Gloria's Oversexed Mind

(psssst, quick! someone call the Christian Right! Not only is Mother Nature a pagan, she's a pornographer!)

And now, with serious apologies to Joyce Kilmer, ...

I think that I shall never see
a fuck-you finger on a tree.
A tree whose droughty roots despair
that anyone will give it care.
A tree that looks at men all day
and curses at them, "Go away!"
A tree that may in seasons wear
birdshit and garbage in its hair.
Upon whose branches smog has lain.
Who rightfully fears acid rain.
Bad verse is writ by twits like me.
But Nature made this fuck-you tree.

July 21, 2008 in Pleasures of the Garden, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Wear this t-shirt

July 18, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

From Miss Bunny, this smart little pair of (re-designed) fuck-you shoes. I'm assuming it's sort of a post-modern feminist statement against fuck-me shoes. If not, Miss Bunny really needs to work on her anger management issues.

July 16, 2008 in Post-Modern Pop Culture, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (3)

People ask me sometimes, "gee, Gloria, how do you find all the crap you find for the blog??" and, honestly, half the time I don't remember. Sometimes I follow links that lead to links that take me to links. More often, I'll type random words into search engines like google, or on ebay, and see what pops up. For example, I typed the word "cock" into eBay the other day to see what might, erm, pop up. So to speak.

Among other things, I found this book. What ever was its author (a poet) thinking??

I checked it out on Amazon too, where a peek inside yielded only some very sober, tasteful poetry.

Funnier, though, was the wishful thinking on the part of the person selling

Cock and balls or bowling cookie cutter new Strike !

It is, of course, a bowling pin with *a* ball -- though I'm sure the vendor is hoping to expand the market but suggesting you could bake your own erotic cookies (if your guests don't mind a cookie that will remind them of someone's testicular cancer surgery....)

July 16, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Click here and you'll see...

--------

Inspired by 10 Misspelled and Bizarre eBay Auctions

July 15, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

OK, this didn't turn me on. But I wouldn't mind owning one for fun. The cig is a specially nice touch. Japanese sex toy, and don't ask me what (if anything) it does.

July 11, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (1)

July 9, 2008 in Sex and Culture, Sex and History, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Aha! I knew there had to be at least one economic disaster we can't blame on George Bush.

Husband and wife Francisco and Casilda Figueiredo are among the last exponents of a traditional Portuguese handicraft -- making ornamental ceramic penises.

For more than three decades, the couple have carefully shaped thousands of ceramic male organs, moulding them into upright shapes and painting them in life-like colours for export to Germany, France and North America.

Francisco and Casilda, aged 68 and 65, still toil away in a humble village workshop in the Caldas da Rainha region, about 100 km (60 miles) north of Lisbon, but say the tradition is dying out.

"The days of the ceramics trade here are numbered, I see no possibility of survival," Francisco said as he prepared moulds of the couple's top-of-the-range two-foot phallic-shaped bottles in his workshop.

The couple produce ceramic mugs with a penis sticking out of the bottom or the side, penis-shaped bottles and ceramic soccer figures with the male organ popping out from under a flag.

Story and image: Couple maintain Portugal's ceramic penis tradition

July 5, 2008 in Sex and Culture, Sex and History, Sexual Humor, Sexual Strangeness | Permalink | Comments (0)

Spore is coming!

And boy is it coming. And coming.

The pre-release of teaser technology to get people hooked on the game is already turning some otherwise reasonably mature adults (blinking at my ketzl) into freaky-sex-crazed Spore-aholics. I checked out some of the colorful characters people have uploaded to YouTube. As you'll see, they're totally cocked up.

July 5, 2008 in Post-Modern Pop Culture, Sex and Technology, Sex On-Line, Sexual Humor, Sexual Strangeness | Permalink | Comments (1)

(Thanks to Mitch for this.)

There are two absolute truths in this world.

First, every plan that Bush has, backfires. The merde touch.

Second, there is virtually nothing that is bad for the porn industry.

And now, this is what you call synergy:

An unforeseen and surprising beneficiary of the Economic Stimulus Plan, a plan that George Bush contends will "boost our economy and encourage job creation," has surfaced this week. An independent market-research firm, AIMRCo (Adult Internet Market Research Company), has discovered that many websites focused on adult or erotic material have experienced an upswing in sales in the recent weeks since checks have appeared in millions of Americans' mailboxes across the country.

