,” the second wave of the 2007/2008 Durex® Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey, which takes an intimate peek behind bedroom doors.

Men: Nearly 40% Won’t Tell Partners What Turns Them On
The 2007/2008 Durex® Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey found that:
62% of men are confident enough to tell their partners what really turns them on
47% of American men masturbate weekly
Heterosexual American men enjoy a range of bedroom antics including oral sex (72%), sensual massages (67%), erotic materials (51%) and sexual fantasies (43%) to boost the libido.
o Sexy underwear is a favorite for just 21% of American men.
On average, American men have 13 partners, 10 less than Canadians (23), three less than the British (16) and one less than Mexicans (14).
Globally, more time (36%) and less stress (35%) are men’s top priorities for improving their sex lives – with a third of American men (33%) wanting more fun.

Women: More Romance, Less Stress Top List Of Priorities
The 2007/2008 Durex® Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey found that:
53% of women feel confident enough to say what really turns them on.
Almost a quarter (24%) of American women masturbate weekly.
America’s bedrooms are home to a range of antics for some heterosexual women. Sensual massage (58%) and wearing sexy underwear (55%) sit atop the menu while 36% enjoy sexual fantasies and more than one in four (28%) like to use erotica to boost their libido.
o Two thirds (67%) of woman regularly enjoy oral sex.
The survey found that American women on average have nine partners – above the global average of seven, three more than Mexican woman (6) and one less than Canadians (10).
Globally, more romance (43%) and less stress (38%) are women’s top priorities for improving their love sessions – together with more time with their partners (36%).

Young Adults: More Verbose, Enjoy More Exciting Love Lives
The 2007/2008 Durex® Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey found that:
59% of lovers globally between 16 and 24 years old feel fully confident in telling their partner what they enjoy most in bed.
o People get less confident the older they become – the figures drop to 57% of the 35-54 year olds and only 55% for people over 55.
And older generations could learn from their children. Although 65% of 45-54 year olds have sex at least once a week – not that much less than the 73% of 16-24s – their activity between the sheets lacks the same spark.
More than six out of 10 (61%) of the under-24s enjoy exciting love lives.
o Only four out of 10 (44%) of those over 35 can say the same.
Less than half (48%) of all 16-24s think they are getting enough variety.
The Internet isn’t as big an influence on young adults as some might expect
o 44% of 16-24 year olds go online for tips on spicing up their love lives, which is just 1% more than those turning to books or films.
Globally, more than half (52%) of the 16-24 age group expect people to become more experimental while nearly two thirds (64%) believe people will have sex for the first time at a younger age in the coming decade.

The global research was conducted to gain insights into sexual wellbeing from the general public in 26 countries. More than 26,000 people were questioned on key aspects of their lives: health, general wellbeing, education, beliefs, sex and relationships, attitudes to sex and social circumstances.

Visit:
www.durexsexualwellbeing.com

MEDIA CONTACTS:
Todd DeFeo
404-266-7540
tdefeo@webershandwick.com

Breda Murphy
404-266-7530
bmurphy@webershandwick.com

October 10, 2007 in Sex and Culture, Sex and Relationships, Sexual Health | Permalink | Comments (0)

A big shout-out to Todd DeFeo for sending me the new insider news on Durex's latest and greatest global sex surveys. Durex has devoted serious resources to researching the truth about human sexuality around the world. IMO, it makes this condom and adult toy manufacturer one of the best, most useful corporate citizens that sex-positive activists could hope for.

Since the releases contain so much fascinating data for sex teachers, scholars, students and lovers, I'm publishing both in their entirety today, just there as Todd sent 'em. Part II is up next.

Americans Not Making Time For Making Love: No Wonder Less Than Half Find Sex Lives Exciting

Americans spend nearly three hours every week grooming themselves, but less than one hour on foreplay and sexual intercourse. No wonder only 46% of them describe their love lives as exciting.

And while there are several factors influencing sexual wellbeing, Americans seem to lack both quality and quantity.

On average, Americans spend 35 minutes on foreplay and sexual intercourse each session. Since Americans have sex once every 4.3 days, that averages out to about 57 minutes per week – about 14 minutes below the global average.

These findings are part of “In The Bedroom,” the latest results from the 2007/2008 Durex® Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey, which takes an intimate peek behind bedroom doors around the world. “In The Bedroom” is the second major release of the five-part survey, building on its exploration into “Sexual Satisfaction,” a report released in April 2007. Analysis of physical pleasure and sexual knowledge and education will be released over the next 14 months.

“Sexual Satisfaction,” the first wave of the survey, revealed that Americans are having a lot less sex than just about everyone else in the world, and when they do, less than half are fully satisfied. On average, Americans have sex just 85 times a year (about once every 4.3 days) – well below the global average of 103 times (about once every 3.5 days), with only the Japanese (48 times), people in Hong Kong (82 times) and Nigerians (84 times) having less sex.

Key Findings About Americans Compared To The World
While Americans might be somewhat bored in bed, they have ideas about what they can do to improve their sex lives; most notably, less stressful lives (37%) and more romance (35%) top the list. Other key findings from the report include:
American men average 13 partners, which is:
o Ten less than Canadians (23)
o Three less than the British (16)
o One less than Mexicans (14)
o Equal to the global average (13)
American women average nine partners, which is:
o One less than Canadians (10)
o One less than the British (10)
o Three more than Mexicans (6)
o Two more than the global average (7)
Oral sex (69%) and sensual massage (62%) top the list of activities in the bedroom
More than four out of ten (42%) enjoy sexual fantasies and erotica (41%) to boost the libido
Older people still enjoy a variety of activities to keep passion alive, as more than 52% of those 55 or older give oral sex and 29% act out sexual fantasies
o Globally, 48% of those 55 or older practice oral sex and more than a third (36%) act out sexual fantasies
We like to please ourselves: 88% of Americans have masturbated at some time
o Globally, 83% of people have masturbated at some time
More than a third of Americans (34%) use vibrators and more than half (54%) use lubricants as part of their sex lives
o That’s far higher than the global figures of 21% and 34% respectively

The research also shows that most Americans (54%) expect greater tolerance of sexual preferences and practices in the future and are optimistic it will happen within 10 years. Another 52% expect that lovers will become more experimental, with 57% looking forward to people being sexually active for longer in the years to come.

“The survey has highlighted the activities that people already enjoy as an integral part of their sex lives and those they would like to include in the future,” said Stephen Mare, Brand Manager for Durex®. “As a leading authority on sexual wellbeing, Durex® is always looking at how habits are changing to ensure that we are providing the appropriate products to help our customers enhance their sexual health.”

Expert Commentary
The research shows that even those who aren’t yet using products to enhance their sex lives are keen to experiment. Another 16% of Americans are open to trying vibrators, 23% would like to try an orgasm enhancing gel and 11% would consider aphrodisiacs or pheromones. Also, 45% of Americans think it is acceptable for products aimed at improving sex lives to be sold in
mainstream stores.

“Millions of people feel unsatisfied with their sex lives. Whether it’s the frequency of intercourse, or lack of variety and excitement, they feel that their sexual wellbeing is suffering,” said Dr. Sari Locker, a sexuality and relationships educator.

“But there’s a definite ray of hope that’s apparent from the results of this survey,” added Dr. Locker, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Amazing Sex. “More people than ever before are open to the idea that they can improve their sex lives. Becoming braver about making bedroom banter is the first step to knowing how to ask for more sexual excitement and creativity.”

The global research was conducted to gain insights into sexual wellbeing from the general public in 26 countries. More than 26,000 people were questioned on key aspects of their lives: health, general wellbeing, education, beliefs, sex and relationships, attitudes to sex and
social circumstances.

# # #
About The 2007/2008 Durex® Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey
“In the Bedroom” is the second in a five-part series of reports generated by a global survey on sexual wellbeing, commissioned by Durex®.

This global research was conducted to gain insights into sexual wellbeing from the general public in 26 countries. In total 26,032 people were questioned on key aspects of their lives:

health
general wellbeing
education beliefs
sex and relationships
attitudes to sex and social circumstances

The objective was to enable Durex®, a leading authority on sexual wellbeing with more than 75 years of related experience in such areas as developing condoms, personal lubricants and devices intended to enhance the sexual experience, to remain at the forefront in helping people fulfill their sexual aspirations and enjoy better sex.

Conducted by Harris Interactive, participating countries were Australia, Austria, Brazil, Canada, China, France, Germany, Greece, Hong Kong, India, Italy, Japan, Malaysia, Mexico, Netherlands, New Zealand, Nigeria, Poland, Russia, Singapore, South Africa, Spain, Switzerland, Thailand, United Kingdom and United States.

As a result of the survey Durex® has amassed a wealth of data, providing an unprecedented insight into all areas of sexual wellbeing. Durex® is publishing the data over a period of 18 months to look in depth at a variety of topics, including sexual experimentation, physical pleasure, emotional aspects of sex, first sex and education.

By the end of the series Durex® will have developed a model for sexual wellbeing.

The Durex® Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey was conducted online during August and September 2006.

A copy of the first two phases of the report can be accessed at www.durexsexualwellbeing.com.

MEDIA CONTACTS:

Todd DeFeo
404-266-7540
tdefeo@webershandwick.com

Breda Murphy
404-266-7530
bmurphy@webershandwick.com

October 10, 2007 in Sex and Culture, Sex and Relationships, Sexual Health | Permalink | Comments (0)

Was reading something about bisexuals on AOL the other day (no kidding) and a sex quiz popped up. Couldn't resist. I was too curious to see how people were voting on this one, particularly since "S&M" was one of the choices listed! Here are the results that popped up.