Link: Firedoglake » Stimulus Package, indeed

I guess we shouldn't be surprised....after all....Bush loves TWAT....

July 3, 2008 in Sex and Culture, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Link: Toilet-Themed Restaurant

July 2, 2008 in Post-Modern Pop Culture, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Honestly, would you risk rear-ending a vehicle with this bumper sticker?

June 30, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (1)

(it comes with those handcuffs -- but where exactly would they fit?)

June 22, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (3)

Now that the Borscht Belt has died its inevitable death, where else is a nice Jewish girl-slash-comedy legend going to go but...

FOLSOM?

OMG. Priceless...

Thanks to Mike for sending this.

Saturday, September 20, 2008
The Regency Center - Sutter Room
1290 Sutter Street, San Francisco, CA

Celebrate the 25th Folsom Street Fair with glamour and style at our one-time-only Formal Gala Dinner. This special event is scheduled for Saturday, September 20th at The Regency Center’s Sutter Room. Your admission includes a unique four-station menu (crafted exclusively by Small Potatoes Catering Events), an open bar featuring martinis of all kinds as well as high-end brews, and an astonishing comedic performance by the legendary Joan Rivers.

Link

Wonder if this YouTube is a taste of what the pervs will be getting

June 17, 2008 in Post-Modern Pop Culture, Sex and Sadomasochism, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (2)

Sign on Japanese public transportation urging you to give up your seat to people in the following situations:

And now...someone translates it so you don't give up your seat to men with erections....well, unless they've also injured an arm or leg....

June 6, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

June 5, 2008 in Sexual Health, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (1)

Finally, for buttologists seeking the perfect address....

May 27, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Dessert options.

May 27, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Looking for that special treat for your butt-loving best friend?

The Incredible Edible Anus

(thanks to Mike for the link)

May 27, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (2)

Where to eat tonight...so many choices....

May 27, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Anal sex fans, today is your lucky day, with a few bloggy tidbits for discriminating buttologists.

Starting with recommended reading for anyone who wants to avoid accidentally messing their pants...and everyone who wants to bring it on.

via Divine Caroline:

Five Foods That Cause Anal Leakage

May 27, 2008 in Sexual Health, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

From my friends at Libido Films comes this original animated sex film, "My Art School Summer." You can watch the hilarious trailer for free. NSFW. (Thanks for the link, Jack!)

My Art School Summer

LibidoFilms is mighty proud to present a sexy, funny original musical animated feature from Out on a Limb Animation, featuring the fresh, inventive work of David and Mary Sandberg.

LINK

May 20, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Do you suppose that one day, some of the little kids who play in this park will grow up to have a fetish for women whose giant asses jut out when they squat?

May 13, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

The problem with being a pervert is that little vanilla phrases can totally throw you off.

For example, SPEED-TV hosts a show called Unique Whips and, dammit, every time I surf channels and see the title, my finger *plips* the remote faster than my mind remembers it's just some show about car racing. I swear, it gets me every single time.

And then the other day, I was totally agog over the startling headline, Great tits cope well with warming , wondering what makes a tit great and who decides, and why does having great tits make it easier to cope with global warming? My rack's been frequently praised -- is it possible they are self-cooling? So I clicked and oh crap, it's about birds.

Maybe I should title my autobiography "Great Tits and Unique Whips" and call it a draw.

On the other hand, I confess I was not entirely disappointed by the link to these Big Tomatoes. They're like the Dolly Partons of organic farming.

May 12, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (1)

Found this light-hearted multimedia (NSFW) quiz from lube-makers K-Y which asks "Art you British in bed" and, OMG, turns out, I'm Russian!

"Your lovemaking is revolutionary! It will inspire others to stage their own sexual revolutions for generations to come. You're a Czar in the bedroom. Merely satisfying your partner will never be enough for you...you must conquer them completely!"

I feel so...busted. :)

So what nationality are you? Find out by taking the K-Y quiz: Are you British in bed?

May 8, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (5)

The perfect dessert for your next SM event?

I just can't figure out what the original sign said -- unless this is some krazy kountry specialty I never heard about. Mmmm...maybe we need to get us some tonight.

Anyone know what/where this is?