What could you find out about a potential mate's sex life that would turn you off? LINK

The choices of answers were: can't have kids, won't have sex before marriage, has an incurable STD, is into BDSM, and doesn't have safe sex. And the results:

He/she has an incurable STD 65%
He/she is not able to have children 2%
He/she is into S&M 8%
He/she doesn't have sex before marriage 6%
He/she has a history risky sexual behavior 19%

REAL interesting that only 8% of people thought of SM as the top turn-off. Hey, we're only slightly less popular than virgins. I can deal with that.

And REAL ironic that "incurable STD" got the biggest response. Maybe most people think "incurable STD = HIV." Fact is, though, that if you are a sexually active person you at infinitely greater risk for two other incurable STD's, i.e., herpes (which is epidemic in the US) and HPV (which is pandemic in the US).

Check out the stats.

On genital herpes:

Approximately, 50 million people ages 12 and older are infected with genital herpes.

Among the estimated 50 million Americans who have genital herpes, 90% don't know they have the disease.

One out of five of the total adolescent and adult population is infected with genital herpes.

Since the late 1970s, the number of Americans with genital herpes infection has increased 30%.

The largest increase of genital herpes is among young White teenagers.

source: In the Know Zone

on HPV:

Approximately 20 million people are currently infected with HPV.

50% of sexually active men and women will contract an HPV infection during their lives.

By age 50, 80% of women will have acquired the genital infection of HPV.

About 6.2 million Americans contract a genital HPV infection every year.

source: HPV at Albion

If that 65% of people were serious about never having sex with someone who has an incurable STD, they better be taking vows of chastity.

Otherwise: CONDOMS, PEOPLE, CONDOMS!!!!

October 4, 2007 in Sex and Relationships, Sexual Health | Permalink | Comments (1)

By Mithras Invicti

A subtle slavegirl posted something back in August I have been meaning to write about:

It was absolutely pitch black in that mask. I could hear everything, but couldn't see a thing- I couldn't even tell if it was light or dark in the room- and then the doorbell rang. I had this need to go to the toilet again, but by that time it was too late.

I'm always amused to listen to the conversation of people in this situation. Things like, "How are you?" sound so out of place when there's a man with a bag of toys and a naked masked girl in a cage just off to the side. If it was me, I'm sure I'd dissolve into fits of laughter or just die on the spot.

I've been on the other side of this situation, casually chatting with another dom next to some expectantly tense sub, and it's just as funny to us, too. In fact, I think there is the tendency to play up the casualness exactly in order to make the sub feel objectified and disoriented. "Don't they see me here??"

It turned out to be a new mystery shopper, I didn't know the voice. He wasted no time with chit-chat, it was right down to business with a short inspection and pegs and nipple clamps. For the next hour and a half, my two available holes got a thorough work out. I spent a lot of time with my fists curled into balls and biting my lip or arm. Most of what he did felt quite nice and even though I was forbidden to talk, there were lots of noises that I couldn't control and bucking, twitching and swaying that comes from playing heavily with my pink bits. He was very well prepared with toys and all the necessary safety and hygiene stuff.

I was so disassociated from the whole process. As I said to Master later, it wouldn't have mattered who was doing it, because at that point I was just in 'use mode' and I just would have done what was required. It could have been Master's hand on the end of that vibrator ploughing me roughly, or someone else, I didn't know and it didn't matter.

During our de-briefing after the mystery shopper had gone I told Master what I felt about it.

Nothing.

I felt absolutely nothing about the whole experience.

At this point in her story, I was a little confused, and a little concerned. She felt nothing? People feel nothing when they're bored or numb, but not usually when they've just been roughly used by a stranger for 90 minutes.

Master says that was a good thing and I'm inclined to agree. If I did, that would mean that the whole objectification process hadn't worked. There shouldn't be any feelings or any thoughts. Nice and simple. I barely have anything to write about in this blog other than the events that transpired.

I don't know subtle or her Master, and what I am about to say should not be taken as a criticism of them. The thing is, I totally disagree with the way she describes the goal of objectification. For me, objectification is just one subspecies of humiliation, and in my world all humiliation play is meant to achieve not a lack of feeling in the submissive, but a kind of double consciousness. On one level, she should feel reduced, made less, controlled to the point that, yes, her feelings and thoughts don't get expressed or maybe even experienced because they don't matter. On the other level, she should be looking at herself in that role and getting turned on by seeing herself being that way. On that second level she is still an autonomous person. It's similar to what the doms are thinking and feeling as they casually chat next to the bound, hooded, kneeling submissive: On one level the appearance is reality, but on the other level they're doing a scene by feigning casualness in order to have a certain effect on the sub and on themselves. This doubled consciousness is what divides BDSM play from abuse, or M/s from real slavery. In real abuse or slavery situations, there is only one reality.

Again, having stated my opinion here, I am not saying that what subtle and her Master experience is wrong or "bad BDSM", I just have a different take on it. I find the next thing she writes illuminating:

The only thing that I will say it that I felt a little bit like he was overly concerned about how I felt and how I was enjoying it. Most of the activities were geared towards me having enjoyment and so I thought that it detracted from the 'animal for use' aspect that we were aiming for.

The way I would read this is that she didn't get objectified enough to create that double consciousness. It's that tension between herself-as-object and herself-as-person that creates the erotic and mental satisfaction from playing. Instead, some stranger had slightly kinky sex with her, but that wasn't enough because he didn't objectify her the way she wanted. I had a similar thing happen once when my primary sub and I had sex with a swinger couple. We must not have done a very good job of explaining the whole submission thing, because the guy kept having vanilla sex with my sub and trying to get her to orgasm. In that case, not only did she feel nothing positive about the experience, she was actually squicked by vanilla sex and asked me later to completely defile her just to erase the memory.

-Mithras

September 9, 2007 in Mithras Invicti, Sex and Relationships, Sex and Sadomasochism | Permalink | Comments (0)

It's been a delightful surprise in recent months to discover the on-line English version of the progressive Jewish newspaper, The Forward. My Yiddish-speaking and reading father bought this Jewish weekly as an alternative to mainstream papers, eschewing those with a Zionist or religious bent. It was unreadable to me, published in thick Hebrew letters on cheap newsprint, but he devoured it. I'd forgotten all about the paper until stumbling across something they'd published on Jewish sexuality last year. Continuing its tradition of careful, and mostly liberal/secular thinking, the paper has become my favorite source for original, thoughtful discussions of modern Jewish life. I set up a subscription and I'm glad I did.

In their last issue, they ran a thought piece that raises a provocative ethical question:

Is it Still Adultery if the Spouse Has Alzheimer’s?

Obviously, it's highly recommended for anyone coping with Alzheimer's. But the ethical issue itself -- whether the health of a partner alters the nature of your original marriage contract -- is relevant to many other diseases and conditions.

For example, what if your partner experiences a significant brain injury? Even if you decide to continue caring for your partner, are your conjugal duties the same? If your partner undergoes a personality change, either because of a serious mental illness, a car accident, or an illness which affects brain function, are you still bound by your vow to remain monogamous?

We all know stories of people who--when faced with an intensely challenging or terminal disease--have granted their partners consent to pursue an outside relationship. But what if your partner is not mentally capable of giving clear consent? Are you still bound by duty to honor your original commitments until the bitter end? Then there are extreme cases, such as Terry Schiavo's, where she lingered in a vegetative state for years. Personally, I could not judge her husband if he took comfort in another woman's arms during those years. On the other hand, I can easily understand loving someone so much that adultery during such a time is unthinkable.

These are issues people deal with all the time yet we see so little dialogue about it. For SMers, I think there's a certain critical urgency in exploring such ethical questions because (a) everything we do relies so heavily on consent and (b) mental incapacity or illness can be a fatal combination in SM. People do change over time, for the better and for the worse. Sometimes people you thought you knew turn into liars or frauds. Sometimes their "demons" -- such as addictions, compulsions, or unresolved anger -- catch up with them and turn them into monsters. Sometimes a physical injury or illness changes them in ways you never even imagined possible.

Some examples. A submissive girl I once counseled had sworn devotion to a Master who, at first, seemed fabulous. It took about a year before she realized that he was a rapidly spiraling alcoholic in denial about his drinking problem. Some of the wildly impulsive behaviors that once charmed her now struck her as drunken excesses. His recklessness frightened her. She didn't feel safe with him. She second-guessed all his punishments, wondering if he was really in control of himself. Yet she struggled with leaving because she had promised him permanent slavery. Even though he wasn't living up to his promises, she felt she was morally obliged to live up to hers. Ultimately, she left him.

A malesub I counseled was living in a lifestyle relationship with his Mistress, a professional dominatrix. She'd always been a little flighty and unstable. Her unpredictability was part of what excited him. For the past year, though, she had taken to flying into sudden, violent rages. She would get furious for little or no reason, and once beat him so harshly she cracked one of his ribs. He lived in fear of her. Yet as scared as he was for his own safety, he didn't want to leave. He knew she was mentally ill and he felt horribly sorry for her. He couldn't abandon her. Someone had to take care of her. She would completely unravel without him. Last I spoke with him, he was determined to stay.