May 5, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (1)

April 30, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

April 14, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (2)

Hilarious spoof--with a video for your viewing delectation:

Via Gizmodo:

Gadgets: Steampunk Masturbation Device Invented by Internet Anal-Retentive Nerd Guru Merlin Mann

April 10, 2008 in Sex and Technology, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (1)

Thanks to lobster johnson for adding this link to the comments section on last week's Wonder Woman art show. The vid is so funny it deserves its own little feature (esp. since I know a lot of readers don't actually click the links in comments).

April 7, 2008 in Post-Modern Pop Culture, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Special April 1st edition

If you're into felching, you know that it's damn hard to find a job that supports your sexual choice and makes you proud to wipe your lips and say, "Yuuup, I'm a felcher!"

But don't worry. Even if you don't like felching, you might still find your dream if you check out the Internet's hottest list of Felch Jobs.

April 1, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

special April 1st edition

Get your free fucking blocks right here.

April 1, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

special April 1st edition

It has now been proven. Pussy plays a vital role in human health

April 1, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

special April 1st edition

Locals were profoundly morally relieved today when armored troops and helicopters arrived to remove an obscene blight upon this quiet corner of the South Uplands. According to a spokeswoman for the the Dumfries and Galloway branch of the PMOLC (Perpetually Morally Outraged Ladies of Charity) , it was their organization which instituted the drive to rid their community of an obscene statue that parents had feared was destroying their children's minds. "One day it's a statue of naked people rubbing their genitalia together," the spokesman explained, "the next it's homosexuals wanting to marry. Is it any wonder that my son and my husband are gay?"

The spokesperson also noted the PMOLC had conducted its own private investigation into the statue. "We measured, and the genitals are less than 1 mm. apart. Disgusting!"

"It's another shocking example of the moral corruption of our so-called post-modern culture of filth and depravity," said Mr. I.M. "Jock" MacHornswaggled, proprietor of Dumfries, Dumfries and Dumfries Funeral Homes and Day Care Centres. He said that knowing his funeral corteges will no longer be forced to pass by the disgraceful monument has helped him sleep better at night. "We bury a lot of children," he said, "and we could hear the wee bastards rolling in their coffins every time we drove by." When asked if he knew how the obscenity was erected in the first place, MacHornswaggled said, "We all know where pornography comes from. The Internet."

April 1, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

(thanks to Mitch for sending this in!)

March 30, 2008 in Sexual Humor, Sexual Politics | Permalink | Comments (0)

A woman wrote in to Salon, asking if she's shallow for suddenly feeling like her husband is a little too short to be sexy to her and satirical sexpert Cary Tennis answered.

(I can answer that in one word: YES.)

Tennis' advice, however, cracked me up. Some choice excerpts.

from....
Help! I married a short man!
A Since You Asked column on Salon.com by Cary Tennis

If your husband really cared, he would grow a few inches.

Many husbands start out short. That is no excuse.

Perhaps he is obstinate. See if you can break his will.

Interestingly, Salon has removed the article!. Maybe a coalition of short people bit their ankles in protest.

(pssssssssssssst, I'm only 5 feet tall, I am allowed to make short jokes)

March 29, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (5)

Be honest, now. Have you ever seen him hug Laura with so much affection?

March 27, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (3)

For reasons I don't think I need to elaborate (or do I?), I just luuuuuuuuuurv this cartoon.

March 26, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (5)

With commercials like these, Emerald should consider creating a special brand label for cross-dressers and people with forced feminization fantasies.

March 24, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Obviously this is a lesbian strip club.

via CuteOverload:

OK, folks: has anyone ever tried to make an SM diorama with Peeps? Send me your pix and I'll post them!

March 20, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

The perfect companion piece to my earliest post -- for all you Spitzer-wanna-be's.

via
Gawker

March 19, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (2)

Gee, I don't know why these folks are so disturbed....doesn't every home have a baby Jesus butt plug?

The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys

Hedonism got way out of a hand when the internet came along and the sex toy market exploded like, well, a bukkake video. Where once it was simple shoulder massagers and turkey basters that had to be adapted to nefarious purposes, nowadays anything you can think of (and probably a few dozen things you could never think...

March 19, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

il Jon.

March 19, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Ummm....I'll assume this is some goofy marketing concept sold at tchotchka shops and Mall doodad emporia?

Seems like a perfect treat for that friend who loves puppy play.

March 17, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Siiigh....what a wonderful world it would be...if female domination really caught on.... :)

March 17, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Words we've all mumbled under our breath on Monday mornings?