I've always felt that certain things are, and should always be, "deal breakers," even in the most by-the-contract, protocol-based lifestyle SM relationships. One such case is when a partner fails to honor promises made in their contract. Breach of contract in SM is as serious as breach of contract in Law. Another, is when a partner's personality significantly changes, either by choice or by tragic circumstance. If your partner is, in effect, no longer the person you made the contract with, that contract is void.

Or is it? It's a moral question that frequently arises in my practice. It's a hell of a moral line to try and draw.

Kudos to the Forward for creating dialogue on an issue of relevance to all adults.

August 27, 2007 in Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (1)

By Mithras Invicti

Juno Henry had some trepidation:

“Euw,” I thought to myself on more than one occasion.

“A whole fist? Inside my poor little pussy? What if it goes too far in, and I feel his watch in me– and it snags on one of the leftover pubic hairs goddamn-them that evaded the all-pervading destruction of my depilatory efforts? What then? Aiieee!!!”

When i imagine the bad of a situation, I tend to go straight to worst-possible-case scenario, and wallow there for a while. It’s one of the joys of being neurotic. Of which there are many.

But then someone just did it before she realized what was up:

“You mean you’re….”

“Yeah. I’m fisting you. How does it feel?”

It felt fabulous, if the truth be told. I felt filled up, but it was different than the thick-cock-filling-me-feeling. And it was lovely, because the movements made by his fist inside me were so different to a cock. So sensual, yet so raw and so powerful. I could liken the smooth, fullness of the moments to how it felt immediately after my anal passage relaxes and allows a cock that is fucking it full access.

It was wonderful. ...

The sweetest and most intense pressure as his pace increased and my grip on reality started to unhinge. The build-up inside me of pre-orgasmic excitement and an almost-but-not-quite unbearable tension in my bladder or thereabouts spiralled me higher and higher to orgasmic bliss until i came and gushed out rivers of fluid all over his hand, and I heard his contented sigh of satisfaction.

“That’s it, come for me baby. Yesss….”

I exhaled, and lay back, exhausted. I felt his hand slide out of me, caressing me as it slid. I heard his satisfied breathing complementing my own jagged coming-down gasps and i felt blissed-out and dazed.

For me, finding a woman who is into being fisted is a wonderful but rare thing. I have average-sized hands for a man, but still, that's 4 inches across the knuckles, which is understandably scary.  But when I have found a woman who enjoys it, it's as fabulous and different for me as Juno reports it is for her. To have your whole hand in a pussy, to feel yourself making contact with every inch of her, makes it feel like your fucking her whole body instead of just a portion of her.

Juno's story is instructive to me because it's clear she was able to overcome her fear because her partner paid careful attention. Obviously, he had worked on her for a while before getting his hand into her, not just glopped on the lubed and drilled. And the way he reacted, "his contented sigh of satisfaction" shows why he was so persistent and patient: He really, truly wanted her pleasure. I think what makes someone good in bed is being interested in both their own pleasure and the pleasure of their partner, equally. In fact, you really can't have one without the other. If you're out just to please yourself, you'll fail because you're partner won't respond in the right way. If you're just out to get the other person off, they'll sense that too, and won't enjoy it as much as if you were really into it. We feed off of each other, which requires that you both give and take at the same time.

-Mithras

My friend C. getting her beautiful cunt stuffed:

August 25, 2007 in Mithras Invicti, Sex and Relationships, Sexual Health | Permalink | Comments (0)

By Mithras Invicti

Mitdasein, after a session with his slaves:

All in all I feel that much closer to the two of them than I felt yesterday. We play hard, and we play rough, and it isn't for everyone. But it works for us.

This captures a certain feeling that I like: The play is hard, in a couple of senses of the word: Not just rough but also requiring effort and concentration. And you realize you're in a minority, but to each their own, including yourself. And however hard it is and how much of an outsider it makes you, in the end it's more than worth it because it's fun as hell and it brings you together emotionally with your partner(s) in a way nothing else can.

-Mithras

August 25, 2007 in Mithras Invicti, Sex and Relationships, Sex and Sadomasochism | Permalink | Comments (0)

By Mithras Invicti

Say you're a man who loves a woman, and who would love to fuck her with another guy. And lucky you, she's got the same idea. How to go about it? Tom Paine at Polyamorously Perverse has step-by-step instructions that I boil down as follows:

1. Remember why you're there. It's to get her well-fucked, not to cater to your ego.
2. Establish your comfort level. You know what you want, but what don't you want? Think about what's likely to occur and whether you're really okay with it.
3. Pick the right man for the job. Bottom line: experience counts. Consult swingers' sites to see who has been a third before. Talk to the couples.
4. What's she comfortable with? You might have a mental image of the kind of guy you want, but does it match hers? Remember rule #1.
5. Establish the ground rules. Communicate the dos and don'ts.
6. No means no. Your partner has an unconditional right to opt out at any time. Period.