Prepare for a stream of expletives from stars you know (and may even love).

March 17, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Think they have a clue?

....Speaking on the occasion Mohammad Syed, Business Development and Sales Manager (BDSM) stressed upon the people to open their accounts with J&K Bank...

J&K Bank adopts village in Pattan

March 11, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

These would make some pair of maracas, no?

Found on the same search, a penis that pines for you.

March 10, 2008 in Pleasures of the Garden, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Woe is me. I read my email today and discovered

I pay too much for swingers' sites.

Even worse,

I have the knowledge and the experience but I lack the qualifications.

On the other hand, I was just invited to

hit the showers with Gay Roughnecks!

Thank you, Karma. You make everything even out in the end.

March 6, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Are you or someone you love (or suckle) looking for a fun kiddie book for your role play?

This could be it!

February 28, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (2)

Going through today's first batch of email, I discovered that I have billions of dollars in unclaimed assets throughout the world! Nigeria, Nigeria, England, Nigeria, the former Soviet Union, Nigeria and several more governments are sitting on my assets and all I have to do is contact one of their God-fearing, humanity-loving, extremely prominent but completely unknown, indeed secret, diplomats, provide them with all my financial information, and I will be richer than Warren Buffett! Who knew I was related to so many people -- or that there were so many dead Brames in Nigeria. Brames have always been a wandering, procreating breed but why did all the wealthy ones end up in Nigeria? Oh who cares.

On the downside, however, word has apparently leaked out far and wide that my penis is sorely inadequate to the task of getting and pleasing my partners. My correspondents inform me that, as I am, I will never satisfy the babes, and can only find true happiness and pleasure if I order their pills.

Well. With all that money I'll be inheriting, I guess I'm going to have a dick the size of the United Nations.

Stand back, boys. We don't know how big this one is gonna get.

February 20, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (4)

via Digital Lifestyles

Internet Porn Addicts Targeted By US Presidential Hopefuls

The ever-irreverent News Biscuit has hit upon a story that could well be a traffic monster for them - combining Internet porn and the current presidential race.

Those tricky laugh generators have penned a piece which tells us that some of the presidential hopefuls have realised that, as there are soooo many Internet porn addicts, it’s worthwhile them sacrificing the female liberal vote - would would be outraged at such an idea - to get hold of the porn maniacs....

Naturally, my favorite part of the News Biscuit piece was this delightful morsel of photoshop artistry:

February 18, 2008 in Sexual Humor, Sexual Politics | Permalink | Comments (0)

I imagine deer watching this youtube vid and feeling sadly inadequate that they only have hooves.

February 17, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

via DivineCaroline:

Camel Toe Cup

Features:
Not tested on camels
Molded of durable Teflon
Camel Toe Annie approved
Each CTC is numbered and registered at our central office, in case you leave it after a night of whorin’ or it is found in a dumpster

Available in 3 gauges:
Call for sizing chart*
Mild
Medium
Cougar**

February 17, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

"Banana flavoured condoms" from
Adverbox Advertising blog

February 17, 2008 in Sexual Health, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

February 14, 2008 in Sex and Relationships, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Perusing the webosphere for something interesting to mark Valentine's day, I came across the happily defunct custom of the "Vinegar Valentine," also known as the "vulgar valentine" and the "penny dreadful" valentine. Actually, most sites call them "penny dreadfuls" but a handful of more erudite ones point out that penny dreadfuls were 19th century pulp novels that sold for a penny. The Vinegar Valentine is attributed to an enterprising Scotsman who produced the first lot of cheaply printed, clumsily drawn cards in 1858. They caught on in the U.S. and the UK and sold for over a hundred years (!). The originals cost a penny, which may explain the later confusion with penny dreadful novels. Or perhaps it's because these valentines were so fucking dreadful it's hard to believe people once found them humorous. The sentiments are so mean, and the rhymes so painful, it's like reading poetry by the love child of Don Rickles and Rod McKuen.

One odd feature of these cards is that they addressed both particular professions (grocers, carpenters, smiths) and particular character types (gossips, spinsters, fat people, etc.). I avoided some of the most egregiously yucky ones.