I would only add or emphasize a couple things for beginners: First, with any kind of fantasy fulfillment, keep it simple. You have this wonderful and elaborate fantasies that you take steps toward realizing, but fantasies often involve elements that prevent good outcomes. For example, a good fantasy will often involve the third person not needing a whole lot of instruction or reassurance in the scene, but in fact that's pretty much impossible. (Put yourself in his shoes for a second.) So some fantasy elements have to go. A bummer? Not at all. The reality of finally doing what you've dreamed about is pretty satisfying, even if there is a lot of "processing" to be done.

And regarding process, it's not just about preparation and execution, it's about followup. Say you get lucky and find a good person to join you and everything seems to go well. Wait a few hours or a day, and then talk about it again. Openly, without assuming that while it seemed fine to you the night before, that in the cold light of day that it will be fine with her. Even though she didn't say anything negative last night, maybe she wasn't sure why it didn't feel totally right but now she's had a chance to think about it. Refer to rule #6.

Finally, an anecdote. I have a long-time, wonderfully slutty little submissive girlfriend. The first time I went out looking to line up a threesome, I ran an ad, gathered responses, and started eliminating the ones I thought unsuitable. Out of 75 guys who wrote, I was eventually left with ... none. Weird, huh? Obviously, the problem was me, not the guys. She and I were ready to do this thing, but I was being way too protective of her, and that got in the way. The solution for us was to go to a swingers club. We could sit and watch all we wanted - no one's going to force themselves on you - and then when inspiration hit, there were several guys right there who seemed like good fits. So to speak.

Bottom line: Communication is key. If problems crop up, talk about them. Don't assume you're going to keep moving forward. But if problems do crop up, don't assume that ends the idea - there may be ways around it. Communication is good for finding solutions as well as raising issues.

-Mithras

August 23, 2007 in Mithras Invicti, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (2)

So let's say there's this guy, I'll call him Mr. Cheater, who decides to send flowers to his nookie-on-the-side. He didn't want to go into a local florist to do this, he's too smart to risk being recognized. So he goes on-line because everyone knows that, on the Internet, nobody knows or cares if you're a philanderer. He finalizes the order with instructions not to send a receipt to his house. And, presumably, sleeps like a baby that night, knowing his girlfriend will be happy and his wife will not know she was betrayed.

UNTIL....

Reality Check! Since it is the Internet, vendors seldom get orders 100% right. (My personal experience with 1-800-FLOWERS has been that they don't always get the flower orders right either.) Mr. Cheater made them a vital prop in upholding his lie: an anonymous order and no paper trail. Perfect! Or so he thought. Until they sent him the receipt anyway, and Mrs. Cheater, aka the suspicious wife, saw it and called the florist to interrogate them about the order. The customer service rep was helpful, and dutifully answered the questions from the customer with the receipt, even reading aloud the the love note that Mr. Cheater composed.

All of which has landed Mr. C in a steaming pile of divorce poo.

Should he sue the florist for adding to his emotional trauma? This man is trying to.

I say hell no.

August 13, 2007 in Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (3)

Wow. Good news for transvestites, I guess. And maybe Wayne Newton.

Feminine guys better for long-term love: study

Women see masculine-looking men as more unsuitable long-term partners but men with more feminine features are seen as more committed and less likely to stray, researchers said Wednesday....

(Thanks to Quill for the link.)

August 9, 2007 in Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm always thinking about therapy -- what's going on in my clients' lives, what tools or resources I could help them with, what I can do to improve my own skills and understanding, what kinds of lessons I've learned from therapy, how to glean wisdom from those experiences for the betterment of clients, and so on. Thought I'd jot down some of those observations in a series this week. Here are my first three.

1. Nobody gets better because you want them to. People only get better when they believe that (a) something needs fixing in the first place and (b) are dead serious about fixing it themselves.

What this means, practically speaking, is that dragging an unwilling partner to therapy is a recipe for failure. No therapist can force anyone to get better either. In sex therapy as in SM, consent means more than just showing up for the experience. It means genuinely participating in it, heart and mind.

Example of a typical doomed scenario:

Mr. X is distraught over his marriage and comes to me, dragging a pissy-looking Mrs. X with him. Mr. X tells me why they're there, bending over backwards to make Mrs. X ease up and stop glaring at him. Mrs. X sits, arms crossed tightly, at the far end of the couch, perched like a bird ready to take wing. She periodically interrupts to correct him or otherwise control what he says, as he gets increasingly jittery about not stepping on her toes. The only time Mrs. X seems to relax is when Mr. X takes the blame for something. Soon Mr. X takes ALL the blame. Finally, it's her turn: Mrs. X then uses her time to re-chew everything Mr. X said, throws some old baggage at him, and acts like she's done him a favor by coming to his therapy session.