Apparently Vinegar Valentines ceased being published around 1970. I'd like to think the Love Generation killed them. For a good short history of this low art form, visit the UK's Norfolk Museums & Archaeology Service page on Comic Valentines. The first one (with text below it) comes from their collection. Go behind the cut for all the rest. Perfect for all you anti-valentine's day nonconformists. And a fittingly curmudgeonly valentine show for this blog.

To a Carpenter

You need not be so very vain
For, like your tools you're dull and plain
And never shall be mine
I am not so great a fool
As to submit, Sir, to your rule
Or be your Valentine

February 14, 2008 in Sex and Arts, Sex and History, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

February 14, 2008 in Sex and Relationships, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (3)

Thanks to my friend Todd at Durex for sending me this link!

February 11, 2008 in Sexual Health, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

If you're a word geek like me, and like to torment yourself with word games and vocabulary builders as I do, you might want to check out the oldie-but-goodie, FreeRice. Every time you get the correct definition of an obscure word, you "earn" 20 grains of rice for someone in need overseas, thanks to a UN Food program. If you're good at it, you can end up donating a bowl or two of rice pretty quickly. It's fun, it's free, it's charitable, it's family-friendly, and their vocabulary words are really kick-ass difficult.

I got today's SM word from a recent visit.

nociceptive = painful

Possible SM usages:

slaveboy: "Please, Mistress, please don't hit me with that cane again, please, my bum is flaming red, it's so nociceptive!"

or

Naughty Nurse: "You'd better not move around too much when I stick the enema hose up your bottom or it will be verrrrrry nociceptive, you poor helpless thing!"

or even

Master Dumb-ass: "Did you say no to me, slut?!"
quivering slave: "I didn't! I said nociceptive! I said your whip was.."
Master Dumb-ass: "You said no!" (flailing whip) "Say YESiceptive, YESiceptive !!"
quivering slave: "Aghhh."

February 7, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (1)

February 4, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

from Gizmodo:

Shocking: Forbidden Set Shows Darkest Side of LEGO

I thought I got all the coolest LEGO sets in history, but a reader pointed out what's probably the most shocking, darkest non-secret in its 50 years: a minifig wearing black tanga briefs. And when I say "briefs," I mean brief. All I can ask is why? Why Mr. Kirk? Why all this painful detail? And is that David Hasselhoff, per chance?

January 30, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (2)

"This is an actual Scrabble Gram that ran in the Washington Post last Friday. The set of first tiles seem to suggest a very dirty answer. I'm not sure how it got past their editor..."

Scrabble Gram suggests naughty answer - Boing Boing

January 28, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Funniest email of the week:

Dear Blog Editor,

Please accept my neologisms for your very hilarious SM Vocabulary Builder section. Since I have never submitted to you before, I feel I should demonstrate some of my qualifications.

I am the two-time D/scrabble champion for the East Coast, and a former Porno Password champion for the Mid-Atlantic region. And, I was fired from Reader's Digest for suggesting the magazine change its column "It Pays to Enrich Your Word Power" to "It's Slaves Who Enrich the Words 'Power Exchange.' "

My offerings:

Poontangy (POON-tang-ee) adj.: A vagina that tastes piquant, often said following cunnilingus. Mmm, hun ... I love it when you're poontangy.

Fuctose (fuk-TOHSS) n.: sweet juices from a woman's pussy. Jane's fuctose has tasted mildly poontangy since she added more citrus fruits to her diet.

Bonus:
Kneeallajism (nēˈäləˌjizəm) int. A portmanteau exclamatory command, usually by a dominatrix to a male submissive, to kneel and lap up ejaculate (jism). Kneel! All the jism! Now, slave!

Thanks, Quill! :)

January 26, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Clapperclaw = to verbally abuse

Link

Possible SM usage:

Malesub on phone to ProDom: "Urmmmm, I just want a little light rope bondage. But would you clapperclaw me while you tie the knots?"

Slavegirl sobbing: "No, Master, no I don't want you to stop, I love when you call me a filthy depraved cum-guzzling whore. I just didn't realize that was clapperclaw!"

Possible SM neologism:
Clapperclawophilia: intense sexual arousal from being the object of insults and profanity. Possible usage: "All I have to do is think of her clapperclawing me, and my dick gets so hard I could hunt with it."

January 22, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (1)

erumpent = projecting from or bursting through

link

Possible SM usages:

slave to blogosphere: "Oh. My. God. That butt plug my owner uses one me stretches me so much I feel erumpent!"

Prodom critiquing another prodom's outfit: "If that latex dress was any tighter, her breasts would erump right through it!"

January 22, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (1)

Found this one on eBay, where it was advertised as an old-fashioned hat-stand.

Y'know...hmm...funny,but it kinda reminds me of something totally different.....

January 21, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

from T-Shirt Hell

January 6, 2008 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (4)

Funny French Bread!

OMG! Did I just see the face of the Virgin Mary in the balls???

December 24, 2007 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Santa does Adonis Cabaret's Girls Night Out

(Thanks to T. for the holiday spirit!)

December 24, 2007 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

You were warned!

The origin of angel tree-toppers

One Christmas a long time ago Santa Claus had
problems. Four of his elves were sick so
Santa got behind schedule. Then Mrs Claus
told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit;
this stressed Santa even more. He went to see
his reindeer and found that three of them
were about to give birth. More stress. Then
when he began to load the sleigh he dropped
the toy bag and scattered the toys.

Santa went into the house for a shot of whisky
but the elves had drunk him dry.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed
on his way to the door. There was a little
angel with a big Christmas tree. "Merry Christmas
Santa”, said the angel, “Isn't it a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where
would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the angel on
top of the Christmas tree.

December 23, 2007 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Ah, those fabulous fabulous '50s. When stereotyping women was almost as much fun as degrading them. Found this montage (part comic, part cheesecake) somewhere and saved it for unknown reasons. It's kinda funny.

But it's kinda sad. The stereotype of the gold-digger, pertly sexy on the outside and coldly exploitative within.

What's even sadder - the stereotype persists. It's launched at virtually any woman who marries a man considerably wealthier than herself. But it isn't limited to women: people are contemptuous of men who marry women a lot wealthier than themselves. One example is the way the less successful husbands of famous actresses/celebs are routinely vilified in media as parasites. WTF? Is there a new social etiquette that if you marry someone with a lot more money you are automatically suspect of marrying them ONLY for their money? That even to consider marrying out of your economic class makes you a mercenary, a whore or a gigolo? Damn, American puritanism is pervasive!

OK, sure, some people DO marry for money rather than love. Sort of depressing to put a price on love. But not exactly a new trend either. It's as old as human history, in fact. Why do Americans get so hostile about it? Like it or not, women, the less-solvent sex, are raised to depend on male wealth. And in most cultures, the richer the husband, the more the woman is admired for making such a desirable match. Yet in America, where we are all obsessed with wealth, people act as if marrying primarily for financial security is vulgar and casts doubt on your moral character. Huh? Is it a question of sour grapes? Wouldn't we all like to be as financially secure as we can, if not for our own sakes, then for the sake of those who depend on us?

Just some random thoughts prompted by this disquieting piece of kitsch.

December 20, 2007 in Sex and Culture, Sex and History, Sex and Relationships, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sez Will: "Clearly they're excited about winning the war on Christmas."

(Thanks to NightHeron for sending the pic.)

December 18, 2007 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

It's time for one of my annual rituals: a dump-out of all the orphan image files I've collected over the past year. Some are things I thought would go into art shows; some are images I planned to blog but never did; most of them were found while I was researching completely different topics and now, months later, I can't remember where I found them or, in some instances, why I kept them.

But now you, yes, lucky you, will get to see all the "almost made-it" images I've been keeping on my hard-drive. If you have any images you've been keeping on file - odd things, hot things, SM things, weird or humorously sexual things - and like me, would enjoy getting them off your hard-drive to make room for a new year of mindless, compulsive collecting, feel free to email them to me and share them with the blogosphere. Just make sure they are in jpg or gif format, since TypePad won't accept other types of image files.

December 18, 2007 in Sex and Arts, Sex and History, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Hilarious little photojournal of 11 Toilets from Hell from the MishMash.

This must be in a hospital, a prison...or a delightfully depraved person's dungeon. I think you know which option I favor :)

December 8, 2007 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (3)

Some fresh spam in yesterday's email contained a lucky seven lines - inspiring me to turn them into couplets - and thus a sonnet. The first line of each couplet was the exact wording from the email.

Do not be ashamed of your penis size.
Your appetite is bigger than your eyes.

Are you wanting big dick in 2008?
Is it not big enough to masturbate?

Let's change your sexual life now!
Come to our farm and sleep with our cow!

We're happy to offer you most popular penis enlargement.
Please to ignore putrescent dischargement.