I can't describe the sinking feeling I get in my gut when this happens (it happens a few times a year).

2. There is no magic bullet. How many times have we all heard this cliche? Yet some people refuse to accept this basic truth. If it took you 20 or 30 years to get all fucked up about something (or multiple somethings), you will not undo the mess in one hour. Really. The only thing that can instantly wipe away one's memories and personal history is a stroke or a head injury.

Think of lifelong unhappiness or dissatisfaction or insecurities as pieces of the mosaic that is individual identity. Every detail of how you became the way you are is a tile that fits into the picture. To understand who you are, you have to study the moasic and learn all its secrets. To understand your problems, you have to learn which pieces are flawed and how they affect other elements of the picture. The more you understand how the pieces came to form the picture, the greater your power to change your life.

3. People who go to therapy for years and don't get better (happier or more functional or at least less stressed out) either have lousy therapists they should fire, or are lying to the therapist about their problems, in which case the therapists should fire them. Let me explain with The Hangnail Analogy.

Say you have a hangnail and you go to your GP to get help for it. Only when you come into his office, you talk about the pimple on your nose instead. He'll treat your nose. You come back a week later, annoyed with the doctor and angry at yourself. He sees you're limping and asks why, and you get defensive, and suddenly you feel very ashamed about having a hangnail; you never thought of yourself as the kind of person who'd get a hangnail; how come he didn't figure out that's what was wrong with you if he sees you're limping. Besides, the bastard didn't cure you last time, so why should you trust him now? So you say, "Nah, it's nothing." But you're still in pain. So you come back yet again and finally admit the problem. "Oh!" says the doctor, "Just do this and do that and you'll be fine." You go away relieved there's a cure. Only you don't do this or that. You keep doing the same stupid thing as before. Next time, you're hobbling when you see him, your foot is even worse, and he's frustrated with you.

If you're lucky, this is when the doctor reads you the riot act. "No, you can't come back here because you lied to me: if you lie, I can't help you. (note: lying to therapists will get its own section later). The doc should also say, "If you don't take my advice, I can't help you either, and if I can't help you, I won't take your money." But if the doc's greedy, he or she may secretly start thinking, "Hey, this is turning into a nice piece of change I can count on every week." And so he or she will let you keep on playing a pointless game where you roleplay as doctor/patient, but no real healing occurs.

That's what I think when I see people who go to therapists for years and are still as unhappy as when they started. Something is very wrong, either with the therapist or the client.

copyright 2007 Dr. Gloria G. Brame, all rights reserved

August 6, 2007 in Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

Wow, there's someone I recognize on page two of this article. :)

August 4, 2007 in Autobiographical Urges, Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (1)

...from an article by a British sex therapist, discussing the role of sexual fantasy in adult life:

.... Another positive use of fantasy is to master old traumas. A mild example would be Hannah, 48, whose first sexual experience was hurried, rough and disappointing: “In my fantasies I lose my virginity to Donny Osmond, who is kind and gentle. When I cry, he pats my eyes dry with a lace handkerchief. He also helps me to tidy up afterwards, rather than going to watch football with his mates, which is what happened in reality.”

Link:

Who was it for you?

Actually I'm not sure which scares me more: Hannah's fantasy or this. Hm. And how come nearly all the converts are female? Hmmmm.....

August 1, 2007 in Sex and Relationships, Sex and Spirituality | Permalink | Comments (0)

By Mithras Invicti

My friend mitda has had a rough life:

one of my housemates was an ex-porn star, she introduced me to cocaine, to which i subsequently became addicted, for which i would turn tricks with her, and off which i finally got, moving out of the tiny tiny tiny studio and into my car for a spell.

i worked many gigs, stage managing when i could, reading poetry out loud when i could, trying to do “real” jobs in offices, finally getting myself hospitalized for the efforts.

i had many lovers, was many times busy one-night-standing.  i joke that there are people on tv that “i think i’ve fucked.”

i had already been diagnosed with manic-depressive illness in 1999, but i didn’t really take care of myself until mostly recently, within the last four years.

Then she moved out of L.A. to live with her now-husband, Mitdasein:

things settled into a nice even score.  i got on meds that made a difference in my moods, i worked to figure out which ones they were, instead of just knowing the lot of them.

Mitdasein and i played with D/s but it didn’t really sink in that we were after M/s until the start of my second winter there.  And then i was collared.

We had explored TPE for a while, but only recently did it become clear that this is how we wanted to live.  Throw in a move to Austin, Texas (from Toronto! Toronto?) some polyamory, right, and you’ve got:

the single most normal lifestyle with which i’ve ever engaged.

she and Mitdasein are now living in a poly quad and helping to raise four children, and mitda loves it:

i do the laundry, almost with regularity.  i run errands.  i don’t despise walmart because it’s just too fucking convenient.  i appreciate one-stop shopping so i can get back to the family and the business at hand in the house.

I keep a tight schedule with Mitdasein’s approval.

so it stands:

Then, (pre M/s) :  whoring, cocaine, theatre,  fucking half of the city

D/s: stability, family, polyamory, psychiatry, routine.

Oh sure, we’re kinky in bed.  Of course, W/we sleep with three people each.  This might not be viewed as extremely run-of-the-mill, but despite that, i think i’ve found a life that is fulfilling and full of love.

i’ve found where i fit.

Part of her wonder is the contrast between her former and current lifestyles, and the contrast between the "deviance" of being a slave in a quad and the "normalcy" in being so prosaically domestic. But mainly, I think, it's the happiness that she's found via such an unexpected route.

What I take away from this is that finding the life you need makes you stable and happy, whatever life that is.  I think one of the problems in our culture - or maybe this is just a human thing - is that we get loaded up with expectations and beliefs about what is a good, normal life when we're young.  I think of it as junk that conceals our true selves to ourselves, so we spend a good chunk of our adulthood (and a chunk of change on therapy) clearing away that junk and uncovering our real wants and desires and needs. Or, perhaps, it's not a matter of clearing away cultural junk, but that our culture doesn't promote the kind of introspective skill that is needed to make that journey of self-discovery. I'm not a shrink, I didn't even stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, but I think this is the path of self actualization.  What's interesting to me is two things:

1. You probably can't know a priori what the right path is.  I find that people, if they're lucky, stumble onto what makes them happy, rather than sitting down and figuring it out in advance. What's key is continually listening to your feelings and then thinking about them clearly along the way. That is, I think, how people work in general. A stimulus, good or bad, motivates us, and then we consider why it does.

2. Give yourself a break. This is a corollary to number one, I guess. Don't get down on yourself if you don't fit someone else's mold. Don't get down on yourself if you can't figure it out right now. Don't get impatient with a lifestyle change you're considering if it seems like it won't make you totally happy right away. What you're aiming for is improvement, not one leap to perfection. And don't get too stressed out by the mere thought that a lifestyle that is "deviant" might be the one that makes you happier. Just accept yourself.

-Mithras

July 31, 2007 in Mithras Invicti, Sex and Relationships, Sex and Sadomasochism | Permalink | Comments (2)

Does a person really NEED a reason to have sex?

Apparently so, since a couple of American sex scientists have discovered that people they studied came up with 237 reasons for getting it on. Wow. I guess they've seriously pondered their motivations. You don't suppose other species sit around thinking, "Boy, gathering seed is hard work, maybe a quick boink will perk me up" or "That was a really tasty dead lizard he gave me today. Maybe I should throw him a piece."

Anyway, the results are from a study titled Why Humans Have Sex. Maybe it could be a new family game around here: trying to think of reasons to have sex that did not make it into this study.

Reason #238: I can't resist the sight of a man in a chastity belt.

July 18, 2007 in Sex and Relationships, Sexual Science and Medicine | Permalink | Comments (1)

I hear all the time about spouses spying on each other in my therapy practice. Some get quite creative with their detection methods. But none thus far can beat this story about the forensic scientist who brought her husband's dirty shorts to her lab, tested them for foreign DNA....and found it!

But now she's in trouble with her bosses.

July 4, 2007 in Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

A shout out to my boy spot for this woofalicious vid. Check out the looks on the interviewer's face. LOL

June 26, 2007 in Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (2)

Especially if you're doing it on a roof and stop paying attention to how close you get to the edge. Holy crap.

This tragic S. Carolina couple fell to their deaths stark naked. In an effort to be discreet, police who found the pair's clothing on the roof, are saying they "can only speculate" about what they were doing up there. I will be less discreet and speculate that they have given an all-new and ghoulish meaning to the expression "edge play."

June 20, 2007 in Sex and Relationships | Permalink | Comments (0)

According to people who bill themselves as "infidelity experts," Summer is peak cheating season. All those bared midriffs and tiny t's make some married men lose their minds and seek out affairs. Dads who bundle their wives and kids off to summer destinations while staying in town to work are particularly vulnerable to hormonal overdrive (and its inevitable consequence - a sudden plunge into amorality). The experts are full of advice on how to monitor your man, the warning signs of extra-marital hanky-panky, and remaining vigilant in a temptation-laden season.

To which I say: HUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

What would inspire someone to become an "infidelity expert" in the first place. A broken heart? An "I been done wrong by my man" mentality? I've often noted that people tend to choose areas of study based on what plagues them or fascinates them the most. For example, I'm all about the sex and sexuality thing - something which probably would not surprise any of the people who knew me in my teens. I was