It's time to improve your cock size.
Or to stop telling women outrageous lies.

Don't miss such unique chance.
Make monster trout flop in your pants.

Girls will be happy with you
When your pork-sword runs them through.

Couldn't have done this without Will, who provided most of the come-backs.

December 5, 2007 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (2)

from the inimitable, Overheard in New York

Now Help Me Apply Direct Pressure before I Bleed Out

Wife, playing Uno: Skip, skip, skip, skip, wild card, draw four, blue, draw two, uno, I win.

Husband: Wow. I'm bleeding.

Wife: I hope it's from the ass, because that's where I just raped you.

Husband: God, I love you.

--Central Park

December 5, 2007 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Thanks to Alain for this!

December 5, 2007 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Spirit Air has already scrubbed this off their site since the rates only ran through December 3d. I saw it on Keith Olberman last night, and God bless the Google cache for - at least temporarily - saving the original campaign for Spirit's fall travel package: "Many Islands, Low Fares." Or as we on the Internet like to call it, MILF.

December 5, 2007 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

from
Overheard in New York

The Big Black Dong Was Missing Altogether

Chick #1: So I came home last weekend, and I saw that my dad had organized my vibrators.

Chick #2: By color or shape?

Chick #1: Color.

--Club Exit, Brooklyn

December 4, 2007 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Spam mails for fake penis-growing pills annoy me, yet I find them delightfully funny at times. The one I got yesterday was so brief and to the point, it was like a found poem. So I turned it into a haiku.

"Attract more ladies
with a huge trouser snake."
(Where are the pictures?)

December 4, 2007 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (2)

November 21, 2007 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Stole this one from my awesome niece Aine's personal blog, a photo she snapped of a convenience store she passed during a summer road trip through the midwest. She says there's a chain of 'em. I prefer thinking of it as a daisy chain.

Too bad it doesn't offer adult peep booths and really live up to its name.

November 21, 2007 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (1)

What more does one need for happiness?

November 19, 2007 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (0)

Thanks to Mike for sending this hilarious and allegedly unaired IKEA commercial. (Anyone know if it's real?)

November 15, 2007 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (1)

Ice-cream shaped like faeces is ready to be served.

OBVIOUSLY, Dairy Queen has a whole lotta 'splaining to do.

November 14, 2007 in Post-Modern Pop Culture, Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (1)

Hmmm.

Photoshop? Trick photography? Or a peroxide manifestation of my inner goddess in fuck-me shoes?

November 14, 2007 in Sexual Humor | Permalink | Comments (1)

By Mithras Invicti

There's a story going around the intertubes: A woman in Nottingham, England reportedly arranged for a performer in a gorilla costume to surprise her son at school for his 16th birthday, and she told the teacher there would be a surprise (without giving any details) and to take video.

Of course, the company made a mistake and sent a stripper to the classroom instead:

But it all went wrong when the unnamed company sent a stripper dressed as a policewoman instead of a "gorillagram" - in what it called a booking error.

One witness told reporters: "She asked the lad to stand up, which he did, and told him he had been a very naughty boy because he hadn't been doing his homework.

"Then she put on some Britney Spears music and got out a collar and lead from her bag and told him to put them on."

After walking the boy round the classroom and spanking him with a whip - the action turned even more blue.

"She took off some clothes until she was down to her bra and pants [British for panties - M], pulled out some cream, put it on her buttocks and told him to rub it in," the source said.

It was at that point the shocked teacher - who had not been told what the surprise was - called an end to the show.

While men all over the Western World will be divided into the I Wish I Had Been That Lucky and the At Least I Didn't Suffer That Trauma camps, I remain skeptical about the accuracy of this story. I suppose it's possible that the company could have sent a stripper instead of a gorilla, although I wonder how no one noticed they were sending her to a school.  But what was the performer herself thinking when she arrived at the school, or at the classroom? "This will make a nice change of pace from bachelor parties" perhaps. Or maybe "They all look so young and innocent, I hope they enjoy the show so the superintendent will give me a nice tip." And what about the teacher? She allowed the kid to be collared and leashed and spanked, but drew the line at nudity and rubbing buttocks? Maybe I am just showing my American bias, and seeing people spanked in public is commonplace in Britain. Still, I think this one belongs in the Funny, If True file.

-Mithras

November 9, 2007 in Mithras Invicti,